Day 2 of 4-day fast

154.6

3.2 lbs so far. Yesterday my sister told me that she's gained fifteen pounds and she now weighs 145. I tried to hide the ecstasy on my face: I've never ever weighed less than her and now I feel like its within my grasp.

I want to come up with a really strong plan for refeeding after the fast so that I don't just binge and gain it all back. Unfortunately the second day back will be Thanksgiving. I guess it's possible to be healthy on Thanksgiving, because there's SO MUCH to choose from! Like if I avoided dessert and stuck with salad and white meat. It wouldn't be the first time. Or I could even bring some sort of healthy dessert (like fresh fruit) so that I would have something to eat as well and not draw attention to myself. Brilliant.

Alright so to break my fast on Wednesday morning at 9am I will have half a cup of oatmeal cooked with 1/2 an apple, diced, and cinnamon. Approximately 200 calories. I'll need to think about lunch. Oh man thinking about food is so fun. Maybe I'll go read some cookbooks.

I'll write later tonight to let you guys know how it went today. :)

Day 1 of 4-day fast

Starting weight (ugh I don't even want to write it down): 157.8


I'm hoping to get down to <150 by the end of this.

The first day went swimmingly. I drank one glass of water, 1 cup of black coffee, and three cups of tea. I really need to aim for more water. There were only a few minutes of painful hunger that ended pretty quickly. Now my stomach is growling and it feels great!

I'm making a list of all the things I need to buy for my new apartment and it's a little scary. Things like dishes, garbage can, dresser, etc. But I'm sooooooo excited. I don't know if I'll be able to afford internet right away but this computer's too big to lug around. So posting on here might be a little tricky. I'm sure I'll figure something out though.

I didn't get to the gym today, maybe I'll go do some lunges.

4-day fast starts tomorrow!!!

Alright, so I know it's really late notice but I am doing this 4-day fast with Semira: starts tomorrow morning and goes until Wednesday morning. Anybody in? Rules are posted on her blog.

I'm pretty stoked, I've never had a buddy to fast with before. I think it will really help to keep me motivated and honest. :)

154.8

Two days in a row.

It's only 7 am but I figured I'd probably better write now, since I didn't yesterday and I have a pretty busy day ahead of me to look forward to: gym; then work; then (don't laugh) I'm totally going to the midnight showing of twilight tonight.

I didn't spend the night at my BF's last night because it was way too cold. I should have, though: being cold burns calories and anyway when I got home I ate the rest of my Thai food from dinner. When I'm with the BF I don't eat very much because he once accused me of having a "weird love-affair with food" (completely true) which makes me self-conscious. Probably sometime today I'm going to find out whether my application for rental was approved. (Yikes!) So I'm going to get my boxes and packing tape ready.

Oh, yesterday I ate a fiber-one bar and drunken noodles with tofu. I went to the gym but could not keep my speed up - I was getting cramps and side-aches the whole time! So I tried to work at a higher rate of incline but ultimately burned only 410 calories on the treadmill. I'll be careful not to eat or drink too much before the gym today. And I'll try to hydrate (I never drink water: a bad habit that needs to be broken now.) Then last night I woke up at 4 am and ate two more fiber-one bars. Yeah I really should have spent the night at my boyfriend's. I'm going to go ahead and take my appetite suppressant now.

Exercise Rash?

Good day. I still maintained my unhealthy work junkfood diet, but limited it to one pizza bagel and one old-fashioned donut. Oh, and one sample-sized bite each of eggnog bread and pumpkin bread. I got to the gym again and burned 430 calories on the treadmill today. Plus, I weighed in this morning at 155.6 - down 4.6 pounds since yesterday morning - so the day got off to a good start.

It's almost midnight (way past my bedtime!) and I'm having some trouble thinking. Plus I took my contacts out but then couldn't see to find my glasses, and I'm leaning in super-close to the screen and squinting right now.

Oh, so at the gym tonight I actually gave myself a rash on my inner-thighs from running with fat legs and being out-of-shape and sweaty (gross!). ...Oh that my thighs wouldn't always be touching... When I ran cross-country in high school I would put antiperspirant on my legs. I was even thinking about doing that tonight, but I felt weird sticking deoderant up my shorts in front of a bunch of girls in the locker room.

Thank you soo much to Semira for the support on my last couple of posts. :) It's definitely been a weird week.
I saw my sponsor tonight at a meeting and made no progress whatsoever in convincing her that my moving out is for the best. Basically, we've both made up our minds in opposite directions, and we're both just going along with it. Although I suppose she mistakenly believes that she has me convinced, which is just not true.

Oh I might not post tomorrow because I'm hanging out with the BF (for the first time in TWO WEEKS!) and I'll probably end up spending the night there. Which means I must get to the gym earlier in the day.

frustration

the kind where you feel completely helpless and small. Like you're in some kind of small enclosed space (Beatrix Kiddo in vol. 2, anyone?) and you're not even bothering to try and escape because you know it's impossible, so you just resign yourself to it and curl up into the smallest ball possible, hoping that maybe, if you can just make yourself small enough, you can disappear and never have to deal with it.

I turned in my rental application today. My parents have to cosign because I don't meet the income requirements, which irritates me because I want this apartment to be 100% mine. But that's not why I feel this way.

I'm a "recovering alcoholic" and I'm in AA. I'm not sure if you guys are familiar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but basically I have a "sponsor," which is someone that's been through the twelve steps already and is supposed to be like a mentor to help you in recovery. Anyway, my sponsor is great - she's super strict which really helps me stay focused (plus I'm a structure-whore), but she's kind of on a power trip. When I told her about my apartment (I already think of it as "mine"), she put her foot down and basically said Don't Do It. I feel like I have to listen to her, because that's one of the major rules in AA - shut up and follow directions. But that apartment is mine. And I absolutely refuse to stay in this house.

I've already made up my mind, but I'm not going to feel good about this unless everyone is on my side.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a people-pleaser. Nothing scares me more than having people disapprove of the choices I'm making. I almost cried when she was telling me her reasons why I should stay with my parents for at least a year, and then maybe think about moving into an apartment with some sober friends. F* that. And the stinging tears made it worse because then I was embarassed as well as frustrated.

I woke up this morning and weighed in at 160.2 (yikes!). All I ate today was fattening icky pastries from work. 1/2 slice of coffee cake, 1 cheese bagel, 1 slice of eggnog bread, and 1/2 a molasses cookie. I have to remember to snag the nutrition info from work so I can calculate the damage done. I also had two energy drinks, (sugarfree rockstars) and I'm about to crack open a third. But luckily after talking to my sponsor I was so keyed up that I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a week. I burned 420 calories in an hour on the treadmill.

Freedom on the Horizon

Make it $800 out of my own pocket for septic and cleaning (UGH the grossest job in the world, I'm so glad it's not mine), and I've found my new apartment.

But let's get through this in chronological order.
The septic guy came in the morning, spent an hour or so emptying the tank, and then came ringing at the doorbell. He proceeded to charge me $360 for the pumping, letting me know that the draining would still be messed up because the main line from the house to the tank was clogged with a bunch of powdery white stuff. For a minute I panicked: could it be the sugar cookies and cinnamon rolls I recently binged/purged? But that's impossible...right? He said he wouldn't be able to fix that, but he could send someone over later in the day who could. I said fuck it, why not, and dropped 800 dollars. Then the guy actually had the nerve to ask me out. I had a lot of fun turning the fat fucker down.

Then the BF slept through our date and I almost wished I'd said 'yes' to Joe-six-pack. Almost.

Then at four I made an appointment to go look at an apartment in a hidden corner of the sprawling strip-mall and auto dealer town I live in, and I fell head-over-heels in love with it. I'm moving in on the first of December, if I can talk my parents into co-signing. It's not too expensive for me (only $650 per month, which is actually quite low for this area), but they have an income requirement of atleast three times that! I make about 2.4 times. So co-signers are required. :(

Still. My own place. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm stoked.

((Period)).

ICKY, BLOATED FAT FEELING.

I have sit at home all morning to wait for the septic guy to show up. 400 dollars out of my own pocket, and I wasn't even living here for the last couple of years. Grrrrr.

My AA sponsor talked me out of moving from my parents house for the time being. But I'm already re-thinking the decision to stay. I'm sure you can relate: NOTHING IN THE WORLD sounds more satisfying than having an entire apartment to myself: bedroom, bathroom, and especially kitchen. Plus I thinking having home responsibilities might actually be good for my recovery. I'd have to go out to buy toilet paper, I wouldn't have cable, my living area would reflect on me and me alone so I'd actually be motivated to keep it looking nice. The BF would probably come over more often, too, and I have no desire whatsoever for him to find out what a worthless slob I am.

I'm going to look at more apartments right now.

Crazy?

