I feel like I'm running out of things to talk about on here.
I started taking apple cider vinegar because I've read about it in a few other girls' blogs; supposedly it boosts metabolism and helps with appetite and stuff. The only thing is, I couldn't tell from my reading just how much you're supposed to consume. I guess I'll look it up online after this. I took a couple of spoonfuls but found it to be a lot more tasty than it sounded. I think I'm going to start recording what I eat on here, just to keep myself honest. I already record it in a journal, but knowing that I'm the only one who's going to see it makes it a lot less painful to look at. So today:
Breakfast: avocado and tomato salad (one small avocado, 10 cherry tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper), nectarine, lo-cal vitamin water
Lunch: heel chunk of italian bread, small granny smith apple
Dinner: 16oz strawberry banana smoothie with almonds and soy milk, stick of orbit gum
less than 1065 calories total. I always estimate pretty high, just in case!
I also ran three miles this morning. I was so proud of myself because I was this close to not doing it. I always lie to myself and say I'll do my running after I get home from school/work/outpatient etc., but then of course I'm way too tired by that time to do anything active at all. So today I just put on my running shoes and bolted before I had time to think my way out of it. And I was so glad I did.
Back when I had tons of free time I would plan my daily meals in advance. Although it seemed like a brilliant idea, I found that if anything failed to go according to my plan (my parents made something other than what I had expected for dinner, or the sandwich I intended on getting was out of stock) that I would give up on the whole plan and just eat whatever junk food I felt like. I just have to remember to constantly be cautious of what I'm putting into my body, remembering how much I'm going to regret it later. One of the ladies at the food bank I volunteer at said to me, "once on the lips, forever on the hips." I couldn't believe I hadn't heard it before. But something good to remember.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
First day of school!! I can't believe it's my last quarter. I was telling everyone I saw, even people I didn't know. Like I'd turn to someone sitting next to me and say, "are you excited for this class? It's my last quarter!" I have never gotten straight 4.0s in a single quarter at the university, and so I'm feeling a lot of self-imposed pressure because it's my last chance. I suppose I shouldn't stress too much about it, but now that I don't have a job it seems like I have no excuse not to.
Since I've been sleeping in I feel really pressed for time too. When I was in highschool I woke up at 4:00 am every single day. Now it's nearly impossible for me to wake up earlier than 8:00.
My flu is awful today. I started coughing, which is the worst. For starters, it's painful. And people give you dirty looks like you're doing it on purpose just to infect them so that you won't be alone in your illness. And it's loud; I hate drawing attention to myself, especially in the middle of a crowded auditorium.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to have vegan dinner with my best friend. Since I'm not eating after 5:00 pm, I already thought of the perfect excuse to avoid food. This is one of those once in a lifetime excuses that I feel completely brilliant for having come up with:
"Oh I forgot when we planned this that I getting my blood drawn tomorrow morning and I'm not supposed to eat for 24 hours in advance! I know, it sucks. Could I take some home with me in a tupperware so I can eat it first thing when I'm done with my doctor's appointment tomorrow?"
Yep. Perfect. I wonder what we're making. I hope it's nothing too tempting. I have class from 1:30 to 5:30 so I had probably better pack a snack so that I don't succumb to temptation at "J's". Maybe I should buy some chewing gum, too. I've found that gum works great from keeping me from taking that first bite that so often proves fatal. It gets me every time. I'll agree (after much coercion) to "just try a bite" of something someone made from scratch and then I'll find myself going all out. All-or-nothing is an integral part of my personality. One that I'm working on, since I had to learn the hard way about "everything in moderation."
I felt myself sliding into a binge earlier this evening but then I wondered how much water I had had to drink today. I made an agreement with myself to finish two glasses, and then if I still felt like bingeing, I could. By the time I was done, the urge had passed! We're learning about cravings in outpatient and the most important thing I've gotten out of it is that all urges pass, and most of them last absolutely no longer than fifteen minutes. That is extremely comforting. Remind yourself of it when you're fighting temptations.
Since I've been sleeping in I feel really pressed for time too. When I was in highschool I woke up at 4:00 am every single day. Now it's nearly impossible for me to wake up earlier than 8:00.
My flu is awful today. I started coughing, which is the worst. For starters, it's painful. And people give you dirty looks like you're doing it on purpose just to infect them so that you won't be alone in your illness. And it's loud; I hate drawing attention to myself, especially in the middle of a crowded auditorium.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to have vegan dinner with my best friend. Since I'm not eating after 5:00 pm, I already thought of the perfect excuse to avoid food. This is one of those once in a lifetime excuses that I feel completely brilliant for having come up with:
"Oh I forgot when we planned this that I getting my blood drawn tomorrow morning and I'm not supposed to eat for 24 hours in advance! I know, it sucks. Could I take some home with me in a tupperware so I can eat it first thing when I'm done with my doctor's appointment tomorrow?"
Yep. Perfect. I wonder what we're making. I hope it's nothing too tempting. I have class from 1:30 to 5:30 so I had probably better pack a snack so that I don't succumb to temptation at "J's". Maybe I should buy some chewing gum, too. I've found that gum works great from keeping me from taking that first bite that so often proves fatal. It gets me every time. I'll agree (after much coercion) to "just try a bite" of something someone made from scratch and then I'll find myself going all out. All-or-nothing is an integral part of my personality. One that I'm working on, since I had to learn the hard way about "everything in moderation."
I felt myself sliding into a binge earlier this evening but then I wondered how much water I had had to drink today. I made an agreement with myself to finish two glasses, and then if I still felt like bingeing, I could. By the time I was done, the urge had passed! We're learning about cravings in outpatient and the most important thing I've gotten out of it is that all urges pass, and most of them last absolutely no longer than fifteen minutes. That is extremely comforting. Remind yourself of it when you're fighting temptations.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'm up to three miles each morning. I have not lost a single pound since last time I wrote, but I haven't gained either. I went on a speed binge last week and averaged 3 hours of sleep per night. Luckily it's over. At the time I justified it as burning calories and suppressing my appetite. Although that's true, my goal is not simply weight loss but perfection, and being that tired and strung out did not feel perfect at all.
On Friday I came home to an empty house. I baked instant brownies and made macaroni and cheese. While eating them I remembered my plan to attempt purging with my new knowledge, and so I drank plenty of water while shoveling food into my mouth. The brownies were so hot they burned my throat on the way down. I didn't cut them into bars but rather spooned the hot gooey rich and really quite disgusting mess in heaping gulps. Afterward I braced myself and went to the bathroom. I put my hair up in a ponytail and shoved my fingers to the back of my throat. I kept my fingers pushed all the way back through a couple of gags, and then to my surprise a brown watery mess like diarrhea came out. Without wasting a single second I repeated the action. I did this about eight or nine times until I was satisfied that everything from this meal was up. It was incredibly satisfying. But it was difficult and not something I can envision myself doing regularly. I've decided to reward myself with another binge/purge session of brownies IF I can make my goal weight of 145 by Friday night.
The only major drawback was very red and watery eyes. I also got those tiny popped vessels around my eyes that I used to get from throwing up when I was hung over. I was nervous that someone would think I had been drinking again!
I finished reading Wasted. Allow me to now engage in some hypocritical ranting. Although Mayra Hornbacher analyzes the events of her life and aspects of her own personality that led her down the path of disordered eating, I recognized a pattern in her thinking that I sometimes recognize in myself and others that I really hate. There's this compulsive need to be really screwed up, and doomed to a life of melodramatic self-destruction. But it seems to me like all of the psychotic behavior and self-destruction comes not from anything in the environment or personality of the victim, but from his or her own stubborn glorification of their own insanity. Her life was really not that bad. Her family was really not that messed up. Objectively speaking, she had a good childhood. So did I. So did most of us, probably. We are not victims. We are the perpetrators of the crimes being committed against us. I profusely apologize to anyone for whom this is not really the case. And I know there are some out there. But for me, and probably for many others, this lifelong spiral of self-harm is born out of conceit and stubborn selfishness. I like to think that I am the exception; that I deserve the horrible things that I do to myself because my life has just been so hard. Really, it's pathetic.
Oh by the way I have the flu. The back of my throat looks like a quentin tarantino movie.
On Friday I came home to an empty house. I baked instant brownies and made macaroni and cheese. While eating them I remembered my plan to attempt purging with my new knowledge, and so I drank plenty of water while shoveling food into my mouth. The brownies were so hot they burned my throat on the way down. I didn't cut them into bars but rather spooned the hot gooey rich and really quite disgusting mess in heaping gulps. Afterward I braced myself and went to the bathroom. I put my hair up in a ponytail and shoved my fingers to the back of my throat. I kept my fingers pushed all the way back through a couple of gags, and then to my surprise a brown watery mess like diarrhea came out. Without wasting a single second I repeated the action. I did this about eight or nine times until I was satisfied that everything from this meal was up. It was incredibly satisfying. But it was difficult and not something I can envision myself doing regularly. I've decided to reward myself with another binge/purge session of brownies IF I can make my goal weight of 145 by Friday night.
