Weight: 145.6 (a new low since I started writing: yay!!)
Intake: 8 oz vanilla soy milk, 2 bottles of low-cal vitamin water, 2 apple ciders
Calories: 310
Just so you'd know I don't calculate how much water, coffee, tea or other no-cal beverages I consume. And I DO NOT drink anything containing aspartame (when I'm being good). It might be just a mind trick but I swear that stuff makes me eat.
The apple cider was a mistake; I was just going to have one but it was so dang delicious. So now I'm on an obscene sugar rush and kicking myself a little bit.
Something weird is going on with my teeth today. I swear I brushed them this morning (I'm pretty anal about it and I remember doing it), but they felt disgusting all day. I couldn't wait to get home and brush them, which I did immediately upon returning. But they still felt gross. So I brushed them again, and still, yuck. So I tried again with different toothpaste, but nothing doing. I'm going to go try using a different brush. This is really irritating and gross.
Mildly better, but still weird.
I'm thinking that eating days on this diet might be harder than the no-eating days. It's relatively simple as long as you don't get started (for me at least), but stopping once you start is quite difficult! I'm nervous for tomorrow - I'm having vegan dinner at a friend's house. I think I'll buy gum for before and after. One piece while we're cooking so that I don't snack. Then when dinner's served I'll give myself a 240-calorie portion and insert a stick of gum immediately afterward. I have faith in myself, though. Plus, how embarrassing would it be to have to admit publicly (on here) that I failed my fast on the second day?? Yeah.
Oh, by the way, I hate my boyfriend. We were supposed to hang out tonight after I got done with IOP at 8. He didn't pick up his phone until 8:45. I still had to go for my run, and he was going to have a sandwich, so he said he'd call me when he was done. He did not call me until almost 10:30. I know it doesn't take that long to make and eat a sandwich. Maybe he was hoping I would say it was too late. If so, he got his wish.
Alright, rant is complete.
Oh man the melatonin is kicking in. Can't wait for the scales tomorrow (God it's been too long since I felt this way) - wish me luck!!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
146.6
Breakfast: 2/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romaine lettuce leaves with 2 tbs amy's goddess dressing
Lunch: 1/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romain lettuce leaves w/ 2tbs amy's dressing
Snack: 1 grapefruit
Dinner: 1 microwaved boca patty with garlic salt, 10 oz carton of grape tomatoes
Calories = 800
Finished up 2-4-6-8 with hardly any problems. Tomorrow will be day number one of my 34-day liquid fast! I'm psyched. I am feeling really confident about it. It's weird; I just know I can do it. It sucks that I'm on my stupid period, because that means I'll probably get it one more time before the fast is over. It just makes everything a little bit harder. But I'll survive. :)
Today was weird food-wise. I had a lot of trouble consuming 800 calories; it seemed like SO MUCH FOOD. But then I totally almost gave into temptation and started what I'm sure would have been an ugly binge. I went to a friend's house for game night at 8:00, and there were chips and salsa. I don't even particularly like chips and salsa. I did great at resisting them until about five minutes before I had to go home. I was staring at the half-eaten bag of hint-of-lime tortilla chips and dangerous thoughts started crossing my mind. I thought, "maybe I could eat that one little piece. It's like a third of a chip - insignificant in terms of calories." My fat self was saying that I was going to leave soon so having just one would be easy. I actually reached my hand into the bag... ...and then paused. My skinny self knew what was going to happen if I gave in to the moment of weakness and reminded me of how hard I've been working. I pulled my hand out of the bag and didn't eat any chips! It was miraculous. I am very proud of myself. However, in the future it would be better if those thoughts didn't enter my mind at all - that way I wouldn't have to control the impulse to eat.
Midterm tomorrow in labor market analysis. Ugh. I didn't study at all today, so I guess I'll have to get up early tomorrow.
I'm going to be spending a lot of time on here during the next thirty-four days. Must stay focused and motivated.