This morning (as usual) I did not want to get out of bed. At 9 am I dragged myself out from under the covers to find that the house was empty (which really shouldn't have surprised me: my parents are out of town and my sister always works weekday mornings). So I drove to QFC and bought a family-sized bag of cheeto puffs and a carton of sugar cookies, 1 liter of coke zero and two sugarfree energy drinks. I came home, crawled back under the covers and alternated scarfing down cookies with taking swigs from my coke zero. When the coke was gone and I'd eaten 7 cookies and 3/4 bag of cheetos, I calmly walked to the bathroom and performed the cleansing ritual of purging. It was really friggin unsatisfying though. Like all the food was stuck to my ribs and only liquid was coming out. I "rinsed" - drank a couple more glasses of water and then purged again - and then took a very hot bath.

After my bath I got ready for work and couldn't find my work shirt. Dress code is khakis and a collared black or white shirt. I tore the entire house apart, looking for anything that I could wear and found nothing. I was soooo frustrated. I screamed out loud several times, and punched myself as hard as I could in the stomach. By this time I was running late. So I settled for a smelly stained black t-shirt from the bottom of the laundry bin in the bathroom. My boss was surprisingly nice about it. At work I ate a bran muffin and a (shudder) pizza bagel.

After work I went to 1/2 an AA meeting, and then to Fred Meyer where I bought the first ridiculously over-priced collared shirt I found (white). And an energy drink. Then I stopped at Walgreens to get cigarettes and bought another energy drink and some diet pills (dexatrim max).

I have a little over six hours before I have to get up for the opening shift at work. I am debating whether or not to sleep. I think I border on some kind of "sleep anorexia." Is this a real disease? I am obsessed with seeing how little sleep I can get. I'll go for days on 2 or 3 hours a night and then have extended "sleep binges." It's essentially the same as my eating disorder, except unfortunately I haven't yet found a way to purge sleep. I love it when I get bouts of natural insomnia - there's nothing more artistically romantic than not being able to sleep. I feel like it cries out "SOMETHING'S WRONG!" more effectively than just about anything else.

No rest for the wicked.

Wow It's been a Long Time

I can't believe how little has changed in the virtual years since I last wrote. I was happy to find that I had a small smattering of followers upon returning to this blog, though whether or not I deserve them is another question entirely.



Since I last wrote I had a one-day alcoholic relapse and I've gained about fifteeen L.B.s

So I'm at 155.0 now. But I'm feeling optimistic: I've been saving up a ton of money (for hopefully moving out and having a fridge to myself to stuff with water and lettuce), I started a gym membership which was super expensive and so I've been using it as much as possible, and I'm taking my wellbutrin again, so I'm not super depressed anymore.

I've decided to go back to my roots, as in, my original rules like weighing in at the end of the day and absolutely no fake sweeteners.

Oh man I am currently stoned and getting super paranoid about munchies. Huh. There's a 270-calorie container of special k with red berries on my desk. Should I? Should I just give up and go to watch kill bill with my arms cradled full of food?

Day 1 of 34-day Liquid Fast

Weight: 145.6 (a new low since I started writing: yay!!)

Intake: 8 oz vanilla soy milk, 2 bottles of low-cal vitamin water, 2 apple ciders
Calories: 310

Just so you'd know I don't calculate how much water, coffee, tea or other no-cal beverages I consume. And I DO NOT drink anything containing aspartame (when I'm being good). It might be just a mind trick but I swear that stuff makes me eat.

The apple cider was a mistake; I was just going to have one but it was so dang delicious. So now I'm on an obscene sugar rush and kicking myself a little bit.

Something weird is going on with my teeth today. I swear I brushed them this morning (I'm pretty anal about it and I remember doing it), but they felt disgusting all day. I couldn't wait to get home and brush them, which I did immediately upon returning. But they still felt gross. So I brushed them again, and still, yuck. So I tried again with different toothpaste, but nothing doing. I'm going to go try using a different brush. This is really irritating and gross.

Mildly better, but still weird.

I'm thinking that eating days on this diet might be harder than the no-eating days. It's relatively simple as long as you don't get started (for me at least), but stopping once you start is quite difficult! I'm nervous for tomorrow - I'm having vegan dinner at a friend's house. I think I'll buy gum for before and after. One piece while we're cooking so that I don't snack. Then when dinner's served I'll give myself a 240-calorie portion and insert a stick of gum immediately afterward. I have faith in myself, though. Plus, how embarrassing would it be to have to admit publicly (on here) that I failed my fast on the second day?? Yeah.

Oh, by the way, I hate my boyfriend. We were supposed to hang out tonight after I got done with IOP at 8. He didn't pick up his phone until 8:45. I still had to go for my run, and he was going to have a sandwich, so he said he'd call me when he was done. He did not call me until almost 10:30. I know it doesn't take that long to make and eat a sandwich. Maybe he was hoping I would say it was too late. If so, he got his wish.

Alright, rant is complete.

Oh man the melatonin is kicking in. Can't wait for the scales tomorrow (God it's been too long since I felt this way) - wish me luck!!!

146.6

Breakfast: 2/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romaine lettuce leaves with 2 tbs amy's goddess dressing
Lunch: 1/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romain lettuce leaves w/ 2tbs amy's dressing
Snack: 1 grapefruit
Dinner: 1 microwaved boca patty with garlic salt, 10 oz carton of grape tomatoes
Calories = 800

Finished up 2-4-6-8 with hardly any problems. Tomorrow will be day number one of my 34-day liquid fast! I'm psyched. I am feeling really confident about it. It's weird; I just know I can do it. It sucks that I'm on my stupid period, because that means I'll probably get it one more time before the fast is over. It just makes everything a little bit harder. But I'll survive. :)

Today was weird food-wise. I had a lot of trouble consuming 800 calories; it seemed like SO MUCH FOOD. But then I totally almost gave into temptation and started what I'm sure would have been an ugly binge. I went to a friend's house for game night at 8:00, and there were chips and salsa. I don't even particularly like chips and salsa. I did great at resisting them until about five minutes before I had to go home. I was staring at the half-eaten bag of hint-of-lime tortilla chips and dangerous thoughts started crossing my mind. I thought, "maybe I could eat that one little piece. It's like a third of a chip - insignificant in terms of calories." My fat self was saying that I was going to leave soon so having just one would be easy. I actually reached my hand into the bag... ...and then paused. My skinny self knew what was going to happen if I gave in to the moment of weakness and reminded me of how hard I've been working. I pulled my hand out of the bag and didn't eat any chips! It was miraculous. I am very proud of myself. However, in the future it would be better if those thoughts didn't enter my mind at all - that way I wouldn't have to control the impulse to eat.

Midterm tomorrow in labor market analysis. Ugh. I didn't study at all today, so I guess I'll have to get up early tomorrow.

I'm going to be spending a lot of time on here during the next thirty-four days. Must stay focused and motivated.

Daily weigh-ins are going to be a blast. (!)

147.8

Breakfast: 9 grapes, 1 bottle of sugar-free (stevia-sweetened) vitamin water
Lunch: 1/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romaine lettuce leaves with 2 tbs. amy's goddess dressing
Snack: 1 apple, 3 strawberries
Dinner: same as lunch
Calories: 600

It feels great to see the numbers on the scale going down again. The loss seems unnaturally fast to me - but I've pooped like three times in the last couple of days. I think all that purging from the last few weeks made me super-constipated (sorry! I know it's gross but I had to get it off my chest).

I got two tests back today. 98 on one and 100 on the other.
You know what's weird? After I got the 98 I was really disappointed because the high score in the class was 99, which means someone did better than me. I'm so insanely competitive that I couldn't even appreciate my good grade because second place is worthless to me. But on some level I realize how silly that is and so I guess I'm still pretty proud of myself. :)

Tomorrow will be the last day of 2-4-6-8. I'm going to jump right into a 34-day liquid fast afterward. I read about the fast on another blog and I used to always think, "I would never be able to do that. Maybe someday I'll have the willpower." Now I know I can make it. One day at a time (as they say in AA). I'm excited. The longest I've ever fasted was three days. The title of the 34-day liquid fast is deceiving; I am not going to fast for 34 days straight. The way I understood it (and thus the way I'm going to do it) is: one day of fasting, then one day of eating. Then two days of fasting, then one day of eating. Then three days of fasting, etc. all the way through to a full seven-day fast. I wanted to do a pure juice fast, but I'm still in school and do not feel like giving up coffee at the moment. So I'm expanding mine to include any and all liquids (except, of course, my nemesis alcohol, and anything non-vegan). I will tally my calorie intake on fasting days, but not restrict. On eating days, I must consume a total of 250 calories (no more, no less) and none of them can be liquid.

Hooray!!!

I can't wait for the feeling of cleansing emptiness; I almost want to start tomorrow. But I need to finish my current diet before starting the next one. I'm so excited to have followers. It made my day today.