The only major drawback was very red and watery eyes. I also got those tiny popped vessels around my eyes that I used to get from throwing up when I was hung over. I was nervous that someone would think I had been drinking again!
I finished reading Wasted. Allow me to now engage in some hypocritical ranting. Although Mayra Hornbacher analyzes the events of her life and aspects of her own personality that led her down the path of disordered eating, I recognized a pattern in her thinking that I sometimes recognize in myself and others that I really hate. There's this compulsive need to be really screwed up, and doomed to a life of melodramatic self-destruction. But it seems to me like all of the psychotic behavior and self-destruction comes not from anything in the environment or personality of the victim, but from his or her own stubborn glorification of their own insanity. Her life was really not that bad. Her family was really not that messed up. Objectively speaking, she had a good childhood. So did I. So did most of us, probably. We are not victims. We are the perpetrators of the crimes being committed against us. I profusely apologize to anyone for whom this is not really the case. And I know there are some out there. But for me, and probably for many others, this lifelong spiral of self-harm is born out of conceit and stubborn selfishness. I like to think that I am the exception; that I deserve the horrible things that I do to myself because my life has just been so hard. Really, it's pathetic.
Oh by the way I have the flu. The back of my throat looks like a quentin tarantino movie.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Today was a very unproductive day. I didn't go running, I didn't get to a meeting, I hardly did anything on my to-do list. I went out to lunch with my boyfriend's family, where I had been planning to order only a salad. We went to a greek restaurant and I had a vegan gyro. In my head I tallied it as 700 calories. I also ate one granny smith apple. It was really small, though. I have made a committment to eat one apple per day because my mom, who is a complete space case, bought three huge sacks of apples on three different occaisions in one week. So now there are literally about 50 apples in my house.
Tomorrow I am getting up early, going for a run, and then completing each item on my to-do list (which I'm going to make right now) before I do anything else. Ironically, my lack of productivity today was due to the fact that I was reading Wasted, which I bought for inspiration. I could not put it down. So I'm going to combine it with blogging as something I can only do after 8 pm. I just get really caught up in these things. I read half of the book today.
It seems really twisted to use these kinds of accounts as "thinspiration." This book was clearly intended to discourage eating disorders, and yet I'm sure that most people who read it get the opposite effect. I have actually been inspired to purge after reading the first half. I've been thinking about Chinese food and wondering if I should plan a binge for a couple of weeks from now, after which time I can practice what I've learned about purging. But the addictive aspect of bulimia really scares me. I know from experience that I develop addictions quickly and that they consume me very rapidly.
I have purged only once in my life, though not for lack of trying. I think my main problem is that when I'm eating, I rarely drink any water. I've changed that recently by making it a rule to sip water in between bites of food, but this is a very recent phenomenon. The one time I purged I was in eighth grade, and my mother had forced me to eat a bowl of cereal while she watched me with hawk eyes. I was so desperate to expel it from my body that I took ipecac. If you ever want to truly punish yourself...
It tasted like death, and then all of my vomit had that same taste coming up. And there was so much puke. I felt like I was throwing up things I had never even eaten. I couldn't stop wretching for hours.
I've noticed that as I get older my gag reflex is getting more and more sensitive. I've thrown up simply after smelling garbage or drinking too much coffee. This seems counterintuitive but it's a pretty welcome change. I'd rather have less trouble than more trouble throwing up. I wonder if it's related to all the alcohol I've consumed over the last couple years. I have done some real puking in my day. Alright. I'm going to go read and probably stay up too late doing it.
Tomorrow I am getting up early, going for a run, and then completing each item on my to-do list (which I'm going to make right now) before I do anything else. Ironically, my lack of productivity today was due to the fact that I was reading Wasted, which I bought for inspiration. I could not put it down. So I'm going to combine it with blogging as something I can only do after 8 pm. I just get really caught up in these things. I read half of the book today.
It seems really twisted to use these kinds of accounts as "thinspiration." This book was clearly intended to discourage eating disorders, and yet I'm sure that most people who read it get the opposite effect. I have actually been inspired to purge after reading the first half. I've been thinking about Chinese food and wondering if I should plan a binge for a couple of weeks from now, after which time I can practice what I've learned about purging. But the addictive aspect of bulimia really scares me. I know from experience that I develop addictions quickly and that they consume me very rapidly.
I have purged only once in my life, though not for lack of trying. I think my main problem is that when I'm eating, I rarely drink any water. I've changed that recently by making it a rule to sip water in between bites of food, but this is a very recent phenomenon. The one time I purged I was in eighth grade, and my mother had forced me to eat a bowl of cereal while she watched me with hawk eyes. I was so desperate to expel it from my body that I took ipecac. If you ever want to truly punish yourself...
It tasted like death, and then all of my vomit had that same taste coming up. And there was so much puke. I felt like I was throwing up things I had never even eaten. I couldn't stop wretching for hours.
I've noticed that as I get older my gag reflex is getting more and more sensitive. I've thrown up simply after smelling garbage or drinking too much coffee. This seems counterintuitive but it's a pretty welcome change. I'd rather have less trouble than more trouble throwing up. I wonder if it's related to all the alcohol I've consumed over the last couple years. I have done some real puking in my day. Alright. I'm going to go read and probably stay up too late doing it.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
What a great day.
I didn't end up sleeping at all last night so this is being written through a haze of exhaustion. There's a pretty good chance that I'll fall asleep mid-sentence.
I went to Barnes and Noble and they didn't have a single copy of Marya Hornbacher's book! I was too scared to ask for help finding it, so I looked in practically every section of the store under author names starting with "h." I made sure to look all around the general vicinity just in case one had been replaced in the wrong spot. But no luck! On a whim I stopped at Half-Price Books on the way home and they had both hardcover and paperback. I bought the paper one. I also ended up buying Middlesex - which I'm really looking forward to since I read The Virgin Suicides in less than two hours and then immediately started it again from the beginning. I also bought a book called Smashed about college life and alcoholism. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to read it but someone in my outpatient group said they were reading it and it reminded them of me. That's probably not really a compliment, but I feel flattered when someone thinks of me in any context at all. Like when Kat publicly thanked me for my compliment in her blog; I felt a momentary rush of celebrity.
All I ate today was celery with peanut butter. Probably one and a half stalks total. That's a lot of peanut butter, but it could have been so much worse. I was looking around for food and noticing that once again, we don't have any in our house. That was pretty much fine with me, but it meant I would have to cook something. After scavenging, I decided to make falafel and tabouleh (sp?). Do you have any idea how many calories are in falafel??? Let me give you a hint: it's deep fried!! I have never seen a skinny person eating anything deep fried. But, my sister came to the rescue by preparing herself a large plate of celery with peanut butter and then deciding she wanted cheese and crackers instead. I ate a bit of her celery and was saved. It's weird I don't even feel hungry at all. Actually I feel almost uncomfortably full. And I ate that celery at 4:00; it's now 10:00! Maybe I drank too much water.
I started reading Wasted and I can tell that I'm going to love it. I totally agree that eating disorders are an addiction. It makes me wonder if they could be treated similarly; like with a 12-step program. I guess there probably is an overeaters' anonymous, but what about anorexics anonymous? I'll have to look it up if I EVER get any free time. Although I see my eating disorder and my addiction as opposites, they are complexly intertwined.
I have always been weird about food. When I was a kid my parents had to take me to the doctor because I refused to eat anything but spaghetti. I hadn't eaten in days. I thought that if I combined certain types of spices and ate them, I would be able to fly. Especially the extremely potent combination of salt, pepper, and mint leaves from the garden. It tasted friggin' disgusting. In my early teens I dieted to the point of illness and then was "nurtured" back to health by my mother. After that I developed a binge-eating disorder and abused laxatives and compulsively exercised. I went to see a psychiatrist who told me that my problem wasn't food; for example if I did graffiti or arson I probably wouldn't feel the need to feed my emotions. Misconstruing this as advice, I began to make cuts and burns on my legs to deal with stress. Sure enough, my problems with food evaporated. I was still (and probably always will be) an obsessive calorie-counter with rules about how, when and what I could eat, but this was no longer the main focus in my life and my urges to binge disappeared. As I got older however, this method of self-expression seemed more and more childish. Explaining it to boyfriends was mortifying and I felt like an attention-starved brat when someone would ask about my scars. I found that I could just as easily channel my emotions with drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. To me these addictions are totally interchangeable.