Daily weigh-ins are going to be a blast. (!)
Lunch: 1/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romain lettuce leaves w/ 2tbs amy's dressing
Snack: 1 grapefruit
Dinner: 1 microwaved boca patty with garlic salt, 10 oz carton of grape tomatoes
Calories = 800
Finished up 2-4-6-8 with hardly any problems. Tomorrow will be day number one of my 34-day liquid fast! I'm psyched. I am feeling really confident about it. It's weird; I just know I can do it. It sucks that I'm on my stupid period, because that means I'll probably get it one more time before the fast is over. It just makes everything a little bit harder. But I'll survive. :)
Today was weird food-wise. I had a lot of trouble consuming 800 calories; it seemed like SO MUCH FOOD. But then I totally almost gave into temptation and started what I'm sure would have been an ugly binge. I went to a friend's house for game night at 8:00, and there were chips and salsa. I don't even particularly like chips and salsa. I did great at resisting them until about five minutes before I had to go home. I was staring at the half-eaten bag of hint-of-lime tortilla chips and dangerous thoughts started crossing my mind. I thought, "maybe I could eat that one little piece. It's like a third of a chip - insignificant in terms of calories." My fat self was saying that I was going to leave soon so having just one would be easy. I actually reached my hand into the bag... ...and then paused. My skinny self knew what was going to happen if I gave in to the moment of weakness and reminded me of how hard I've been working. I pulled my hand out of the bag and didn't eat any chips! It was miraculous. I am very proud of myself. However, in the future it would be better if those thoughts didn't enter my mind at all - that way I wouldn't have to control the impulse to eat.
Midterm tomorrow in labor market analysis. Ugh. I didn't study at all today, so I guess I'll have to get up early tomorrow.
I'm going to be spending a lot of time on here during the next thirty-four days. Must stay focused and motivated.
Daily weigh-ins are going to be a blast. (!)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
147.8
Breakfast: 9 grapes, 1 bottle of sugar-free (stevia-sweetened) vitamin water
Lunch: 1/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romaine lettuce leaves with 2 tbs. amy's goddess dressing
Snack: 1 apple, 3 strawberries
Dinner: same as lunch
Calories: 600
It feels great to see the numbers on the scale going down again. The loss seems unnaturally fast to me - but I've pooped like three times in the last couple of days. I think all that purging from the last few weeks made me super-constipated (sorry! I know it's gross but I had to get it off my chest).
I got two tests back today. 98 on one and 100 on the other.
You know what's weird? After I got the 98 I was really disappointed because the high score in the class was 99, which means someone did better than me. I'm so insanely competitive that I couldn't even appreciate my good grade because second place is worthless to me. But on some level I realize how silly that is and so I guess I'm still pretty proud of myself. :)
Tomorrow will be the last day of 2-4-6-8. I'm going to jump right into a 34-day liquid fast afterward. I read about the fast on another blog and I used to always think, "I would never be able to do that. Maybe someday I'll have the willpower." Now I know I can make it. One day at a time (as they say in AA). I'm excited. The longest I've ever fasted was three days. The title of the 34-day liquid fast is deceiving; I am not going to fast for 34 days straight. The way I understood it (and thus the way I'm going to do it) is: one day of fasting, then one day of eating. Then two days of fasting, then one day of eating. Then three days of fasting, etc. all the way through to a full seven-day fast. I wanted to do a pure juice fast, but I'm still in school and do not feel like giving up coffee at the moment. So I'm expanding mine to include any and all liquids (except, of course, my nemesis alcohol, and anything non-vegan). I will tally my calorie intake on fasting days, but not restrict. On eating days, I must consume a total of 250 calories (no more, no less) and none of them can be liquid.
Hooray!!!
I can't wait for the feeling of cleansing emptiness; I almost want to start tomorrow. But I need to finish my current diet before starting the next one. I'm so excited to have followers. It made my day today.