150.2

Breakfast: 1 tomato with salt, 1 organic celery heart, microwaved boca patty with garlic salt
Lunch: same as breakfast
Dinner: 2 cups red seedless grapes

Calorie intake = 400

I saw the wolverine movie tonight with the BF and snuck in the grapes. I wish I would have brought tomatoes instead; those grapes are really high in sugar! The movie, by the way, was not very good, but Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man in the world and you totally get to see his butt.

Day 2 of 2-4-6-8 went well. I'm a little nervous about the grapes because I'm horrible at measuring and what if I had more than two cups? Ugh. I won't stress about it. Just be more careful tomorrow.

I have a tendency to get into food ruts. But I guess I shouldn't call them ruts because I really kind of enjoy it. Like the boca patty with celery and tomato thing. Three meals in a row that was what I ate. But now we're out of tomatoes and celery, so I guess I'll have to switch it up tomorrow. I'm thinking broiled tofu.

I did eight-minute abs yesterday and today and I am really sore. That just shows how completely out of shape I am. Same with running. Just a few weeks ago I was running three miles a day and now just running one mile seems difficult. I am ridiculously out of shape and it seems like it happened really fast. But honestly I haven't done real sit-ups in probably like a year.

I remember the moment I started thinking about my weight. I was in eight grade, thirteen years old. It was around Christmas and we drove down to the Olympia to visit my cousin's family. We probably see them like three or four times a year. My uncle was like, "you've gotten big!" Assuming he meant height-wise I grinned and said, "oh yeah I'm really tall now." And he was like, "no, you've gotten... BIG." And ever since then I've been completely obsessed with my weight. Seriously it was like overnight. Something I had never even considered before was suddenly the center of my world.

152.8

Lunch: 1/2 red delicious apple
Dinner: 1 boca patty, 1 large tomato and 5 tiny stalks of celery (they were organic) :)
Calories: 200

Oh my god I can't friggin believe it's been such a long time since I was on here. Time goes by so fast and weight stays depressingly stagnant. But that's because I've been avoiding all sacrifice, and have been on a binge-purge nightmare cycle since the last time I wrote. I'm going to say I probably vomited on average 6 times every four days. And I didn't exercise once. My motto for the last three weeks has been "I'll start tomorrow." Well, finally, today was tomorrow and I am back in the game.

No more half-assed bullshit. I do not want to be bulimic. I want to be thin, in control, happy, productive. And bulimia practically is the definition of waste. I hate waste. HATE IT. I am such a hypocrite for prancing around trying to convince people to conserve and reuse and recycle, then off to the bathroom to puke up the entire pizza I just ate.

So today is Day One. I'm jumping right back in with 2-4-6-8. And forcing myself to exercise everyday until it becomes habitual and I actually like it. I'm not going overboard this time. I'll start simple: run at least one mile each day, 30 push-ups and eight-minute abs. That's it. Easy. I can do the whole thing in a little over 20 minutes if I want so there are no excuses for not doing it.

Why I Need to be Thin
1. So I won't feel so shitty about the way I look all the time;
2. So that I can actually pull off the weird hippie clothes that constitute my wardrobe;
3. So people will stop thinking that my sister is "the pretty one;"
4. So I won't be too shy to let my boyfriend see me naked;
5. So people will think I'm a runner when I exercise, instead of a fat girl trying to lose weight;
6. So that I'm not ashamed to let guys pick me up;
7. So that I'm not ashamed to tell people how much I weigh;
8. So people won't look skeptical when I tell them I'm a vegan;
9. So that my boyfriend's continual remarks on how attractive other girls are won't bother me;
10. So I won't stand out as American when I go to Eastern Europe.

To elaborate on a couple of those: my sister really is the pretty one. She has never had to worry about her weight. She drinks regular soda. I haven't drank any of my calories (except alcohol, lots of alcohol) since I was twelve. She's a fast food junkie. Her stomach is completely flat. Guys love her. She even has really short hair and guys love her. Yesterday my family went to a funeral. She and I left early. This morning, my dad told her she got a compliment after we left: "The lady who shared the table with us said 'your younger daughter should be a model!'" It was a slap in the face to me but also a serious wake-up call, and probably the reason why I am so fully back on the weight-loss wagon. The vegan thing: I've actually had people say, "you're vegan?? But you look so healthy!" EVERYONE knows that healthy, when applied to people who were never obviously unhealthy, means fat. Fat fat fat fat FAT! And finally Eastern Europe. I've applied to the Peace Corps, and will almost certainly be sent to Eastern Europe because I speak Russian. The girls there are ridiculously skinny (and beautiful!). It's like being in a live collection of thinspiration. It's actually a pandemic phenomenon - the girls are so skinny that they can't have babies. Women there are obsessed with their weight, but unlike American women, their diets actually work. I do not want to stand out as the ugly American. I want to blend in.

Well enough for today, I think. But I am 100 percent back.

149.4

I'm back to exactly where I was one week ago. What a setback! But I suppose it could be worse. Much, much worse.

Tomorrow's going to be tricky because I'm supposed to go out for dinner with my boyfriend and his sister. Then we're going to a concert (the thermals, yay!). I MUST NOT spend the night at the BF's house. He has this irritating habit of taking me for granted, which makes me feel awful, and is also infuriating. For example, the concert is tomorrow, right? So I would expect him to call me today to finalize plans etc. AND I left him a message two days ago asking if he wanted to do something beforehand and he did not call me back. Ever. And I know that what'll end up happening is I'll call him like a half-hour before we're supposed to be at wherever we're going and he'll be like, "why didn't you call me earlier?" What a stupid-head. And I'm not refusing to spend the night over there to punish him. I have a list of pretty good reasons:

1. I always stay up too late and then it throws off my sleep schedule;
2. I am allergic to down and his bedding makes me wake up feeling like I got hit by a train;
3. His room smells funny and doesn't have any natural sources of light;
4. There are tons of empty beer and liquor bottles at his house, both inside and outside his room, and as a recovering addict I find that stuff to be triggering;
5. If he wanted to spend time with me, he should have asked me earlier.

Wow. Those are actually really good reasons. Wow. Ha I am re-reading the hitchhiker's guide. Although I've made a vow to put it aside until I get caught up on all of my schoolwork.

Alright, today's intake:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup uncooked oatmeal with 1/2 cup vanilla soy milk + 2 chopped pieces of dried, sweetened mango
Lunch: one red delicious apple, one slice of sourdough bread
Dinner: avocado and tomato salad (one avocado, 10 grape tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper)

No more than 900 calories. I hope. I'm pretty sure.

Oh no writing that stuff about my boyfriend made me get really worked up. I'm totally fuming. This isn't good; I don't want him to think that his behavior bothers me - I only want him to think that it's ineffective for getting what he wants (which, presumably, is time with me). And I want to have fun at the concert tomorrow. To do: work on this.

150.6 (Thank God)

I was so scared that all of those many pounds would take days to go away again, but I'm happy to see that a lot of it was probably just water weight. I drank a whole bunch of energy drinks. I still have two lbs to go, though, just to get back to where I was. Ugh I hate setbacks.

Today was an ultra-good day. I even thought about my protein intake, which honestly I hardly ever do. I mean, I'm conscious of it but I don't go out of my way to make sure I include protein in my meals, which, as a vegan, is something I should probably be doing.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup uncooked oatmeal + 1/2 cup vanilla soy milk + 1/2 cup diced papaya + 1/4 cup dried cherries
Lunch: balance bar (some sort of chocolate flavor)
Dinner: two 1/2" slices of sourdough bread

I forgot to look at the balance bar but I counted 980 calories at most (allowing 320 for the balance bar which is probably/hopefully high)

I ran three miles this morning, and I am definitely going to do it again tomorrow morning. It felt great and there was this adorable older man at the park going the opposite direction as me. I ran around 5 times so I probably said hi to him like 15 times. I didn't even have to run by the high school, although I think I might try it tomorrow; running in circles is kind of monotonous.

Good Night!!!

154.4

If this were an on-stage monologue I would be screaming "FUUUUCCKK!"

A girl I used to babysit overdosed on sunday night and I've been laying in bed crying and eating ever since. Occasionally I would look down at the remains of whatever disgusting fattening food I had just consumed and then run to the bathroom to throw up, but clearly those moments of sanity were few and far between. I slowly started to get back on track today. I actually went to school, although I skipped one of my classes. I didn't eat any non-vegan food and I didn't eat after 5 pm. I absolutely MUST go running tomorrow morning. I'm kind of nervous because I run right by the high school and it will probably be right around the time school starts, but what the heck am I nervous about? They're in high school! I'm supposed to be a grown-up now. Ha.

I am overcaffeinated and feeling disappointed in myself. I think I might be bipolar. But I am also a hypochondriac so that might be most of the problem. It's just that my antidepressants aren't working the way they should be. I don't feel blah depressed, like I did when I first went on them, but now my highs are really high and my lows are really low. I kind of like it, because I fully appreciate the full range of human emotion, but it's not cool when I miss three days of school because I'm laying in bed crying. I'd like to be able to feel that sad and still be capable of getting out of bed and doing what needs to be done. There is just no happy medium.