Okay. Time for some much-needed sleep.
I didn't end up sleeping at all last night so this is being written through a haze of exhaustion. There's a pretty good chance that I'll fall asleep mid-sentence.
I went to Barnes and Noble and they didn't have a single copy of Marya Hornbacher's book! I was too scared to ask for help finding it, so I looked in practically every section of the store under author names starting with "h." I made sure to look all around the general vicinity just in case one had been replaced in the wrong spot. But no luck! On a whim I stopped at Half-Price Books on the way home and they had both hardcover and paperback. I bought the paper one. I also ended up buying Middlesex - which I'm really looking forward to since I read The Virgin Suicides in less than two hours and then immediately started it again from the beginning. I also bought a book called Smashed about college life and alcoholism. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to read it but someone in my outpatient group said they were reading it and it reminded them of me. That's probably not really a compliment, but I feel flattered when someone thinks of me in any context at all. Like when Kat publicly thanked me for my compliment in her blog; I felt a momentary rush of celebrity.
All I ate today was celery with peanut butter. Probably one and a half stalks total. That's a lot of peanut butter, but it could have been so much worse. I was looking around for food and noticing that once again, we don't have any in our house. That was pretty much fine with me, but it meant I would have to cook something. After scavenging, I decided to make falafel and tabouleh (sp?). Do you have any idea how many calories are in falafel??? Let me give you a hint: it's deep fried!! I have never seen a skinny person eating anything deep fried. But, my sister came to the rescue by preparing herself a large plate of celery with peanut butter and then deciding she wanted cheese and crackers instead. I ate a bit of her celery and was saved. It's weird I don't even feel hungry at all. Actually I feel almost uncomfortably full. And I ate that celery at 4:00; it's now 10:00! Maybe I drank too much water.
I started reading Wasted and I can tell that I'm going to love it. I totally agree that eating disorders are an addiction. It makes me wonder if they could be treated similarly; like with a 12-step program. I guess there probably is an overeaters' anonymous, but what about anorexics anonymous? I'll have to look it up if I EVER get any free time. Although I see my eating disorder and my addiction as opposites, they are complexly intertwined.
I have always been weird about food. When I was a kid my parents had to take me to the doctor because I refused to eat anything but spaghetti. I hadn't eaten in days. I thought that if I combined certain types of spices and ate them, I would be able to fly. Especially the extremely potent combination of salt, pepper, and mint leaves from the garden. It tasted friggin' disgusting. In my early teens I dieted to the point of illness and then was "nurtured" back to health by my mother. After that I developed a binge-eating disorder and abused laxatives and compulsively exercised. I went to see a psychiatrist who told me that my problem wasn't food; for example if I did graffiti or arson I probably wouldn't feel the need to feed my emotions. Misconstruing this as advice, I began to make cuts and burns on my legs to deal with stress. Sure enough, my problems with food evaporated. I was still (and probably always will be) an obsessive calorie-counter with rules about how, when and what I could eat, but this was no longer the main focus in my life and my urges to binge disappeared. As I got older however, this method of self-expression seemed more and more childish. Explaining it to boyfriends was mortifying and I felt like an attention-starved brat when someone would ask about my scars. I found that I could just as easily channel my emotions with drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. To me these addictions are totally interchangeable.
Okay. Time for some much-needed sleep.
I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've been doing!! I'm not in school and I'm not working. I really need to make this a priority.
Today I almost had a major lapse:
My sister's been hanging out with her new boyfriend all the time lately, and I've been feeling needy and lonely because I'm stuck at home and all my friends live at the university. So once again she asked me if I wanted to hang out today and then (oops!) made other plans. I pretended like I didn't care, that I had accidentally overbooked myself too. Then my mom came home and told us that there was a cultural event going on tonight (we're really involved in our eastern european ethnic community). I said sorry but I just had way too much to do. My sister said sorry but she was hanging out with her boyfriend. My mom then proceeded to get sulky and say, "You know it really bothers me that you girls don't attend these events. And it's an embarrassment to the family: all the other young people go." Which is not true at all. So I cheerfully said, "well, I can probably put some of that work off until tomorrow."
I don't know why I always do this. Actually I didn't want to go at all, and I was nervous because those kinds of events can be really triggering for me, and my friends in the community are crazy drinkers and would expect me to drink as well. And then my sister got mad at me because she thought I was trying to make her look like the bad daughter and now she felt like she had to go. For some reason I burst into tears and I could not stop crying.
My mom said I didn't have to go (she didn't want me embarrassing her). Then she left and my sister went to go hang out with her stupid boyfriend. Back when I was drinking, an event such as this would have been the perfect excuse to pull out the vodka, put on a movie and zone out. I felt like I deserved it. I knew I couldn't drink, but I figured a couple of sleeping pills would have a similar effect without breaking my sobriety. The biggest problem with this is that I always want to snack on disgusting junk food when I'm loopy and sitting in front of the television. I was even starting to plan a trip to the gas station to get chips and candy bars.
I went to get the pills from my mom's hiding place and the first bottle I grabbed was my sister's adderall. (My sister has abused her medication in the past so now she has to have it administered to her each day.) I think it was an act of God. Adderall has like the complete opposite effects of sleeping pills: I would be active, my metabolism would be temporarily heightened, my appetite would be suppressed. Plus I was mad at my sister so using her drug of choice seemed like the perfect way to get back at her. I crushed up three of them and mixed the powder into my water. That's why I'm still awake at 3:30 a.m. I didn't eat a thing, and I got my exercises done. But I haven't been as productive as I would have liked to be. I did research on bands so that I can get started on making a mix for my friend. I wanted to start looking at my text books for next quarter.
My jaw is clenching. Weird. My pupils are crazy dilated and I can't stop fidgeting. I love stimulants. I'm really careful with the ADD meds, though, because I could see getting super-addicted to them. I usually only take them if I have to stay up all night to work on a paper or study. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep at all tonight. I wonder if it's even worth it to try.
I set my first short-term goal for myself: 145 by Thursday night. That means I have to really get down to business, because I've been slacking off these last couple of days. Today I ate one apple and a plate of fried potatoes with fake sausage. The potatoes were pretty greasy, so I'm going to put myself at 900 calories for the day.
I've been seeing the book Wasted referenced a lot in other pro-ana blogs and I think I'm going to look for it at the bookstore tomorrow if I have time. I have a gift card to Barnes and Noble from X-mas that I still haven't used. I have a couple of books about anorexia that I keep next to my self-help books, nutrition books and cookbooks on the shelf in my room. I wonder if that looks suspicious, or if anyone even notices. Normal people would probably assume that I'm trying to make sure I don't become anorexic, right? Hmm. Note to self: think about this.
Today I almost had a major lapse:
My sister's been hanging out with her new boyfriend all the time lately, and I've been feeling needy and lonely because I'm stuck at home and all my friends live at the university. So once again she asked me if I wanted to hang out today and then (oops!) made other plans. I pretended like I didn't care, that I had accidentally overbooked myself too. Then my mom came home and told us that there was a cultural event going on tonight (we're really involved in our eastern european ethnic community). I said sorry but I just had way too much to do. My sister said sorry but she was hanging out with her boyfriend. My mom then proceeded to get sulky and say, "You know it really bothers me that you girls don't attend these events. And it's an embarrassment to the family: all the other young people go." Which is not true at all. So I cheerfully said, "well, I can probably put some of that work off until tomorrow."
I don't know why I always do this. Actually I didn't want to go at all, and I was nervous because those kinds of events can be really triggering for me, and my friends in the community are crazy drinkers and would expect me to drink as well. And then my sister got mad at me because she thought I was trying to make her look like the bad daughter and now she felt like she had to go. For some reason I burst into tears and I could not stop crying.
My mom said I didn't have to go (she didn't want me embarrassing her). Then she left and my sister went to go hang out with her stupid boyfriend. Back when I was drinking, an event such as this would have been the perfect excuse to pull out the vodka, put on a movie and zone out. I felt like I deserved it. I knew I couldn't drink, but I figured a couple of sleeping pills would have a similar effect without breaking my sobriety. The biggest problem with this is that I always want to snack on disgusting junk food when I'm loopy and sitting in front of the television. I was even starting to plan a trip to the gas station to get chips and candy bars.
I went to get the pills from my mom's hiding place and the first bottle I grabbed was my sister's adderall. (My sister has abused her medication in the past so now she has to have it administered to her each day.) I think it was an act of God. Adderall has like the complete opposite effects of sleeping pills: I would be active, my metabolism would be temporarily heightened, my appetite would be suppressed. Plus I was mad at my sister so using her drug of choice seemed like the perfect way to get back at her. I crushed up three of them and mixed the powder into my water. That's why I'm still awake at 3:30 a.m. I didn't eat a thing, and I got my exercises done. But I haven't been as productive as I would have liked to be. I did research on bands so that I can get started on making a mix for my friend. I wanted to start looking at my text books for next quarter.