Lunch: 1/5 block of firm tofu (broiled), 6 romaine lettuce leaves with 2 tbs. amy's goddess dressing
Snack: 1 apple, 3 strawberries
Dinner: same as lunch
Calories: 600
It feels great to see the numbers on the scale going down again. The loss seems unnaturally fast to me - but I've pooped like three times in the last couple of days. I think all that purging from the last few weeks made me super-constipated (sorry! I know it's gross but I had to get it off my chest).
I got two tests back today. 98 on one and 100 on the other.
You know what's weird? After I got the 98 I was really disappointed because the high score in the class was 99, which means someone did better than me. I'm so insanely competitive that I couldn't even appreciate my good grade because second place is worthless to me. But on some level I realize how silly that is and so I guess I'm still pretty proud of myself. :)
Tomorrow will be the last day of 2-4-6-8. I'm going to jump right into a 34-day liquid fast afterward. I read about the fast on another blog and I used to always think, "I would never be able to do that. Maybe someday I'll have the willpower." Now I know I can make it. One day at a time (as they say in AA). I'm excited. The longest I've ever fasted was three days. The title of the 34-day liquid fast is deceiving; I am not going to fast for 34 days straight. The way I understood it (and thus the way I'm going to do it) is: one day of fasting, then one day of eating. Then two days of fasting, then one day of eating. Then three days of fasting, etc. all the way through to a full seven-day fast. I wanted to do a pure juice fast, but I'm still in school and do not feel like giving up coffee at the moment. So I'm expanding mine to include any and all liquids (except, of course, my nemesis alcohol, and anything non-vegan). I will tally my calorie intake on fasting days, but not restrict. On eating days, I must consume a total of 250 calories (no more, no less) and none of them can be liquid.
Hooray!!!
I can't wait for the feeling of cleansing emptiness; I almost want to start tomorrow. But I need to finish my current diet before starting the next one. I'm so excited to have followers. It made my day today.
Monday, May 4, 2009
150.2
Breakfast: 1 tomato with salt, 1 organic celery heart, microwaved boca patty with garlic salt
Lunch: same as breakfast
Dinner: 2 cups red seedless grapes
Calorie intake = 400
I saw the wolverine movie tonight with the BF and snuck in the grapes. I wish I would have brought tomatoes instead; those grapes are really high in sugar! The movie, by the way, was not very good, but Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man in the world and you totally get to see his butt.
Day 2 of 2-4-6-8 went well. I'm a little nervous about the grapes because I'm horrible at measuring and what if I had more than two cups? Ugh. I won't stress about it. Just be more careful tomorrow.
I have a tendency to get into food ruts. But I guess I shouldn't call them ruts because I really kind of enjoy it. Like the boca patty with celery and tomato thing. Three meals in a row that was what I ate. But now we're out of tomatoes and celery, so I guess I'll have to switch it up tomorrow. I'm thinking broiled tofu.
I did eight-minute abs yesterday and today and I am really sore. That just shows how completely out of shape I am. Same with running. Just a few weeks ago I was running three miles a day and now just running one mile seems difficult. I am ridiculously out of shape and it seems like it happened really fast. But honestly I haven't done real sit-ups in probably like a year.
I remember the moment I started thinking about my weight. I was in eight grade, thirteen years old. It was around Christmas and we drove down to the Olympia to visit my cousin's family. We probably see them like three or four times a year. My uncle was like, "you've gotten big!" Assuming he meant height-wise I grinned and said, "oh yeah I'm really tall now." And he was like, "no, you've gotten... BIG." And ever since then I've been completely obsessed with my weight. Seriously it was like overnight. Something I had never even considered before was suddenly the center of my world.
Lunch: same as breakfast
Dinner: 2 cups red seedless grapes
Calorie intake = 400
I saw the wolverine movie tonight with the BF and snuck in the grapes. I wish I would have brought tomatoes instead; those grapes are really high in sugar! The movie, by the way, was not very good, but Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man in the world and you totally get to see his butt.