149.4

Foodwise, today was a pretty weird day. Luckily it wasn't raining out this morning (although it was ridiculously cold) so I got to go running. The elliptical trainer at my house broke yesterday and I don't have a gym membership so for now, running is my only option.

I ran some errands this morning (no class on Fridays, yay!) and made a very simple cabbage soup when I got home (onion, garlic, cabbage, and lots of salt and pepper). Then I ran some more errands and got home around 4:00, at which point I was pretty famished. I ate an avocado salad, (one avocado plus 10 cherry tomatoes plus balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper), and one piece of bread (par-baked which I heated slightly). Although I was no longer hungry I recognized an insatiable thirst for EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I thought maybe if I just had another piece of bread it would go away. So put one in the oven and then changed my mind, turned off the oven and went upstairs. But the feeling would not go away. I realized that if I didn't eat something now, I would break my no-eating-after-5:00 rule, which would lead to a binge. I always binge if I break my eating rules. So I went to the kitchen and looked around. Stuck the bread back in the oven and pulled out some lemon sandwich cookies. "I'll have two of these and my bread, finish before 5:00 and be done for the night." But as I took the two cookies to my seat at the table, I sadly thought of what this late-in-the-day carb-eating would do so my nightly weigh-in. Then, right after my first bite, my dad walked in and told me he was going to get the car serviced. I would have the whole house to myself! I immediately decided to purge the disgusting meal I was about to consume. And since I was going to throw it all up anyway, I figured I could add six more cookies to my meal.

Purging went well, I think. In Wasted, Marya Hornbacher said something about eating colorful foods first as a marker for when you're finished. I don't know if it was because of the water I drank or what, but my meal came up in the exact SAME order it went down. Avocados, then bread, then cookies. Vomit that smells like avocado is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered. Afterward, my heart was beating really fast but I felt calm: not happy, but not freaking out. I experienced a slight twinge of nervousness: what if it's all still in there and I really just puked up thick colored water??? But I'm feeling good now and my stomach is growling reassuringly.

Today's intake:

Breakfast: 1 (full calorie) vitamin water
Lunch: 2 large bowls of cabbage soup (stole it from another girl's blog: 1/4 tsp olive oil, onion, garlic, cabbage, celery, soy sauce and salt/pepper. I added chili powder)
Dinner (purged): avocado salad (1 avocado, 10 cherry tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper), 2/3 loaf of par-baked bread (baguette), 8 lemon sandwich cookies
"Snack": 1 low-cal vitamin water

So I guess I consumed somewhere in between 400 and 1820 calories. I am pretty sure it's somewhere on the low side. Maybe 600 total? 800?

148.8

First time below 150 since I started dieting almost a month ago (one month on Sunday). So I am on a pink cloud. :) It's kind of ridiculous, though. I feel great when I think about the difference from my start weight (minus nine pounds, exactly), but when I just look at the number I feel wretched. It's SOOO much! Oh well. Not for long. That's what I just have to keep telling myself. I had wanted to get down to 145 by tomorrow night but I totally binged on mac and cheese last sunday. I am positive that that is the root of my failure. But I'm in a good routine now. I'm kind of freaking out since it's Friday tomorrow and The Routine that I've established this week may be in jeopardy. But I know I'll prevail. The BF knows about my obsession with routine, so he probably won't be surprised if I just go, "sorry can't spend the night, I've got this new routine that I don't want to break, have to go to sleep by midnight!" I'm also a little nervous because he smokes a lot, and I'm down to one a day (in theory). And for some reason, whenever I see him I REALLY want an energy drink. I'll just have to live with vitamin water. As long as I'm sipping something I have nothing to complain about.

Today's intake:
Breakfast (at noon): 2 boca patties, fried in pam with garlic salt, LARGE salad (remaining half of the prepared bag from yesterday, plus onion and celery, and a handful of bean sprouts) with 1/4 cup of italian dressing
Lunch: 1/3 bottle of vitamin water (full calorie), large banana
Dinner: one large fuji apple, two sticks of orbit gum

No more than 860 calories. Almost certainly less: I didn't finish my banana and ate only half of my apple.

Sipping water between each bite of food is so effective. A lot of times when I eat, after the first few bites I am suddenly ravenous. But with the water I get full so fast. And at first I thought it was cumbersome and too much of a hassle to keep up for long, but now I do it automatically without even really thinking about it! I am in such a good mood.

Once again I don't have that much news. I had to leave class early today because I was coughing so much. It was incredibly embarassing. So I didn't even bother going to my next class; so much for my perfect attendance this quarter. I am feeling frustrated at the moment with this stupid flu for not letting me live life on my terms.

I did do 40 minutes on the elliptical this morning, though. I've decided to make my BF a pie for his upcoming birthday. I'm wondering, though, if it's a little too much. I'm already getting him a couple of other (pretty expensive!) things. Although we've been together for almost two years, I am a natural game player and am constantly thinking on competitive terms. I don't want him to think that I love him more than he loves me!! I know, it's ridiculous. But obviously, something's working. I'm still very happy with our relationship (most of the time).

Okay, intake for the day:

Breakfast: 1/4 loaf of italian bread (ugh I was only going to have one slice and then it turned into two)
Lunch: 2 boca patties, fried in pam and seasoned with garlic salt, very large salad (half a bag of one of those pre-made, American style) plus one stalk of celery plus thinly sliced onion with 1/4 cup of tahini dressing
Dinner: one large fuji apple

I calculated no more than 1000 calories.

Even though I didn't do anything today I am really looking forward to sleep. I've been taking melatonin lately an hour before bedtime, which makes me fall asleep instantly when I lay down. That's a really nice change for me: under normal circumstances it takes me about thirty minutes to fall asleep after I go to bed. And it makes me have these crazy dreams so that every night is an adventure. But I can never seem to remember them for more than a few minutes after I wake up, even when I remind myself. Maybe I should start writing them down, but the last thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning is pick up a pencil.

I still haven't researched how apple cider vinegar works. But I actually really like the taste so I think I might continue to drink it even if I never find out.

Haven't had coffee in three days. Not really by choice; I've just been too lazy to brew it in the mornings, so I've been drinking tons of earl grey tea instead. I guess it's a pleasant change. I might make coffee tomorrow morning, though. Lots to do!!

I feel like I'm running out of things to talk about on here.

I started taking apple cider vinegar because I've read about it in a few other girls' blogs; supposedly it boosts metabolism and helps with appetite and stuff. The only thing is, I couldn't tell from my reading just how much you're supposed to consume. I guess I'll look it up online after this. I took a couple of spoonfuls but found it to be a lot more tasty than it sounded. I think I'm going to start recording what I eat on here, just to keep myself honest. I already record it in a journal, but knowing that I'm the only one who's going to see it makes it a lot less painful to look at. So today:

Breakfast: avocado and tomato salad (one small avocado, 10 cherry tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper), nectarine, lo-cal vitamin water
Lunch: heel chunk of italian bread, small granny smith apple
Dinner: 16oz strawberry banana smoothie with almonds and soy milk, stick of orbit gum

less than 1065 calories total. I always estimate pretty high, just in case!
I also ran three miles this morning. I was so proud of myself because I was this close to not doing it. I always lie to myself and say I'll do my running after I get home from school/work/outpatient etc., but then of course I'm way too tired by that time to do anything active at all. So today I just put on my running shoes and bolted before I had time to think my way out of it. And I was so glad I did.

Back when I had tons of free time I would plan my daily meals in advance. Although it seemed like a brilliant idea, I found that if anything failed to go according to my plan (my parents made something other than what I had expected for dinner, or the sandwich I intended on getting was out of stock) that I would give up on the whole plan and just eat whatever junk food I felt like. I just have to remember to constantly be cautious of what I'm putting into my body, remembering how much I'm going to regret it later. One of the ladies at the food bank I volunteer at said to me, "once on the lips, forever on the hips." I couldn't believe I hadn't heard it before. But something good to remember.

First day of school!! I can't believe it's my last quarter. I was telling everyone I saw, even people I didn't know. Like I'd turn to someone sitting next to me and say, "are you excited for this class? It's my last quarter!" I have never gotten straight 4.0s in a single quarter at the university, and so I'm feeling a lot of self-imposed pressure because it's my last chance. I suppose I shouldn't stress too much about it, but now that I don't have a job it seems like I have no excuse not to.

Since I've been sleeping in I feel really pressed for time too. When I was in highschool I woke up at 4:00 am every single day. Now it's nearly impossible for me to wake up earlier than 8:00.