My jaw is clenching. Weird. My pupils are crazy dilated and I can't stop fidgeting. I love stimulants. I'm really careful with the ADD meds, though, because I could see getting super-addicted to them. I usually only take them if I have to stay up all night to work on a paper or study. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep at all tonight. I wonder if it's even worth it to try.
I set my first short-term goal for myself: 145 by Thursday night. That means I have to really get down to business, because I've been slacking off these last couple of days. Today I ate one apple and a plate of fried potatoes with fake sausage. The potatoes were pretty greasy, so I'm going to put myself at 900 calories for the day.
I've been seeing the book Wasted referenced a lot in other pro-ana blogs and I think I'm going to look for it at the bookstore tomorrow if I have time. I have a gift card to Barnes and Noble from X-mas that I still haven't used. I have a couple of books about anorexia that I keep next to my self-help books, nutrition books and cookbooks on the shelf in my room. I wonder if that looks suspicious, or if anyone even notices. Normal people would probably assume that I'm trying to make sure I don't become anorexic, right? Hmm. Note to self: think about this.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
It's my effing birthday!!!
I figured I'm probably going to be pretty busy for the rest of the day, so I'd better write now. Still haven't eaten yet today. I'm supposed to meet a friend for coffee (I'm never tempted by pastry so that shouldn't be problematic) and then the BF. I really don't see any glitches ahead.
And I picked out a brightly-colored outfit that my sister says makes me look like a cartoon character (yes! just the look I was going for). I just have to not spend the night at my BF's tonight. Oh also I'm not sure when I'll have time to do my daily hour of cleaning. Maybe I can clean the kitchen while we're cooking.
I figure it's unfair to not report my weight, because for all anyone knows I could already be skinny or be super obese (which is how I feel), so:
SW: 157.8
CW: 151.0
GW1: 135.0
GW2: 125.0
GW3: 118.0
FGW: 111.0
Man, I always thought it would be daunting to look at that in print, but it actually feels good and very thinspiring. My stomach is growling comfortingly. I haven't eaten since 3:00 pm yesterday. But looking at my current weight in print is scary, too. My start weight was the most I've ever weighed in my life. I hadn't stepped on a scale in months. In part I didn't care about my looks because I was drunk and high all the time, but deep down I realized what I was doing to my body and I didn't want to have to see the proof of it on the scale. I bought a fancy new scale when I started this diet. It was sooo expensive, but totally worth it. Before that we had a tiny dial one, and I hated looking at it and thinking, "that could be anywhere between 146 and 149." The place my friend and I are going to for coffee is new for me. I have this irrational fear of going to new places for the first time. But I wouldn't say I hate it; I just hate that first minute when I walk in and look around and wonder where I'm supposed to stand and if anyone can tell I'm scared.
My best birthday by far was my 18th. My twentieth was pretty good too, and my twenty-first. Somehow I managed not to black out on my 21st birthday, something that became increasingly harder as the year went by. Argh I miss drinking. No, NO I DON'T!!!! All those calories and losing self-control - awful!! Who would voluntarily do that to themselves?! (There we go, that's the spirit!)
All right, time to go celebrate the sober way.
I figured I'm probably going to be pretty busy for the rest of the day, so I'd better write now. Still haven't eaten yet today. I'm supposed to meet a friend for coffee (I'm never tempted by pastry so that shouldn't be problematic) and then the BF. I really don't see any glitches ahead.
And I picked out a brightly-colored outfit that my sister says makes me look like a cartoon character (yes! just the look I was going for). I just have to not spend the night at my BF's tonight. Oh also I'm not sure when I'll have time to do my daily hour of cleaning. Maybe I can clean the kitchen while we're cooking.
I figure it's unfair to not report my weight, because for all anyone knows I could already be skinny or be super obese (which is how I feel), so:
SW: 157.8
CW: 151.0
GW1: 135.0
GW2: 125.0
GW3: 118.0
FGW: 111.0
Man, I always thought it would be daunting to look at that in print, but it actually feels good and very thinspiring. My stomach is growling comfortingly. I haven't eaten since 3:00 pm yesterday. But looking at my current weight in print is scary, too. My start weight was the most I've ever weighed in my life. I hadn't stepped on a scale in months. In part I didn't care about my looks because I was drunk and high all the time, but deep down I realized what I was doing to my body and I didn't want to have to see the proof of it on the scale. I bought a fancy new scale when I started this diet. It was sooo expensive, but totally worth it. Before that we had a tiny dial one, and I hated looking at it and thinking, "that could be anywhere between 146 and 149." The place my friend and I are going to for coffee is new for me. I have this irrational fear of going to new places for the first time. But I wouldn't say I hate it; I just hate that first minute when I walk in and look around and wonder where I'm supposed to stand and if anyone can tell I'm scared.
My best birthday by far was my 18th. My twentieth was pretty good too, and my twenty-first. Somehow I managed not to black out on my 21st birthday, something that became increasingly harder as the year went by. Argh I miss drinking. No, NO I DON'T!!!! All those calories and losing self-control - awful!! Who would voluntarily do that to themselves?! (There we go, that's the spirit!)
All right, time to go celebrate the sober way.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I've been so productive today that I'm out of things to do. I consumed approximately 650 calories today (that's a high estimate, because it would just be awful if I was constantly underestimating). I ran two miles this morning. Now that it's after five I won't eat any more today. I've found that a good way to stick to this is to continually remind myself that I can eat first thing in the morning. But generally I don't break those kinds of food rules. The rules I find myself breaking are the other ones, like "smoke only one cigarette per day." And then once I've broken those rules I say "fuck it" and break all of the other rules too.
Last night I felt hungry so I thought I would eat a lot today, but I didn't end up eating until 2:30 today. I hope I can do that again tomorrow. I already feel hungry. But I'm not thinking about food. After I'm done writing on here I think I'll make myself some tea. Drinking hot beverages always helps me feel full. Unless it's coffee on an empty stomach when I'm already highly caffeinated. That just makes me feel sick and then I feel like I have to eat something right away to soak up the caffeine.
A couple of days ago I ate dinner with my mom and then we were going to watch "Motorcycle Diaries" afterward. She told me to go ahead and start without her because she eats slowly. I almost laughed out loud! I know I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again: the way my mother eats is DISGUSTING. She inhales her food at a rate of one bite per second. And she always talks with her mouth full. It's completely nauseating.
Tomorrow is my twenty-second birthday. I'm not sure how I'm going to celebrate yet. I have group in the evening so fortunately that will complicate any chance of dinner plans. I was thinking that my boyfriend and I could cook something in the afternoon (I love cooking). I was looking through my vegetarian cookbooks and I found a couple of interesting recipes. A vegetable stir-fry or stewed eggplant. I just realized that I have no idea how many calories are in eggplant; I'll have to look that up.
I love looking at cook books, which is a habit I picked up in the very beginning of my disordered eating. I took an interest in vegetarianism as a way to lose weight, and have been obsessed with vegetarian/vegan cooking ever since. I practically collect vegetarian cook books. Actually I guess you could technically classify it as a real collection - I own nine of them. And it's been a long time since I bought a new one and I'm really thinking I should get on it. I haven't even made a fraction of the recipes in them, but I just love to look at them and read the sections on vegetarian nutrition and how to pick out good vegetables etc.
I can't seem to get warm today. I've noticed that if it's really cold out during my morning run, I often stay cold for the rest of the day. It's weird because I wasn't cold while I was running (obviously; I was running) but I've been cold ever since. I guess I don't really mind - it keeps me busy because I have to move more in order to stay warm.
Writing this is making me really sleepy all of the sudden. I guess I'll have to have earl grey tea (is it grey or gray?). Maybe I'll smoke my daily cigarette now too. I need all the boost I can get, since I still have another six and a half hours until bedtime.
Last night I felt hungry so I thought I would eat a lot today, but I didn't end up eating until 2:30 today. I hope I can do that again tomorrow. I already feel hungry. But I'm not thinking about food. After I'm done writing on here I think I'll make myself some tea. Drinking hot beverages always helps me feel full. Unless it's coffee on an empty stomach when I'm already highly caffeinated. That just makes me feel sick and then I feel like I have to eat something right away to soak up the caffeine.
A couple of days ago I ate dinner with my mom and then we were going to watch "Motorcycle Diaries" afterward. She told me to go ahead and start without her because she eats slowly. I almost laughed out loud! I know I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again: the way my mother eats is DISGUSTING. She inhales her food at a rate of one bite per second. And she always talks with her mouth full. It's completely nauseating.