Day 2 of 2-4-6-8 went well. I'm a little nervous about the grapes because I'm horrible at measuring and what if I had more than two cups? Ugh. I won't stress about it. Just be more careful tomorrow.
I have a tendency to get into food ruts. But I guess I shouldn't call them ruts because I really kind of enjoy it. Like the boca patty with celery and tomato thing. Three meals in a row that was what I ate. But now we're out of tomatoes and celery, so I guess I'll have to switch it up tomorrow. I'm thinking broiled tofu.
I did eight-minute abs yesterday and today and I am really sore. That just shows how completely out of shape I am. Same with running. Just a few weeks ago I was running three miles a day and now just running one mile seems difficult. I am ridiculously out of shape and it seems like it happened really fast. But honestly I haven't done real sit-ups in probably like a year.
I remember the moment I started thinking about my weight. I was in eight grade, thirteen years old. It was around Christmas and we drove down to the Olympia to visit my cousin's family. We probably see them like three or four times a year. My uncle was like, "you've gotten big!" Assuming he meant height-wise I grinned and said, "oh yeah I'm really tall now." And he was like, "no, you've gotten... BIG." And ever since then I've been completely obsessed with my weight. Seriously it was like overnight. Something I had never even considered before was suddenly the center of my world.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
152.8
Lunch: 1/2 red delicious apple
Dinner: 1 boca patty, 1 large tomato and 5 tiny stalks of celery (they were organic) :)
Calories: 200
Oh my god I can't friggin believe it's been such a long time since I was on here. Time goes by so fast and weight stays depressingly stagnant. But that's because I've been avoiding all sacrifice, and have been on a binge-purge nightmare cycle since the last time I wrote. I'm going to say I probably vomited on average 6 times every four days. And I didn't exercise once. My motto for the last three weeks has been "I'll start tomorrow." Well, finally, today was tomorrow and I am back in the game.
No more half-assed bullshit. I do not want to be bulimic. I want to be thin, in control, happy, productive. And bulimia practically is the definition of waste. I hate waste. HATE IT. I am such a hypocrite for prancing around trying to convince people to conserve and reuse and recycle, then off to the bathroom to puke up the entire pizza I just ate.
So today is Day One. I'm jumping right back in with 2-4-6-8. And forcing myself to exercise everyday until it becomes habitual and I actually like it. I'm not going overboard this time. I'll start simple: run at least one mile each day, 30 push-ups and eight-minute abs. That's it. Easy. I can do the whole thing in a little over 20 minutes if I want so there are no excuses for not doing it.