My flu is awful today. I started coughing, which is the worst. For starters, it's painful. And people give you dirty looks like you're doing it on purpose just to infect them so that you won't be alone in your illness. And it's loud; I hate drawing attention to myself, especially in the middle of a crowded auditorium.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have vegan dinner with my best friend. Since I'm not eating after 5:00 pm, I already thought of the perfect excuse to avoid food. This is one of those once in a lifetime excuses that I feel completely brilliant for having come up with:
"Oh I forgot when we planned this that I getting my blood drawn tomorrow morning and I'm not supposed to eat for 24 hours in advance! I know, it sucks. Could I take some home with me in a tupperware so I can eat it first thing when I'm done with my doctor's appointment tomorrow?"

Yep. Perfect. I wonder what we're making. I hope it's nothing too tempting. I have class from 1:30 to 5:30 so I had probably better pack a snack so that I don't succumb to temptation at "J's". Maybe I should buy some chewing gum, too. I've found that gum works great from keeping me from taking that first bite that so often proves fatal. It gets me every time. I'll agree (after much coercion) to "just try a bite" of something someone made from scratch and then I'll find myself going all out. All-or-nothing is an integral part of my personality. One that I'm working on, since I had to learn the hard way about "everything in moderation."

I felt myself sliding into a binge earlier this evening but then I wondered how much water I had had to drink today. I made an agreement with myself to finish two glasses, and then if I still felt like bingeing, I could. By the time I was done, the urge had passed! We're learning about cravings in outpatient and the most important thing I've gotten out of it is that all urges pass, and most of them last absolutely no longer than fifteen minutes. That is extremely comforting. Remind yourself of it when you're fighting temptations.

I'm up to three miles each morning. I have not lost a single pound since last time I wrote, but I haven't gained either. I went on a speed binge last week and averaged 3 hours of sleep per night. Luckily it's over. At the time I justified it as burning calories and suppressing my appetite. Although that's true, my goal is not simply weight loss but perfection, and being that tired and strung out did not feel perfect at all.

On Friday I came home to an empty house. I baked instant brownies and made macaroni and cheese. While eating them I remembered my plan to attempt purging with my new knowledge, and so I drank plenty of water while shoveling food into my mouth. The brownies were so hot they burned my throat on the way down. I didn't cut them into bars but rather spooned the hot gooey rich and really quite disgusting mess in heaping gulps. Afterward I braced myself and went to the bathroom. I put my hair up in a ponytail and shoved my fingers to the back of my throat. I kept my fingers pushed all the way back through a couple of gags, and then to my surprise a brown watery mess like diarrhea came out. Without wasting a single second I repeated the action. I did this about eight or nine times until I was satisfied that everything from this meal was up. It was incredibly satisfying. But it was difficult and not something I can envision myself doing regularly. I've decided to reward myself with another binge/purge session of brownies IF I can make my goal weight of 145 by Friday night.

The only major drawback was very red and watery eyes. I also got those tiny popped vessels around my eyes that I used to get from throwing up when I was hung over. I was nervous that someone would think I had been drinking again!

I finished reading Wasted. Allow me to now engage in some hypocritical ranting. Although Mayra Hornbacher analyzes the events of her life and aspects of her own personality that led her down the path of disordered eating, I recognized a pattern in her thinking that I sometimes recognize in myself and others that I really hate. There's this compulsive need to be really screwed up, and doomed to a life of melodramatic self-destruction. But it seems to me like all of the psychotic behavior and self-destruction comes not from anything in the environment or personality of the victim, but from his or her own stubborn glorification of their own insanity. Her life was really not that bad. Her family was really not that messed up. Objectively speaking, she had a good childhood. So did I. So did most of us, probably. We are not victims. We are the perpetrators of the crimes being committed against us. I profusely apologize to anyone for whom this is not really the case. And I know there are some out there. But for me, and probably for many others, this lifelong spiral of self-harm is born out of conceit and stubborn selfishness. I like to think that I am the exception; that I deserve the horrible things that I do to myself because my life has just been so hard. Really, it's pathetic.

Oh by the way I have the flu. The back of my throat looks like a quentin tarantino movie.

Today was a very unproductive day. I didn't go running, I didn't get to a meeting, I hardly did anything on my to-do list. I went out to lunch with my boyfriend's family, where I had been planning to order only a salad. We went to a greek restaurant and I had a vegan gyro. In my head I tallied it as 700 calories. I also ate one granny smith apple. It was really small, though. I have made a committment to eat one apple per day because my mom, who is a complete space case, bought three huge sacks of apples on three different occaisions in one week. So now there are literally about 50 apples in my house.

Tomorrow I am getting up early, going for a run, and then completing each item on my to-do list (which I'm going to make right now) before I do anything else. Ironically, my lack of productivity today was due to the fact that I was reading Wasted, which I bought for inspiration. I could not put it down. So I'm going to combine it with blogging as something I can only do after 8 pm. I just get really caught up in these things. I read half of the book today.

It seems really twisted to use these kinds of accounts as "thinspiration." This book was clearly intended to discourage eating disorders, and yet I'm sure that most people who read it get the opposite effect. I have actually been inspired to purge after reading the first half. I've been thinking about Chinese food and wondering if I should plan a binge for a couple of weeks from now, after which time I can practice what I've learned about purging. But the addictive aspect of bulimia really scares me. I know from experience that I develop addictions quickly and that they consume me very rapidly.

I have purged only once in my life, though not for lack of trying. I think my main problem is that when I'm eating, I rarely drink any water. I've changed that recently by making it a rule to sip water in between bites of food, but this is a very recent phenomenon. The one time I purged I was in eighth grade, and my mother had forced me to eat a bowl of cereal while she watched me with hawk eyes. I was so desperate to expel it from my body that I took ipecac. If you ever want to truly punish yourself...

It tasted like death, and then all of my vomit had that same taste coming up. And there was so much puke. I felt like I was throwing up things I had never even eaten. I couldn't stop wretching for hours.

I've noticed that as I get older my gag reflex is getting more and more sensitive. I've thrown up simply after smelling garbage or drinking too much coffee. This seems counterintuitive but it's a pretty welcome change. I'd rather have less trouble than more trouble throwing up. I wonder if it's related to all the alcohol I've consumed over the last couple years. I have done some real puking in my day. Alright. I'm going to go read and probably stay up too late doing it.

What a great day.

I didn't end up sleeping at all last night so this is being written through a haze of exhaustion. There's a pretty good chance that I'll fall asleep mid-sentence.

I went to Barnes and Noble and they didn't have a single copy of Marya Hornbacher's book! I was too scared to ask for help finding it, so I looked in practically every section of the store under author names starting with "h." I made sure to look all around the general vicinity just in case one had been replaced in the wrong spot. But no luck! On a whim I stopped at Half-Price Books on the way home and they had both hardcover and paperback. I bought the paper one. I also ended up buying Middlesex - which I'm really looking forward to since I read The Virgin Suicides in less than two hours and then immediately started it again from the beginning. I also bought a book called Smashed about college life and alcoholism. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to read it but someone in my outpatient group said they were reading it and it reminded them of me. That's probably not really a compliment, but I feel flattered when someone thinks of me in any context at all. Like when Kat publicly thanked me for my compliment in her blog; I felt a momentary rush of celebrity.

All I ate today was celery with peanut butter. Probably one and a half stalks total. That's a lot of peanut butter, but it could have been so much worse. I was looking around for food and noticing that once again, we don't have any in our house. That was pretty much fine with me, but it meant I would have to cook something. After scavenging, I decided to make falafel and tabouleh (sp?). Do you have any idea how many calories are in falafel??? Let me give you a hint: it's deep fried!! I have never seen a skinny person eating anything deep fried. But, my sister came to the rescue by preparing herself a large plate of celery with peanut butter and then deciding she wanted cheese and crackers instead. I ate a bit of her celery and was saved. It's weird I don't even feel hungry at all. Actually I feel almost uncomfortably full. And I ate that celery at 4:00; it's now 10:00! Maybe I drank too much water.

I started reading Wasted and I can tell that I'm going to love it. I totally agree that eating disorders are an addiction. It makes me wonder if they could be treated similarly; like with a 12-step program. I guess there probably is an overeaters' anonymous, but what about anorexics anonymous? I'll have to look it up if I EVER get any free time. Although I see my eating disorder and my addiction as opposites, they are complexly intertwined.

I have always been weird about food. When I was a kid my parents had to take me to the doctor because I refused to eat anything but spaghetti. I hadn't eaten in days. I thought that if I combined certain types of spices and ate them, I would be able to fly. Especially the extremely potent combination of salt, pepper, and mint leaves from the garden. It tasted friggin' disgusting. In my early teens I dieted to the point of illness and then was "nurtured" back to health by my mother. After that I developed a binge-eating disorder and abused laxatives and compulsively exercised. I went to see a psychiatrist who told me that my problem wasn't food; for example if I did graffiti or arson I probably wouldn't feel the need to feed my emotions. Misconstruing this as advice, I began to make cuts and burns on my legs to deal with stress. Sure enough, my problems with food evaporated. I was still (and probably always will be) an obsessive calorie-counter with rules about how, when and what I could eat, but this was no longer the main focus in my life and my urges to binge disappeared. As I got older however, this method of self-expression seemed more and more childish. Explaining it to boyfriends was mortifying and I felt like an attention-starved brat when someone would ask about my scars. I found that I could just as easily channel my emotions with drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. To me these addictions are totally interchangeable.