Tomorrow is my twenty-second birthday. I'm not sure how I'm going to celebrate yet. I have group in the evening so fortunately that will complicate any chance of dinner plans. I was thinking that my boyfriend and I could cook something in the afternoon (I love cooking). I was looking through my vegetarian cookbooks and I found a couple of interesting recipes. A vegetable stir-fry or stewed eggplant. I just realized that I have no idea how many calories are in eggplant; I'll have to look that up.
I love looking at cook books, which is a habit I picked up in the very beginning of my disordered eating. I took an interest in vegetarianism as a way to lose weight, and have been obsessed with vegetarian/vegan cooking ever since. I practically collect vegetarian cook books. Actually I guess you could technically classify it as a real collection - I own nine of them. And it's been a long time since I bought a new one and I'm really thinking I should get on it. I haven't even made a fraction of the recipes in them, but I just love to look at them and read the sections on vegetarian nutrition and how to pick out good vegetables etc.
I can't seem to get warm today. I've noticed that if it's really cold out during my morning run, I often stay cold for the rest of the day. It's weird because I wasn't cold while I was running (obviously; I was running) but I've been cold ever since. I guess I don't really mind - it keeps me busy because I have to move more in order to stay warm.
Writing this is making me really sleepy all of the sudden. I guess I'll have to have earl grey tea (is it grey or gray?). Maybe I'll smoke my daily cigarette now too. I need all the boost I can get, since I still have another six and a half hours until bedtime.
Monday, March 16, 2009
FUCK
Yesterday was an awful, awful, awful day.
I ate a huge breakfast, and felt myself in addict mode all day. I read others' pro-ana blogs to keep my focus and keep me from eating. At dinner I ate exactly enough to meet my 1500 calorie absolute limit for the day. I felt a snack-attack coming on so I poured myself a tall glass of water and ran upstairs to read some more blogs. And the stupid, stupid internet was down. It stayed down all evening as I gorged myself on cookies, bread, and crackers. I even ate two girl scout cookies that were NOT vegan. I hated myself when I woke up this morning.
But I am back on track. I made twenty more rules for myself and followed them all today. Not all my rules have to do with eating or exercise, but about 80% of them do. They all have to do with being a better person. So now I have forty total:
1. Go running every day
2. Lift weights every day
3. Do 50 crunches every night before bed
4. Do 50 sit-ups every night before bed (to me they're different...don't ask)
5. Do push-ups every day
6. Do squats every day
7. Do three sun-salutations each morning
8. Weigh yourself every night before bed
9. Eat only plant-based foods
10. No fake sweeteners
11. Record all food consumed in journal
12. Don't spend any money on food when alone
13. All meals must be eaten sitting down at a table
14. Take one sip of water between each bite of food consumed
15. Don't eat after 5:00 pm
16. Take a vegetable laxative for each day you don't poop!
17. Brush teeth first thing each morning
18. Brush and floss every night before bed
19. Five-minute shower every evening
20. Moisturize daily
21. Take a daily multivitamin
22. Never skip antidepressants
23. No drugs or alcohol!
24. Smoke only one cigarette each day
25. Only herbal sleep aids (in the proper doses!)
26. Don't leave the house without make-up on (except to exercise)
27. Stop popping your zits!
28. Sleep at least 6 hours per night
29. Don't sleep more than 9 hours per night
30. Sleep in your own bed in your own pajamas
31. Clean for one hour every day
32. Talk to at least one non-family friend each day
33. Journal at least one page daily
34. Blog for at least twenty minutes each day
35. Don't blog until after 8:00 pm (otherwise I'll just spend all day on here!)
36. Make and complete a one page to-do list each day
37. Don't watch any movies you've already seen
38. Check email daily
39. Unplug fuse each time you park your car (yeah my car is a POS)
40. Give at least one creative compliment daily
I've done all of these except I could not complete the to-do list I made for myself today. It was a little too ambitious I think. I've been having drinking dreams almost every night for the last three or four nights. Maybe it's because I'll have thirty days tomorrow. I've heard milestones are hard. Also I've been taking melatonin at night. My sister told me that stuff makes you have weird dreams.
I did pretty well today. Sips of water between bites worked awesome. I ate one meal today, spaghetti. Since I knew that would be my only meal I served myself a huge bowl, but ended up eating only half of it. It was still a lot but I usually clean my plate so it's progress.
I hope the other girlies out there are starving more successfully than me. :)
I ate a huge breakfast, and felt myself in addict mode all day. I read others' pro-ana blogs to keep my focus and keep me from eating. At dinner I ate exactly enough to meet my 1500 calorie absolute limit for the day. I felt a snack-attack coming on so I poured myself a tall glass of water and ran upstairs to read some more blogs. And the stupid, stupid internet was down. It stayed down all evening as I gorged myself on cookies, bread, and crackers. I even ate two girl scout cookies that were NOT vegan. I hated myself when I woke up this morning.
But I am back on track. I made twenty more rules for myself and followed them all today. Not all my rules have to do with eating or exercise, but about 80% of them do. They all have to do with being a better person. So now I have forty total:
1. Go running every day
2. Lift weights every day
3. Do 50 crunches every night before bed
4. Do 50 sit-ups every night before bed (to me they're different...don't ask)
5. Do push-ups every day
6. Do squats every day
7. Do three sun-salutations each morning
8. Weigh yourself every night before bed
9. Eat only plant-based foods
10. No fake sweeteners
11. Record all food consumed in journal
12. Don't spend any money on food when alone
13. All meals must be eaten sitting down at a table
14. Take one sip of water between each bite of food consumed
15. Don't eat after 5:00 pm
16. Take a vegetable laxative for each day you don't poop!
17. Brush teeth first thing each morning
18. Brush and floss every night before bed
19. Five-minute shower every evening
20. Moisturize daily
21. Take a daily multivitamin
22. Never skip antidepressants
23. No drugs or alcohol!
24. Smoke only one cigarette each day
25. Only herbal sleep aids (in the proper doses!)
26. Don't leave the house without make-up on (except to exercise)
27. Stop popping your zits!
28. Sleep at least 6 hours per night
29. Don't sleep more than 9 hours per night
30. Sleep in your own bed in your own pajamas
31. Clean for one hour every day
32. Talk to at least one non-family friend each day
33. Journal at least one page daily
34. Blog for at least twenty minutes each day
35. Don't blog until after 8:00 pm (otherwise I'll just spend all day on here!)
36. Make and complete a one page to-do list each day
37. Don't watch any movies you've already seen
38. Check email daily
39. Unplug fuse each time you park your car (yeah my car is a POS)
40. Give at least one creative compliment daily
I've done all of these except I could not complete the to-do list I made for myself today. It was a little too ambitious I think. I've been having drinking dreams almost every night for the last three or four nights. Maybe it's because I'll have thirty days tomorrow. I've heard milestones are hard. Also I've been taking melatonin at night. My sister told me that stuff makes you have weird dreams.
I did pretty well today. Sips of water between bites worked awesome. I ate one meal today, spaghetti. Since I knew that would be my only meal I served myself a huge bowl, but ended up eating only half of it. It was still a lot but I usually clean my plate so it's progress.
I hope the other girlies out there are starving more successfully than me. :)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I am breaking all of my rules today. When I started this diet I made twenty rules. Rules for acting "as if" and getting my life back on track. Rules for being productive. I have kept all of them every day until today (technically last night). So in order to make up for it, I decided it would be okay to break all my rules one day a week as long as I didn't eat anything. It's almost five and there is no food in my stomach!
My BF wanted to get gyros, which I agreed to yesterday before I made up my mind about the compromise I would have to make if I was going to abandon my rules. So when he called me today I pretended like I had completely forgotten. "Oh no! I just ate a huge breakfast! But I guess I can go and just get fries or something" [something my old fat self would have done]. But when we got there I just ordered a soda (diet coke, since I'm breaking all my rules). When his food came he asked if I had ordered fries, and I said, "no, I'm really not hungry. Maybe I'll have a couple of yours." But I didn't ask and he didn't offer and I escaped with my stomach unadulterated. And when he asked me what I had eaten for breakfast that I was so full, I smoothly answered without hesitation: "An enormous bowl of cereal and TWO pieces of toast with peanutbutter!" (I'd like to thank the academy...)