Why I Need to be Thin
1. So I won't feel so shitty about the way I look all the time;
2. So that I can actually pull off the weird hippie clothes that constitute my wardrobe;
3. So people will stop thinking that my sister is "the pretty one;"
4. So I won't be too shy to let my boyfriend see me naked;
5. So people will think I'm a runner when I exercise, instead of a fat girl trying to lose weight;
6. So that I'm not ashamed to let guys pick me up;
7. So that I'm not ashamed to tell people how much I weigh;
8. So people won't look skeptical when I tell them I'm a vegan;
9. So that my boyfriend's continual remarks on how attractive other girls are won't bother me;
10. So I won't stand out as American when I go to Eastern Europe.
To elaborate on a couple of those: my sister really is the pretty one. She has never had to worry about her weight. She drinks regular soda. I haven't drank any of my calories (except alcohol, lots of alcohol) since I was twelve. She's a fast food junkie. Her stomach is completely flat. Guys love her. She even has really short hair and guys love her. Yesterday my family went to a funeral. She and I left early. This morning, my dad told her she got a compliment after we left: "The lady who shared the table with us said 'your younger daughter should be a model!'" It was a slap in the face to me but also a serious wake-up call, and probably the reason why I am so fully back on the weight-loss wagon. The vegan thing: I've actually had people say, "you're vegan?? But you look so healthy!" EVERYONE knows that healthy, when applied to people who were never obviously unhealthy, means fat. Fat fat fat fat FAT! And finally Eastern Europe. I've applied to the Peace Corps, and will almost certainly be sent to Eastern Europe because I speak Russian. The girls there are ridiculously skinny (and beautiful!). It's like being in a live collection of thinspiration. It's actually a pandemic phenomenon - the girls are so skinny that they can't have babies. Women there are obsessed with their weight, but unlike American women, their diets actually work. I do not want to stand out as the ugly American. I want to blend in.
Well enough for today, I think. But I am 100 percent back.
Dinner: 1 boca patty, 1 large tomato and 5 tiny stalks of celery (they were organic) :)
Calories: 200
Oh my god I can't friggin believe it's been such a long time since I was on here. Time goes by so fast and weight stays depressingly stagnant. But that's because I've been avoiding all sacrifice, and have been on a binge-purge nightmare cycle since the last time I wrote. I'm going to say I probably vomited on average 6 times every four days. And I didn't exercise once. My motto for the last three weeks has been "I'll start tomorrow." Well, finally, today was tomorrow and I am back in the game.
No more half-assed bullshit. I do not want to be bulimic. I want to be thin, in control, happy, productive. And bulimia practically is the definition of waste. I hate waste. HATE IT. I am such a hypocrite for prancing around trying to convince people to conserve and reuse and recycle, then off to the bathroom to puke up the entire pizza I just ate.
So today is Day One. I'm jumping right back in with 2-4-6-8. And forcing myself to exercise everyday until it becomes habitual and I actually like it. I'm not going overboard this time. I'll start simple: run at least one mile each day, 30 push-ups and eight-minute abs. That's it. Easy. I can do the whole thing in a little over 20 minutes if I want so there are no excuses for not doing it.
Why I Need to be Thin
1. So I won't feel so shitty about the way I look all the time;
2. So that I can actually pull off the weird hippie clothes that constitute my wardrobe;
3. So people will stop thinking that my sister is "the pretty one;"
4. So I won't be too shy to let my boyfriend see me naked;
5. So people will think I'm a runner when I exercise, instead of a fat girl trying to lose weight;
6. So that I'm not ashamed to let guys pick me up;
7. So that I'm not ashamed to tell people how much I weigh;
8. So people won't look skeptical when I tell them I'm a vegan;
9. So that my boyfriend's continual remarks on how attractive other girls are won't bother me;
10. So I won't stand out as American when I go to Eastern Europe.
To elaborate on a couple of those: my sister really is the pretty one. She has never had to worry about her weight. She drinks regular soda. I haven't drank any of my calories (except alcohol, lots of alcohol) since I was twelve. She's a fast food junkie. Her stomach is completely flat. Guys love her. She even has really short hair and guys love her. Yesterday my family went to a funeral. She and I left early. This morning, my dad told her she got a compliment after we left: "The lady who shared the table with us said 'your younger daughter should be a model!'" It was a slap in the face to me but also a serious wake-up call, and probably the reason why I am so fully back on the weight-loss wagon. The vegan thing: I've actually had people say, "you're vegan?? But you look so healthy!" EVERYONE knows that healthy, when applied to people who were never obviously unhealthy, means fat. Fat fat fat fat FAT! And finally Eastern Europe. I've applied to the Peace Corps, and will almost certainly be sent to Eastern Europe because I speak Russian. The girls there are ridiculously skinny (and beautiful!). It's like being in a live collection of thinspiration. It's actually a pandemic phenomenon - the girls are so skinny that they can't have babies. Women there are obsessed with their weight, but unlike American women, their diets actually work. I do not want to stand out as the ugly American. I want to blend in.
Well enough for today, I think. But I am 100 percent back.
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