Okay. Time for some much-needed sleep.

I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've been doing!! I'm not in school and I'm not working. I really need to make this a priority.

Today I almost had a major lapse:

My sister's been hanging out with her new boyfriend all the time lately, and I've been feeling needy and lonely because I'm stuck at home and all my friends live at the university. So once again she asked me if I wanted to hang out today and then (oops!) made other plans. I pretended like I didn't care, that I had accidentally overbooked myself too. Then my mom came home and told us that there was a cultural event going on tonight (we're really involved in our eastern european ethnic community). I said sorry but I just had way too much to do. My sister said sorry but she was hanging out with her boyfriend. My mom then proceeded to get sulky and say, "You know it really bothers me that you girls don't attend these events. And it's an embarrassment to the family: all the other young people go." Which is not true at all. So I cheerfully said, "well, I can probably put some of that work off until tomorrow."
I don't know why I always do this. Actually I didn't want to go at all, and I was nervous because those kinds of events can be really triggering for me, and my friends in the community are crazy drinkers and would expect me to drink as well. And then my sister got mad at me because she thought I was trying to make her look like the bad daughter and now she felt like she had to go. For some reason I burst into tears and I could not stop crying.
My mom said I didn't have to go (she didn't want me embarrassing her). Then she left and my sister went to go hang out with her stupid boyfriend. Back when I was drinking, an event such as this would have been the perfect excuse to pull out the vodka, put on a movie and zone out. I felt like I deserved it. I knew I couldn't drink, but I figured a couple of sleeping pills would have a similar effect without breaking my sobriety. The biggest problem with this is that I always want to snack on disgusting junk food when I'm loopy and sitting in front of the television. I was even starting to plan a trip to the gas station to get chips and candy bars.
I went to get the pills from my mom's hiding place and the first bottle I grabbed was my sister's adderall. (My sister has abused her medication in the past so now she has to have it administered to her each day.) I think it was an act of God. Adderall has like the complete opposite effects of sleeping pills: I would be active, my metabolism would be temporarily heightened, my appetite would be suppressed. Plus I was mad at my sister so using her drug of choice seemed like the perfect way to get back at her. I crushed up three of them and mixed the powder into my water. That's why I'm still awake at 3:30 a.m. I didn't eat a thing, and I got my exercises done. But I haven't been as productive as I would have liked to be. I did research on bands so that I can get started on making a mix for my friend. I wanted to start looking at my text books for next quarter.

My jaw is clenching. Weird. My pupils are crazy dilated and I can't stop fidgeting. I love stimulants. I'm really careful with the ADD meds, though, because I could see getting super-addicted to them. I usually only take them if I have to stay up all night to work on a paper or study. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep at all tonight. I wonder if it's even worth it to try.

I set my first short-term goal for myself: 145 by Thursday night. That means I have to really get down to business, because I've been slacking off these last couple of days. Today I ate one apple and a plate of fried potatoes with fake sausage. The potatoes were pretty greasy, so I'm going to put myself at 900 calories for the day.

I've been seeing the book Wasted referenced a lot in other pro-ana blogs and I think I'm going to look for it at the bookstore tomorrow if I have time. I have a gift card to Barnes and Noble from X-mas that I still haven't used. I have a couple of books about anorexia that I keep next to my self-help books, nutrition books and cookbooks on the shelf in my room. I wonder if that looks suspicious, or if anyone even notices. Normal people would probably assume that I'm trying to make sure I don't become anorexic, right? Hmm. Note to self: think about this.

It's my effing birthday!!!

I figured I'm probably going to be pretty busy for the rest of the day, so I'd better write now. Still haven't eaten yet today. I'm supposed to meet a friend for coffee (I'm never tempted by pastry so that shouldn't be problematic) and then the BF. I really don't see any glitches ahead.

And I picked out a brightly-colored outfit that my sister says makes me look like a cartoon character (yes! just the look I was going for). I just have to not spend the night at my BF's tonight. Oh also I'm not sure when I'll have time to do my daily hour of cleaning. Maybe I can clean the kitchen while we're cooking.

I figure it's unfair to not report my weight, because for all anyone knows I could already be skinny or be super obese (which is how I feel), so:
SW: 157.8
CW: 151.0
GW1: 135.0
GW2: 125.0
GW3: 118.0
FGW: 111.0
Man, I always thought it would be daunting to look at that in print, but it actually feels good and very thinspiring. My stomach is growling comfortingly. I haven't eaten since 3:00 pm yesterday. But looking at my current weight in print is scary, too. My start weight was the most I've ever weighed in my life. I hadn't stepped on a scale in months. In part I didn't care about my looks because I was drunk and high all the time, but deep down I realized what I was doing to my body and I didn't want to have to see the proof of it on the scale. I bought a fancy new scale when I started this diet. It was sooo expensive, but totally worth it. Before that we had a tiny dial one, and I hated looking at it and thinking, "that could be anywhere between 146 and 149." The place my friend and I are going to for coffee is new for me. I have this irrational fear of going to new places for the first time. But I wouldn't say I hate it; I just hate that first minute when I walk in and look around and wonder where I'm supposed to stand and if anyone can tell I'm scared.

My best birthday by far was my 18th. My twentieth was pretty good too, and my twenty-first. Somehow I managed not to black out on my 21st birthday, something that became increasingly harder as the year went by. Argh I miss drinking. No, NO I DON'T!!!! All those calories and losing self-control - awful!! Who would voluntarily do that to themselves?! (There we go, that's the spirit!)

All right, time to go celebrate the sober way.

I've been so productive today that I'm out of things to do. I consumed approximately 650 calories today (that's a high estimate, because it would just be awful if I was constantly underestimating). I ran two miles this morning. Now that it's after five I won't eat any more today. I've found that a good way to stick to this is to continually remind myself that I can eat first thing in the morning. But generally I don't break those kinds of food rules. The rules I find myself breaking are the other ones, like "smoke only one cigarette per day." And then once I've broken those rules I say "fuck it" and break all of the other rules too.

Last night I felt hungry so I thought I would eat a lot today, but I didn't end up eating until 2:30 today. I hope I can do that again tomorrow. I already feel hungry. But I'm not thinking about food. After I'm done writing on here I think I'll make myself some tea. Drinking hot beverages always helps me feel full. Unless it's coffee on an empty stomach when I'm already highly caffeinated. That just makes me feel sick and then I feel like I have to eat something right away to soak up the caffeine.

A couple of days ago I ate dinner with my mom and then we were going to watch "Motorcycle Diaries" afterward. She told me to go ahead and start without her because she eats slowly. I almost laughed out loud! I know I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again: the way my mother eats is DISGUSTING. She inhales her food at a rate of one bite per second. And she always talks with her mouth full. It's completely nauseating.

Tomorrow is my twenty-second birthday. I'm not sure how I'm going to celebrate yet. I have group in the evening so fortunately that will complicate any chance of dinner plans. I was thinking that my boyfriend and I could cook something in the afternoon (I love cooking). I was looking through my vegetarian cookbooks and I found a couple of interesting recipes. A vegetable stir-fry or stewed eggplant. I just realized that I have no idea how many calories are in eggplant; I'll have to look that up.

I love looking at cook books, which is a habit I picked up in the very beginning of my disordered eating. I took an interest in vegetarianism as a way to lose weight, and have been obsessed with vegetarian/vegan cooking ever since. I practically collect vegetarian cook books. Actually I guess you could technically classify it as a real collection - I own nine of them. And it's been a long time since I bought a new one and I'm really thinking I should get on it. I haven't even made a fraction of the recipes in them, but I just love to look at them and read the sections on vegetarian nutrition and how to pick out good vegetables etc.

I can't seem to get warm today. I've noticed that if it's really cold out during my morning run, I often stay cold for the rest of the day. It's weird because I wasn't cold while I was running (obviously; I was running) but I've been cold ever since. I guess I don't really mind - it keeps me busy because I have to move more in order to stay warm.

Writing this is making me really sleepy all of the sudden. I guess I'll have to have earl grey tea (is it grey or gray?). Maybe I'll smoke my daily cigarette now too. I need all the boost I can get, since I still have another six and a half hours until bedtime.

FUCK

Yesterday was an awful, awful, awful day.

I ate a huge breakfast, and felt myself in addict mode all day. I read others' pro-ana blogs to keep my focus and keep me from eating. At dinner I ate exactly enough to meet my 1500 calorie absolute limit for the day. I felt a snack-attack coming on so I poured myself a tall glass of water and ran upstairs to read some more blogs. And the stupid, stupid internet was down. It stayed down all evening as I gorged myself on cookies, bread, and crackers. I even ate two girl scout cookies that were NOT vegan. I hated myself when I woke up this morning.