I got really tempted to binge earlier. My mom was leaving the house to go grocery shopping and I remembered that there were girl scout cookies and cheetos in the downstairs cupboard. I actually started muttering out loud to my self "no no no no no no no I can't I can't no no." It worked for a second and the mood passed, but then I found myself going downstairs anyway. As I was very slowly and shakily walking down the stairs I said (out loud again) "soup, soup I can have soup - that's not food - soup soup." I looked around the kitchen. I put the tea kettle on, thinking something warm might satisfy this evil hunger. I found a carton of vegetable broth in the cupboard and shook it. Some retard had opened it and left it out. I looked at bullion cubes but I really did NOT want to break my veganism. Something told me that if I did it would all be over. And then, vegeta.
This stuff is friggin' amazing. 0 calories and it's incredibly potent. I put a tiny spoonful in a mug and have been adding more hot water to it ever since (that was almost two hours ago!). My cravings are completely gone and I am victorious! Fantastic. I feel bad about not running today, though. Tomorrow I increase to two miles a day. I'm excited for the number on the scale tomorrow evening - my first week of restricting and I've done a fantastic job. I think I might treat myself to some diet dr. pepper. Or maybe another energy drink. Or maybe both!
Now to think of an excuse to avoid dinner.
"I'm right in the middle of something at the moment - I'll grab a bite later."
Or I could suggest a tv dinner so that no one notices how much I eat (or don't eat!)
Or I could go hang out somewhere else for a while and come back after dinner's over.
So many possibilities. :)
My BF wanted to get gyros, which I agreed to yesterday before I made up my mind about the compromise I would have to make if I was going to abandon my rules. So when he called me today I pretended like I had completely forgotten. "Oh no! I just ate a huge breakfast! But I guess I can go and just get fries or something" [something my old fat self would have done]. But when we got there I just ordered a soda (diet coke, since I'm breaking all my rules). When his food came he asked if I had ordered fries, and I said, "no, I'm really not hungry. Maybe I'll have a couple of yours." But I didn't ask and he didn't offer and I escaped with my stomach unadulterated. And when he asked me what I had eaten for breakfast that I was so full, I smoothly answered without hesitation: "An enormous bowl of cereal and TWO pieces of toast with peanutbutter!" (I'd like to thank the academy...)
I got really tempted to binge earlier. My mom was leaving the house to go grocery shopping and I remembered that there were girl scout cookies and cheetos in the downstairs cupboard. I actually started muttering out loud to my self "no no no no no no no I can't I can't no no." It worked for a second and the mood passed, but then I found myself going downstairs anyway. As I was very slowly and shakily walking down the stairs I said (out loud again) "soup, soup I can have soup - that's not food - soup soup." I looked around the kitchen. I put the tea kettle on, thinking something warm might satisfy this evil hunger. I found a carton of vegetable broth in the cupboard and shook it. Some retard had opened it and left it out. I looked at bullion cubes but I really did NOT want to break my veganism. Something told me that if I did it would all be over. And then, vegeta.
This stuff is friggin' amazing. 0 calories and it's incredibly potent. I put a tiny spoonful in a mug and have been adding more hot water to it ever since (that was almost two hours ago!). My cravings are completely gone and I am victorious! Fantastic. I feel bad about not running today, though. Tomorrow I increase to two miles a day. I'm excited for the number on the scale tomorrow evening - my first week of restricting and I've done a fantastic job. I think I might treat myself to some diet dr. pepper. Or maybe another energy drink. Or maybe both!
Now to think of an excuse to avoid dinner.
"I'm right in the middle of something at the moment - I'll grab a bite later."
Or I could suggest a tv dinner so that no one notices how much I eat (or don't eat!)
Or I could go hang out somewhere else for a while and come back after dinner's over.
So many possibilities. :)
Today (technically yesterday) was quite possibly one of the best days of my life to date. I couldn't even tell you why - nothing particularly amazing happened. It was just one of those days where everything went my way. No snags, no disappointments, and no slip-ups. 725 calories (a new new low for me), and I'm down another 1.6 lbs.
I did, however, consume some suspiciously creamy lentils at a banquet I attended, and so I probably broke my veganism. But I only had six bites. The guy sitting next to me commented that I "hardly touched" my food!! I took it as a huge compliment. I am now sitting in my underwear and feeling great about myself. Waiting for a call from the BF, although I'm starting to wonder if he gets off work at 1:00 and not midnight. I really probably shouldn't hang out with him as I made a resolution to start sleeping in my own bed and it's already super late. Plus I don't want to throw off my sleep schedule. But I'm not going to lie; being this happy and feeling this attractive makes me want to have sex. Plus I drank tons of coffee at that banquet and I don't really want to drink theraflu again.
I have two aquatic turtles in my room. They're babies (well, three years old but that's really young for reptiles) and so they're still pretty tiny. But in comparison with one another, one is really fat and the other one really small. Every time I feed them, the fat one pushes the little one out of the way and eats all the food really fast. Sometimes I take him out of the tank so I can make sure the little one gets something to eat. But I don't feed the small guy too much because I don't want him to get fat like the other one. While watching them just now I thought that they could make a good representation of my addict vs. my dieter. The way I feel about them is pretty fitting, too. The fat one seems mean and kind of scares me, and I love the small one a whole lot. But the fatty is a lot stronger and has to be contained in order for the tiny one to survive. What a brilliant analogy - I should have been an english major.
My stomach feels pleasantly empty. :)
I did, however, consume some suspiciously creamy lentils at a banquet I attended, and so I probably broke my veganism. But I only had six bites. The guy sitting next to me commented that I "hardly touched" my food!! I took it as a huge compliment. I am now sitting in my underwear and feeling great about myself. Waiting for a call from the BF, although I'm starting to wonder if he gets off work at 1:00 and not midnight. I really probably shouldn't hang out with him as I made a resolution to start sleeping in my own bed and it's already super late. Plus I don't want to throw off my sleep schedule. But I'm not going to lie; being this happy and feeling this attractive makes me want to have sex. Plus I drank tons of coffee at that banquet and I don't really want to drink theraflu again.
I have two aquatic turtles in my room. They're babies (well, three years old but that's really young for reptiles) and so they're still pretty tiny. But in comparison with one another, one is really fat and the other one really small. Every time I feed them, the fat one pushes the little one out of the way and eats all the food really fast. Sometimes I take him out of the tank so I can make sure the little one gets something to eat. But I don't feed the small guy too much because I don't want him to get fat like the other one. While watching them just now I thought that they could make a good representation of my addict vs. my dieter. The way I feel about them is pretty fitting, too. The fat one seems mean and kind of scares me, and I love the small one a whole lot. But the fatty is a lot stronger and has to be contained in order for the tiny one to survive. What a brilliant analogy - I should have been an english major.
My stomach feels pleasantly empty. :)
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I feel like such a whale. I felt horrible about myself all day. Frumpy, fat, ugly, dirty and other words come to mind. Plus I engaged in a mini-binge this morning. I didn't eat any foods that were not allowed, and I made sure to sit down at the table and pour myself a glass of water with each food that I consumed, but it was unplanned and therefore out of control and really shameful. I barely stayed within my self-imposed limit today. And as I continue to read other girls' chronicled success that limit is seeming more and more disproportionate. 1500 calories would feed an obese person. I can't believe that to me it feels like a diet.
And I ran out of benedryl so I drank theraflu to help me get sleepy instead. That stuff has at least 5 calories AND contains aspartame - and I vowed to stay away from fake sweeteners!!
I feel like my addict and my eating disorder are two incompatible sides of me that are constantly battling for my attention: good vs. evil. Today I was much more addict than dieter. Lately every time I think about alcohol I remind myself of the calories and loss of control that come with it, and that's enough to inhibit any cravings. But today controlled eating was just not on my mind. All I could think about was a chilled bottle of vodka and solitude. By some kind of miracle I am still down another .8 lbs today. Maybe it's just dehydration.
And I ran out of benedryl so I drank theraflu to help me get sleepy instead. That stuff has at least 5 calories AND contains aspartame - and I vowed to stay away from fake sweeteners!!
I feel like my addict and my eating disorder are two incompatible sides of me that are constantly battling for my attention: good vs. evil. Today I was much more addict than dieter. Lately every time I think about alcohol I remind myself of the calories and loss of control that come with it, and that's enough to inhibit any cravings. But today controlled eating was just not on my mind. All I could think about was a chilled bottle of vodka and solitude. By some kind of miracle I am still down another .8 lbs today. Maybe it's just dehydration.
Okay I know this sounds really elitist but I get kind of skeptical when reading pro-ana blogs with poor spelling and grammar. I thought anorexics were supposed to be perfectionists who excel in all areas of life. Especially those in which they are judged or graded. And in my experience it's pretty hard to be a straight-A student who spells tomorrow with an "a". I don't know. Like my sister went away for awhile to reform school, and when she came back she was super skinny and claimed that she had developed anorexia. But she went back to normal within a couple of months. Plus I never thought she could have been anorexic in the first place because she's a slob who fails classes and gets in trouble all the time. Sorry but there's a difference between excessive dieting and disease.
