frustration

the kind where you feel completely helpless and small. Like you're in some kind of small enclosed space (Beatrix Kiddo in vol. 2, anyone?) and you're not even bothering to try and escape because you know it's impossible, so you just resign yourself to it and curl up into the smallest ball possible, hoping that maybe, if you can just make yourself small enough, you can disappear and never have to deal with it.

I turned in my rental application today. My parents have to cosign because I don't meet the income requirements, which irritates me because I want this apartment to be 100% mine. But that's not why I feel this way.

I'm a "recovering alcoholic" and I'm in AA. I'm not sure if you guys are familiar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but basically I have a "sponsor," which is someone that's been through the twelve steps already and is supposed to be like a mentor to help you in recovery. Anyway, my sponsor is great - she's super strict which really helps me stay focused (plus I'm a structure-whore), but she's kind of on a power trip. When I told her about my apartment (I already think of it as "mine"), she put her foot down and basically said Don't Do It. I feel like I have to listen to her, because that's one of the major rules in AA - shut up and follow directions. But that apartment is mine. And I absolutely refuse to stay in this house.

I've already made up my mind, but I'm not going to feel good about this unless everyone is on my side.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a people-pleaser. Nothing scares me more than having people disapprove of the choices I'm making. I almost cried when she was telling me her reasons why I should stay with my parents for at least a year, and then maybe think about moving into an apartment with some sober friends. F* that. And the stinging tears made it worse because then I was embarassed as well as frustrated.

I woke up this morning and weighed in at 160.2 (yikes!). All I ate today was fattening icky pastries from work. 1/2 slice of coffee cake, 1 cheese bagel, 1 slice of eggnog bread, and 1/2 a molasses cookie. I have to remember to snag the nutrition info from work so I can calculate the damage done. I also had two energy drinks, (sugarfree rockstars) and I'm about to crack open a third. But luckily after talking to my sponsor I was so keyed up that I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a week. I burned 420 calories in an hour on the treadmill.