But I am back on track. I made twenty more rules for myself and followed them all today. Not all my rules have to do with eating or exercise, but about 80% of them do. They all have to do with being a better person. So now I have forty total:

1. Go running every day
2. Lift weights every day
3. Do 50 crunches every night before bed
4. Do 50 sit-ups every night before bed (to me they're different...don't ask)
5. Do push-ups every day
6. Do squats every day
7. Do three sun-salutations each morning
8. Weigh yourself every night before bed
9. Eat only plant-based foods
10. No fake sweeteners
11. Record all food consumed in journal
12. Don't spend any money on food when alone
13. All meals must be eaten sitting down at a table
14. Take one sip of water between each bite of food consumed
15. Don't eat after 5:00 pm
16. Take a vegetable laxative for each day you don't poop!
17. Brush teeth first thing each morning
18. Brush and floss every night before bed
19. Five-minute shower every evening
20. Moisturize daily
21. Take a daily multivitamin
22. Never skip antidepressants
23. No drugs or alcohol!
24. Smoke only one cigarette each day
25. Only herbal sleep aids (in the proper doses!)
26. Don't leave the house without make-up on (except to exercise)
27. Stop popping your zits!
28. Sleep at least 6 hours per night
29. Don't sleep more than 9 hours per night
30. Sleep in your own bed in your own pajamas
31. Clean for one hour every day
32. Talk to at least one non-family friend each day
33. Journal at least one page daily
34. Blog for at least twenty minutes each day
35. Don't blog until after 8:00 pm (otherwise I'll just spend all day on here!)
36. Make and complete a one page to-do list each day
37. Don't watch any movies you've already seen
38. Check email daily
39. Unplug fuse each time you park your car (yeah my car is a POS)
40. Give at least one creative compliment daily

I've done all of these except I could not complete the to-do list I made for myself today. It was a little too ambitious I think. I've been having drinking dreams almost every night for the last three or four nights. Maybe it's because I'll have thirty days tomorrow. I've heard milestones are hard. Also I've been taking melatonin at night. My sister told me that stuff makes you have weird dreams.

I did pretty well today. Sips of water between bites worked awesome. I ate one meal today, spaghetti. Since I knew that would be my only meal I served myself a huge bowl, but ended up eating only half of it. It was still a lot but I usually clean my plate so it's progress.
I hope the other girlies out there are starving more successfully than me. :)

I am breaking all of my rules today. When I started this diet I made twenty rules. Rules for acting "as if" and getting my life back on track. Rules for being productive. I have kept all of them every day until today (technically last night). So in order to make up for it, I decided it would be okay to break all my rules one day a week as long as I didn't eat anything. It's almost five and there is no food in my stomach!

My BF wanted to get gyros, which I agreed to yesterday before I made up my mind about the compromise I would have to make if I was going to abandon my rules. So when he called me today I pretended like I had completely forgotten. "Oh no! I just ate a huge breakfast! But I guess I can go and just get fries or something" [something my old fat self would have done]. But when we got there I just ordered a soda (diet coke, since I'm breaking all my rules). When his food came he asked if I had ordered fries, and I said, "no, I'm really not hungry. Maybe I'll have a couple of yours." But I didn't ask and he didn't offer and I escaped with my stomach unadulterated. And when he asked me what I had eaten for breakfast that I was so full, I smoothly answered without hesitation: "An enormous bowl of cereal and TWO pieces of toast with peanutbutter!" (I'd like to thank the academy...)

I got really tempted to binge earlier. My mom was leaving the house to go grocery shopping and I remembered that there were girl scout cookies and cheetos in the downstairs cupboard. I actually started muttering out loud to my self "no no no no no no no I can't I can't no no." It worked for a second and the mood passed, but then I found myself going downstairs anyway. As I was very slowly and shakily walking down the stairs I said (out loud again) "soup, soup I can have soup - that's not food - soup soup." I looked around the kitchen. I put the tea kettle on, thinking something warm might satisfy this evil hunger. I found a carton of vegetable broth in the cupboard and shook it. Some retard had opened it and left it out. I looked at bullion cubes but I really did NOT want to break my veganism. Something told me that if I did it would all be over. And then, vegeta.

This stuff is friggin' amazing. 0 calories and it's incredibly potent. I put a tiny spoonful in a mug and have been adding more hot water to it ever since (that was almost two hours ago!). My cravings are completely gone and I am victorious! Fantastic. I feel bad about not running today, though. Tomorrow I increase to two miles a day. I'm excited for the number on the scale tomorrow evening - my first week of restricting and I've done a fantastic job. I think I might treat myself to some diet dr. pepper. Or maybe another energy drink. Or maybe both!

Now to think of an excuse to avoid dinner.
"I'm right in the middle of something at the moment - I'll grab a bite later."
Or I could suggest a tv dinner so that no one notices how much I eat (or don't eat!)
Or I could go hang out somewhere else for a while and come back after dinner's over.

So many possibilities. :)

Today (technically yesterday) was quite possibly one of the best days of my life to date. I couldn't even tell you why - nothing particularly amazing happened. It was just one of those days where everything went my way. No snags, no disappointments, and no slip-ups. 725 calories (a new new low for me), and I'm down another 1.6 lbs.

I did, however, consume some suspiciously creamy lentils at a banquet I attended, and so I probably broke my veganism. But I only had six bites. The guy sitting next to me commented that I "hardly touched" my food!! I took it as a huge compliment. I am now sitting in my underwear and feeling great about myself. Waiting for a call from the BF, although I'm starting to wonder if he gets off work at 1:00 and not midnight. I really probably shouldn't hang out with him as I made a resolution to start sleeping in my own bed and it's already super late. Plus I don't want to throw off my sleep schedule. But I'm not going to lie; being this happy and feeling this attractive makes me want to have sex. Plus I drank tons of coffee at that banquet and I don't really want to drink theraflu again.

I have two aquatic turtles in my room. They're babies (well, three years old but that's really young for reptiles) and so they're still pretty tiny. But in comparison with one another, one is really fat and the other one really small. Every time I feed them, the fat one pushes the little one out of the way and eats all the food really fast. Sometimes I take him out of the tank so I can make sure the little one gets something to eat. But I don't feed the small guy too much because I don't want him to get fat like the other one. While watching them just now I thought that they could make a good representation of my addict vs. my dieter. The way I feel about them is pretty fitting, too. The fat one seems mean and kind of scares me, and I love the small one a whole lot. But the fatty is a lot stronger and has to be contained in order for the tiny one to survive. What a brilliant analogy - I should have been an english major.

My stomach feels pleasantly empty. :)

I feel like such a whale. I felt horrible about myself all day. Frumpy, fat, ugly, dirty and other words come to mind. Plus I engaged in a mini-binge this morning. I didn't eat any foods that were not allowed, and I made sure to sit down at the table and pour myself a glass of water with each food that I consumed, but it was unplanned and therefore out of control and really shameful. I barely stayed within my self-imposed limit today. And as I continue to read other girls' chronicled success that limit is seeming more and more disproportionate. 1500 calories would feed an obese person. I can't believe that to me it feels like a diet.

And I ran out of benedryl so I drank theraflu to help me get sleepy instead. That stuff has at least 5 calories AND contains aspartame - and I vowed to stay away from fake sweeteners!!

I feel like my addict and my eating disorder are two incompatible sides of me that are constantly battling for my attention: good vs. evil. Today I was much more addict than dieter. Lately every time I think about alcohol I remind myself of the calories and loss of control that come with it, and that's enough to inhibit any cravings. But today controlled eating was just not on my mind. All I could think about was a chilled bottle of vodka and solitude. By some kind of miracle I am still down another .8 lbs today. Maybe it's just dehydration.

Okay I know this sounds really elitist but I get kind of skeptical when reading pro-ana blogs with poor spelling and grammar. I thought anorexics were supposed to be perfectionists who excel in all areas of life. Especially those in which they are judged or graded. And in my experience it's pretty hard to be a straight-A student who spells tomorrow with an "a". I don't know. Like my sister went away for awhile to reform school, and when she came back she was super skinny and claimed that she had developed anorexia. But she went back to normal within a couple of months. Plus I never thought she could have been anorexic in the first place because she's a slob who fails classes and gets in trouble all the time. Sorry but there's a difference between excessive dieting and disease.

I cleaned the refrigerator this morning. Talk about appetite suppressants. After encountering moldy applesauce and sourcream and unrecognizeable leftovers I am not hungry. I baked some pillsbury peanut butter brownies and now the house smells divine. Unfortunately I won't be able to try them because I'm vegan! ;) But seriously I've come to realize that sweets generally are more pleasant to smell than to eat. They're way too rich and leave you with that guilty, panicked feeling - like you have to get the gym stat.