I cleaned the refrigerator this morning. Talk about appetite suppressants. After encountering moldy applesauce and sourcream and unrecognizeable leftovers I am not hungry. I baked some pillsbury peanut butter brownies and now the house smells divine. Unfortunately I won't be able to try them because I'm vegan! ;) But seriously I've come to realize that sweets generally are more pleasant to smell than to eat. They're way too rich and leave you with that guilty, panicked feeling - like you have to get the gym stat.
In case you didn't already know I am a crazy conservationist. I recycle EVERYTHING, I time my showers to five minutes per day with an alarm, I turn off the faucet while lathering my hands, and I hate "stuff." I buy almost all my clothes used, I keep my shoes until there are holes in the bottoms, and I've had the same backpack since I was 13. Minimalism is my mantra. So cleaning out the fridge was also inspirational because I found all these things that are close to expiration (or just past) that I want to incorporate into my diet during the next couple of days. One half-jar of prego tomato sauce, a half-jar of applesauce, a soy yogurt, brocolli and cabbage, and an apple with one bite out of it (WTF!?). I think I became this way very slowly after being intrigued by the anorexic girl in My Sister's Bones, which is kind of disturbing. I know I wasn't always like this but now it's a central part of my identity. Who knew that reading a book could change your life?
I cleaned the refrigerator this morning. Talk about appetite suppressants. After encountering moldy applesauce and sourcream and unrecognizeable leftovers I am not hungry. I baked some pillsbury peanut butter brownies and now the house smells divine. Unfortunately I won't be able to try them because I'm vegan! ;) But seriously I've come to realize that sweets generally are more pleasant to smell than to eat. They're way too rich and leave you with that guilty, panicked feeling - like you have to get the gym stat.
In case you didn't already know I am a crazy conservationist. I recycle EVERYTHING, I time my showers to five minutes per day with an alarm, I turn off the faucet while lathering my hands, and I hate "stuff." I buy almost all my clothes used, I keep my shoes until there are holes in the bottoms, and I've had the same backpack since I was 13. Minimalism is my mantra. So cleaning out the fridge was also inspirational because I found all these things that are close to expiration (or just past) that I want to incorporate into my diet during the next couple of days. One half-jar of prego tomato sauce, a half-jar of applesauce, a soy yogurt, brocolli and cabbage, and an apple with one bite out of it (WTF!?). I think I became this way very slowly after being intrigued by the anorexic girl in My Sister's Bones, which is kind of disturbing. I know I wasn't always like this but now it's a central part of my identity. Who knew that reading a book could change your life?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I didn't find it necessary to eat the apple, so 980 calories was my final total for the day. A low for this week so far. What's weird is that I know there are people who would be disgusted at this kind of indulgence, and there have been times when I would be one of them. But given my recent history I'm feeling pretty proud. Let's just hope that my achievements will give me much bigger accomplishments to be proud of in the near future.
I've been drinking so much water lately. This is an improvement for me - I'm kind of a caffeine freak and tend to prefer something with a little more zing than water. Not that I haven't also been consuming large amounts of (unsweetened!) coffee and tea. Caffeine is supposedly good for your metabolism, which makes sense, since it speeds up everything in your body. But caffeine also makes you pee a lot, leading to dehydration which can cause a false sense of hunger and bloating. Yuck. So staying hydrated is key to looking fabulous.
My mood is up today. I am down another .8 pounds. I like to weigh myself at the very end of the day, rather than the beginning. I feel like it's cheating to wait until after a full night's sleep and a morning pee. I don't know, it's just that gnawing awareness that at some point later that day I might be two pounds heavier. I just can't feel good about my weight knowing that. So I prefer to weigh myself at my heaviest, because if I can feel good about that, then I have permission to feel good about anything.
I've been drinking so much water lately. This is an improvement for me - I'm kind of a caffeine freak and tend to prefer something with a little more zing than water. Not that I haven't also been consuming large amounts of (unsweetened!) coffee and tea. Caffeine is supposedly good for your metabolism, which makes sense, since it speeds up everything in your body. But caffeine also makes you pee a lot, leading to dehydration which can cause a false sense of hunger and bloating. Yuck. So staying hydrated is key to looking fabulous.
My mood is up today. I am down another .8 pounds. I like to weigh myself at the very end of the day, rather than the beginning. I feel like it's cheating to wait until after a full night's sleep and a morning pee. I don't know, it's just that gnawing awareness that at some point later that day I might be two pounds heavier. I just can't feel good about my weight knowing that. So I prefer to weigh myself at my heaviest, because if I can feel good about that, then I have permission to feel good about anything.
Ten minutes before I need to go to group. I'm listening to a mix that my very good guy friend J. gave to me. He's the best, only truly platonic love in my life (besides my family ew gross). Sometimes, especially upon first listening to mix tapes he makes me, I get confused about my feelings for him just because they're so strong. If I had to define it I would say I am platonically "in love" with him. Completely nonsexual, but a very intense appreciation of him on a spiritual level.
Claim Jumper went swimmingly. Got my salad exactly as planned and didn't even try one of my BF's fries. I drank unsweetened iced tea (yum!). I just finished a dinner of broiled tofu, bringing my calorie count for the day to 980. I will allow myself an apple when I get home from group, but only if I'm truly hungry. Oh I can't forget to bring my water bottle. Otherwise I'll be tempted to have some of the caffeine-free diet sodas they have there. They look innocent, but in my experience fake sweeteners seem to increase my appetite and slow my weight loss. I always stay away from them when dieting, and recommend that anyone else who's trying to lose weight do the same. Ever notice how only fat people drink diet coke? And you glare at them and think, "why are you even bothering?"
Claim Jumper went swimmingly. Got my salad exactly as planned and didn't even try one of my BF's fries. I drank unsweetened iced tea (yum!). I just finished a dinner of broiled tofu, bringing my calorie count for the day to 980. I will allow myself an apple when I get home from group, but only if I'm truly hungry. Oh I can't forget to bring my water bottle. Otherwise I'll be tempted to have some of the caffeine-free diet sodas they have there. They look innocent, but in my experience fake sweeteners seem to increase my appetite and slow my weight loss. I always stay away from them when dieting, and recommend that anyone else who's trying to lose weight do the same. Ever notice how only fat people drink diet coke? And you glare at them and think, "why are you even bothering?"
Claim Jumper does not publish nutrition information, but I read a statement that someone had sent out a piece of their cake for analysis and learned that that single piece of cake contained 4500 calories.
I believe it. Have you seen the whales that eat there? So I looked up the Cheesecake Factory's info for a Chinese Chicken Salad. I think it's pretty similar in size and composition to Claim Jumper. And get this, no joke: 960 calories for the entree salad.
Who knew a salad could be sooooo bad for you?? So I've decided to get the half-size with no chicken, dressing on the side and none of the crispy noodle wonton things. By my calculations that will be approximately 460 calories. And lots of water to drink.
This morning I watched my mom eat breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen and made me never want to eat again. I'll have to remember that next time I get a craving. She inhales her food and chews with her mouth open. And she's always doing something else like talking or reading or watching television when she eats. You can actually hear the deep breaths she takes between the huge bites she stuffs into her mouth. And she was wiping her plate with the toast - I shudder just at the thought of it.
It's weirdly liberating to post on this blog. These are things that I've always kept in my head, too scared to put them on paper for the fear of someone stumbling across them. Searching for pro-ana websites and literature is such taboo, even though I bet most women have done it at least once. After years of erasing my internet history and trying to memorize tips and tricks so I wouldn't have to write them down, I feel truly free to express what is actually on my mind.
It's been ridiculously cold out for the last couple of days so my morning runs have been invigorating but uncomfortably strenuous. I hope its just the cold that makes it seem so difficult, but more likely its my disgusting fat ass. Oh I'm on my stupid period, too. I miss the days when I was too slender and stressed out to get my period. I went for eight months once without it. But now that I'm actually sexually active that would probably just scare the crap out of me.
Yesterday I went to four different bathrooms and lost seventy-five cents in different dispensers trying to find a tampon, until finally a girl who was in the bathroom at the same time as me offered me one. I remember I was once in a public restroom and in dire need when the dispenser (as I've come to expect) was broken. This crazy hippie who was also in there told me to stand back and she karate kicked the machine. It fell off the wall and pads and tampons spilled all over the floor. She stepped back and said, "If men had periods, these would never be broken."
I believe it. Have you seen the whales that eat there? So I looked up the Cheesecake Factory's info for a Chinese Chicken Salad. I think it's pretty similar in size and composition to Claim Jumper. And get this, no joke: 960 calories for the entree salad.
Who knew a salad could be sooooo bad for you?? So I've decided to get the half-size with no chicken, dressing on the side and none of the crispy noodle wonton things. By my calculations that will be approximately 460 calories. And lots of water to drink.
This morning I watched my mom eat breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen and made me never want to eat again. I'll have to remember that next time I get a craving. She inhales her food and chews with her mouth open. And she's always doing something else like talking or reading or watching television when she eats. You can actually hear the deep breaths she takes between the huge bites she stuffs into her mouth. And she was wiping her plate with the toast - I shudder just at the thought of it.
It's weirdly liberating to post on this blog. These are things that I've always kept in my head, too scared to put them on paper for the fear of someone stumbling across them. Searching for pro-ana websites and literature is such taboo, even though I bet most women have done it at least once. After years of erasing my internet history and trying to memorize tips and tricks so I wouldn't have to write them down, I feel truly free to express what is actually on my mind.
It's been ridiculously cold out for the last couple of days so my morning runs have been invigorating but uncomfortably strenuous. I hope its just the cold that makes it seem so difficult, but more likely its my disgusting fat ass. Oh I'm on my stupid period, too. I miss the days when I was too slender and stressed out to get my period. I went for eight months once without it. But now that I'm actually sexually active that would probably just scare the crap out of me.
Yesterday I went to four different bathrooms and lost seventy-five cents in different dispensers trying to find a tampon, until finally a girl who was in the bathroom at the same time as me offered me one. I remember I was once in a public restroom and in dire need when the dispenser (as I've come to expect) was broken. This crazy hippie who was also in there told me to stand back and she karate kicked the machine. It fell off the wall and pads and tampons spilled all over the floor. She stepped back and said, "If men had periods, these would never be broken."
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Returned to place. I have had a long but very productive day. I got a lot of things done that needed doing and that I had been putting off for a long time because I really didn't want to do them. But now that they're done it's a HUGE weight (unfortunately figurative) off my chest.
Waiting for the benedryl to kick in. In my recovery I have become dependent on benedryl for sleep. Trying to kick the habit but I had an afternoon coffee today and didn't take my wellbutrin until like an hour ago. That stuff gives me crazy insomnia.
I consumed 1400 calories today. Within my current 1500 limit but it still felt like a lot. I guess technically it is. And it wasn't contained, sitting-down and concentrating eating, so it didn't feel controlled, either. Tomorrow I am having lunch with the BF at Claim Jumper - the restaurant that specifically caters to lard-asses.
Situations like these are where my restrictive diet comes in handy. I basically can't have anything on the menu. Salad but hold the creamy dressing and I can't eat the bread that comes with it, which is probably made with milk and always comes slathered in butter anyway. But unfortunately these places know how to make even the most innocent of salads lethal in terms of calorie-content. I'm sure there will be like two cups of dressing and greasy croutons. I'm going to see if there's nutrition info available online.
Veganism is an excellent cover for restrictive eating. It is ridiculously easy to make a vegan lifestyle choice seem unrelated to weight, because you can defend it with religion, animal rights, environmentalism, conservation (my preferred justification), etc. Just take a look at the PETA site. no one can try to force you to eat cheese if you confront them with, "do you have any idea what they do to dairy cows once they've passed their prime production age?" Plus it automatically cust out eggs, dairy and meat, which are usually centerpieces of high-calorie entrees. But if you've been caught restricting before, going vegan will look very suspicious, so be careful. I would recommend, though not from any previous experience, starting a very visible and relatively slow progression into becoming an animal rights advocate. Make your friends and family watch a PETA video, loudly proclaim how unsexy it is to wear dead animals, etc. Then the vegan thing will seem like a natural part of this process, and its connection to weight loss purely coincidental.
Waiting for the benedryl to kick in. In my recovery I have become dependent on benedryl for sleep. Trying to kick the habit but I had an afternoon coffee today and didn't take my wellbutrin until like an hour ago. That stuff gives me crazy insomnia.
I consumed 1400 calories today. Within my current 1500 limit but it still felt like a lot. I guess technically it is. And it wasn't contained, sitting-down and concentrating eating, so it didn't feel controlled, either. Tomorrow I am having lunch with the BF at Claim Jumper - the restaurant that specifically caters to lard-asses.
Situations like these are where my restrictive diet comes in handy. I basically can't have anything on the menu. Salad but hold the creamy dressing and I can't eat the bread that comes with it, which is probably made with milk and always comes slathered in butter anyway. But unfortunately these places know how to make even the most innocent of salads lethal in terms of calorie-content. I'm sure there will be like two cups of dressing and greasy croutons. I'm going to see if there's nutrition info available online.
Veganism is an excellent cover for restrictive eating. It is ridiculously easy to make a vegan lifestyle choice seem unrelated to weight, because you can defend it with religion, animal rights, environmentalism, conservation (my preferred justification), etc. Just take a look at the PETA site. no one can try to force you to eat cheese if you confront them with, "do you have any idea what they do to dairy cows once they've passed their prime production age?" Plus it automatically cust out eggs, dairy and meat, which are usually centerpieces of high-calorie entrees. But if you've been caught restricting before, going vegan will look very suspicious, so be careful. I would recommend, though not from any previous experience, starting a very visible and relatively slow progression into becoming an animal rights advocate. Make your friends and family watch a PETA video, loudly proclaim how unsexy it is to wear dead animals, etc. Then the vegan thing will seem like a natural part of this process, and its connection to weight loss purely coincidental.
Pro-Ana?
After hungrily reading another blogger's pro-ana blog, plus years of trying to find as much anorexia literature as possible, I have decided to write and publish some of my own. I know there are others like me (perhaps too many others) who "hunger" for this stuff, and why not oblige?
Sorry to say that I am nowhere near anorexic. I have a history of disordered eating and excessive dieting/weightloss, but I believe the title "anorexic" requires a certain amount of control and perfection that are out of my reach. Even at my low weight (YEARS AGO) of 115, the possibility that I was anorexic would never have crossed my mind. I would kill to have as much control as those girls, to be able to starve myself to a point of danger. I am twenty-one years old, 5'8" (closer to 5'9", but not quite there), a soon-to-be unemployed university graduate and a recovering addict. Much too embarrassed and ashamed to publish my current weight, but happy to say that it is falling and will continue to do so.
Sobriety has brought me back enought into the real world to see the havoc I have wreaked upon my body in the deepest throws of my addiction. I want my perfect life back.
I am a compulsive perfectionist, and somehow managed to keep my job and a 3.8 GPA while guzzling a fifth of vodka and tons of sleeping pills daily. But I could not maintain my body (no small wonder, alcohol has a whopping seven calories per gram) and so here I am, fifteen pounds heavier and wildly depressed, but sober, finally. And ready to beat myself back into shape.
This week I am back on a strict vegan diet (for the first time in months), taking my antidepressants as directed (wellbutrin is the best for curbing cravings also), running one mile daily (I've never been much of an exerciser but I'm working on it), and lifting weights and doing crunches. I am making a solemn vow to commit at least twenty minutes to this blog each day, devoted solely to recording my progress in coming a little closer each day to perfection.
Perfect body = perfect life.
Sorry to say that I am nowhere near anorexic. I have a history of disordered eating and excessive dieting/weightloss, but I believe the title "anorexic" requires a certain amount of control and perfection that are out of my reach. Even at my low weight (YEARS AGO) of 115, the possibility that I was anorexic would never have crossed my mind. I would kill to have as much control as those girls, to be able to starve myself to a point of danger. I am twenty-one years old, 5'8" (closer to 5'9", but not quite there), a soon-to-be unemployed university graduate and a recovering addict. Much too embarrassed and ashamed to publish my current weight, but happy to say that it is falling and will continue to do so.
Sobriety has brought me back enought into the real world to see the havoc I have wreaked upon my body in the deepest throws of my addiction. I want my perfect life back.
I am a compulsive perfectionist, and somehow managed to keep my job and a 3.8 GPA while guzzling a fifth of vodka and tons of sleeping pills daily. But I could not maintain my body (no small wonder, alcohol has a whopping seven calories per gram) and so here I am, fifteen pounds heavier and wildly depressed, but sober, finally. And ready to beat myself back into shape.
This week I am back on a strict vegan diet (for the first time in months), taking my antidepressants as directed (wellbutrin is the best for curbing cravings also), running one mile daily (I've never been much of an exerciser but I'm working on it), and lifting weights and doing crunches. I am making a solemn vow to commit at least twenty minutes to this blog each day, devoted solely to recording my progress in coming a little closer each day to perfection.
Perfect body = perfect life.
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