In case you didn't already know I am a crazy conservationist. I recycle EVERYTHING, I time my showers to five minutes per day with an alarm, I turn off the faucet while lathering my hands, and I hate "stuff." I buy almost all my clothes used, I keep my shoes until there are holes in the bottoms, and I've had the same backpack since I was 13. Minimalism is my mantra. So cleaning out the fridge was also inspirational because I found all these things that are close to expiration (or just past) that I want to incorporate into my diet during the next couple of days. One half-jar of prego tomato sauce, a half-jar of applesauce, a soy yogurt, brocolli and cabbage, and an apple with one bite out of it (WTF!?). I think I became this way very slowly after being intrigued by the anorexic girl in My Sister's Bones, which is kind of disturbing. I know I wasn't always like this but now it's a central part of my identity. Who knew that reading a book could change your life?

I didn't find it necessary to eat the apple, so 980 calories was my final total for the day. A low for this week so far. What's weird is that I know there are people who would be disgusted at this kind of indulgence, and there have been times when I would be one of them. But given my recent history I'm feeling pretty proud. Let's just hope that my achievements will give me much bigger accomplishments to be proud of in the near future.

I've been drinking so much water lately. This is an improvement for me - I'm kind of a caffeine freak and tend to prefer something with a little more zing than water. Not that I haven't also been consuming large amounts of (unsweetened!) coffee and tea. Caffeine is supposedly good for your metabolism, which makes sense, since it speeds up everything in your body. But caffeine also makes you pee a lot, leading to dehydration which can cause a false sense of hunger and bloating. Yuck. So staying hydrated is key to looking fabulous.

My mood is up today. I am down another .8 pounds. I like to weigh myself at the very end of the day, rather than the beginning. I feel like it's cheating to wait until after a full night's sleep and a morning pee. I don't know, it's just that gnawing awareness that at some point later that day I might be two pounds heavier. I just can't feel good about my weight knowing that. So I prefer to weigh myself at my heaviest, because if I can feel good about that, then I have permission to feel good about anything.

Ten minutes before I need to go to group. I'm listening to a mix that my very good guy friend J. gave to me. He's the best, only truly platonic love in my life (besides my family ew gross). Sometimes, especially upon first listening to mix tapes he makes me, I get confused about my feelings for him just because they're so strong. If I had to define it I would say I am platonically "in love" with him. Completely nonsexual, but a very intense appreciation of him on a spiritual level.

Claim Jumper went swimmingly. Got my salad exactly as planned and didn't even try one of my BF's fries. I drank unsweetened iced tea (yum!). I just finished a dinner of broiled tofu, bringing my calorie count for the day to 980. I will allow myself an apple when I get home from group, but only if I'm truly hungry. Oh I can't forget to bring my water bottle. Otherwise I'll be tempted to have some of the caffeine-free diet sodas they have there. They look innocent, but in my experience fake sweeteners seem to increase my appetite and slow my weight loss. I always stay away from them when dieting, and recommend that anyone else who's trying to lose weight do the same. Ever notice how only fat people drink diet coke? And you glare at them and think, "why are you even bothering?"

Claim Jumper does not publish nutrition information, but I read a statement that someone had sent out a piece of their cake for analysis and learned that that single piece of cake contained 4500 calories.

I believe it. Have you seen the whales that eat there? So I looked up the Cheesecake Factory's info for a Chinese Chicken Salad. I think it's pretty similar in size and composition to Claim Jumper. And get this, no joke: 960 calories for the entree salad.

Who knew a salad could be sooooo bad for you?? So I've decided to get the half-size with no chicken, dressing on the side and none of the crispy noodle wonton things. By my calculations that will be approximately 460 calories. And lots of water to drink.

This morning I watched my mom eat breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen and made me never want to eat again. I'll have to remember that next time I get a craving. She inhales her food and chews with her mouth open. And she's always doing something else like talking or reading or watching television when she eats. You can actually hear the deep breaths she takes between the huge bites she stuffs into her mouth. And she was wiping her plate with the toast - I shudder just at the thought of it.

It's weirdly liberating to post on this blog. These are things that I've always kept in my head, too scared to put them on paper for the fear of someone stumbling across them. Searching for pro-ana websites and literature is such taboo, even though I bet most women have done it at least once. After years of erasing my internet history and trying to memorize tips and tricks so I wouldn't have to write them down, I feel truly free to express what is actually on my mind.

It's been ridiculously cold out for the last couple of days so my morning runs have been invigorating but uncomfortably strenuous. I hope its just the cold that makes it seem so difficult, but more likely its my disgusting fat ass. Oh I'm on my stupid period, too. I miss the days when I was too slender and stressed out to get my period. I went for eight months once without it. But now that I'm actually sexually active that would probably just scare the crap out of me.

Yesterday I went to four different bathrooms and lost seventy-five cents in different dispensers trying to find a tampon, until finally a girl who was in the bathroom at the same time as me offered me one. I remember I was once in a public restroom and in dire need when the dispenser (as I've come to expect) was broken. This crazy hippie who was also in there told me to stand back and she karate kicked the machine. It fell off the wall and pads and tampons spilled all over the floor. She stepped back and said, "If men had periods, these would never be broken."

Returned to place. I have had a long but very productive day. I got a lot of things done that needed doing and that I had been putting off for a long time because I really didn't want to do them. But now that they're done it's a HUGE weight (unfortunately figurative) off my chest.

Waiting for the benedryl to kick in. In my recovery I have become dependent on benedryl for sleep. Trying to kick the habit but I had an afternoon coffee today and didn't take my wellbutrin until like an hour ago. That stuff gives me crazy insomnia.

I consumed 1400 calories today. Within my current 1500 limit but it still felt like a lot. I guess technically it is. And it wasn't contained, sitting-down and concentrating eating, so it didn't feel controlled, either. Tomorrow I am having lunch with the BF at Claim Jumper - the restaurant that specifically caters to lard-asses.

Situations like these are where my restrictive diet comes in handy. I basically can't have anything on the menu. Salad but hold the creamy dressing and I can't eat the bread that comes with it, which is probably made with milk and always comes slathered in butter anyway. But unfortunately these places know how to make even the most innocent of salads lethal in terms of calorie-content. I'm sure there will be like two cups of dressing and greasy croutons. I'm going to see if there's nutrition info available online.

Veganism is an excellent cover for restrictive eating. It is ridiculously easy to make a vegan lifestyle choice seem unrelated to weight, because you can defend it with religion, animal rights, environmentalism, conservation (my preferred justification), etc. Just take a look at the PETA site. no one can try to force you to eat cheese if you confront them with, "do you have any idea what they do to dairy cows once they've passed their prime production age?" Plus it automatically cust out eggs, dairy and meat, which are usually centerpieces of high-calorie entrees. But if you've been caught restricting before, going vegan will look very suspicious, so be careful. I would recommend, though not from any previous experience, starting a very visible and relatively slow progression into becoming an animal rights advocate. Make your friends and family watch a PETA video, loudly proclaim how unsexy it is to wear dead animals, etc. Then the vegan thing will seem like a natural part of this process, and its connection to weight loss purely coincidental.

Pro-Ana?

After hungrily reading another blogger's pro-ana blog, plus years of trying to find as much anorexia literature as possible, I have decided to write and publish some of my own. I know there are others like me (perhaps too many others) who "hunger" for this stuff, and why not oblige?

Sorry to say that I am nowhere near anorexic. I have a history of disordered eating and excessive dieting/weightloss, but I believe the title "anorexic" requires a certain amount of control and perfection that are out of my reach. Even at my low weight (YEARS AGO) of 115, the possibility that I was anorexic would never have crossed my mind. I would kill to have as much control as those girls, to be able to starve myself to a point of danger. I am twenty-one years old, 5'8" (closer to 5'9", but not quite there), a soon-to-be unemployed university graduate and a recovering addict. Much too embarrassed and ashamed to publish my current weight, but happy to say that it is falling and will continue to do so.

Sobriety has brought me back enought into the real world to see the havoc I have wreaked upon my body in the deepest throws of my addiction. I want my perfect life back.

I am a compulsive perfectionist, and somehow managed to keep my job and a 3.8 GPA while guzzling a fifth of vodka and tons of sleeping pills daily. But I could not maintain my body (no small wonder, alcohol has a whopping seven calories per gram) and so here I am, fifteen pounds heavier and wildly depressed, but sober, finally. And ready to beat myself back into shape.

This week I am back on a strict vegan diet (for the first time in months), taking my antidepressants as directed (wellbutrin is the best for curbing cravings also), running one mile daily (I've never been much of an exerciser but I'm working on it), and lifting weights and doing crunches. I am making a solemn vow to commit at least twenty minutes to this blog each day, devoted solely to recording my progress in coming a little closer each day to perfection.
Perfect body = perfect life.