I'm back to exactly where I was one week ago. What a setback! But I suppose it could be worse. Much, much worse.
Tomorrow's going to be tricky because I'm supposed to go out for dinner with my boyfriend and his sister. Then we're going to a concert (the thermals, yay!). I MUST NOT spend the night at the BF's house. He has this irritating habit of taking me for granted, which makes me feel awful, and is also infuriating. For example, the concert is tomorrow, right? So I would expect him to call me today to finalize plans etc. AND I left him a message two days ago asking if he wanted to do something beforehand and he did not call me back. Ever. And I know that what'll end up happening is I'll call him like a half-hour before we're supposed to be at wherever we're going and he'll be like, "why didn't you call me earlier?" What a stupid-head. And I'm not refusing to spend the night over there to punish him. I have a list of pretty good reasons:
1. I always stay up too late and then it throws off my sleep schedule;
2. I am allergic to down and his bedding makes me wake up feeling like I got hit by a train;
3. His room smells funny and doesn't have any natural sources of light;
4. There are tons of empty beer and liquor bottles at his house, both inside and outside his room, and as a recovering addict I find that stuff to be triggering;
5. If he wanted to spend time with me, he should have asked me earlier.
Wow. Those are actually really good reasons. Wow. Ha I am re-reading the hitchhiker's guide. Although I've made a vow to put it aside until I get caught up on all of my schoolwork.
Alright, today's intake:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup uncooked oatmeal with 1/2 cup vanilla soy milk + 2 chopped pieces of dried, sweetened mango
Lunch: one red delicious apple, one slice of sourdough bread
Dinner: avocado and tomato salad (one avocado, 10 grape tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper)
No more than 900 calories. I hope. I'm pretty sure.
Oh no writing that stuff about my boyfriend made me get really worked up. I'm totally fuming. This isn't good; I don't want him to think that his behavior bothers me - I only want him to think that it's ineffective for getting what he wants (which, presumably, is time with me). And I want to have fun at the concert tomorrow. To do: work on this.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
150.6 (Thank God)
I was so scared that all of those many pounds would take days to go away again, but I'm happy to see that a lot of it was probably just water weight. I drank a whole bunch of energy drinks. I still have two lbs to go, though, just to get back to where I was. Ugh I hate setbacks.
Today was an ultra-good day. I even thought about my protein intake, which honestly I hardly ever do. I mean, I'm conscious of it but I don't go out of my way to make sure I include protein in my meals, which, as a vegan, is something I should probably be doing.
Breakfast: 1/2 cup uncooked oatmeal + 1/2 cup vanilla soy milk + 1/2 cup diced papaya + 1/4 cup dried cherries
Lunch: balance bar (some sort of chocolate flavor)
Dinner: two 1/2" slices of sourdough bread
I forgot to look at the balance bar but I counted 980 calories at most (allowing 320 for the balance bar which is probably/hopefully high)
I ran three miles this morning, and I am definitely going to do it again tomorrow morning. It felt great and there was this adorable older man at the park going the opposite direction as me. I ran around 5 times so I probably said hi to him like 15 times. I didn't even have to run by the high school, although I think I might try it tomorrow; running in circles is kind of monotonous.
Good Night!!!
Today was an ultra-good day. I even thought about my protein intake, which honestly I hardly ever do. I mean, I'm conscious of it but I don't go out of my way to make sure I include protein in my meals, which, as a vegan, is something I should probably be doing.
Breakfast: 1/2 cup uncooked oatmeal + 1/2 cup vanilla soy milk + 1/2 cup diced papaya + 1/4 cup dried cherries
Lunch: balance bar (some sort of chocolate flavor)
Dinner: two 1/2" slices of sourdough bread
I forgot to look at the balance bar but I counted 980 calories at most (allowing 320 for the balance bar which is probably/hopefully high)
I ran three miles this morning, and I am definitely going to do it again tomorrow morning. It felt great and there was this adorable older man at the park going the opposite direction as me. I ran around 5 times so I probably said hi to him like 15 times. I didn't even have to run by the high school, although I think I might try it tomorrow; running in circles is kind of monotonous.
Good Night!!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
154.4
If this were an on-stage monologue I would be screaming "FUUUUCCKK!"
A girl I used to babysit overdosed on sunday night and I've been laying in bed crying and eating ever since. Occasionally I would look down at the remains of whatever disgusting fattening food I had just consumed and then run to the bathroom to throw up, but clearly those moments of sanity were few and far between. I slowly started to get back on track today. I actually went to school, although I skipped one of my classes. I didn't eat any non-vegan food and I didn't eat after 5 pm. I absolutely MUST go running tomorrow morning. I'm kind of nervous because I run right by the high school and it will probably be right around the time school starts, but what the heck am I nervous about? They're in high school! I'm supposed to be a grown-up now. Ha.
I am overcaffeinated and feeling disappointed in myself. I think I might be bipolar. But I am also a hypochondriac so that might be most of the problem. It's just that my antidepressants aren't working the way they should be. I don't feel blah depressed, like I did when I first went on them, but now my highs are really high and my lows are really low. I kind of like it, because I fully appreciate the full range of human emotion, but it's not cool when I miss three days of school because I'm laying in bed crying. I'd like to be able to feel that sad and still be capable of getting out of bed and doing what needs to be done. There is just no happy medium.
A girl I used to babysit overdosed on sunday night and I've been laying in bed crying and eating ever since. Occasionally I would look down at the remains of whatever disgusting fattening food I had just consumed and then run to the bathroom to throw up, but clearly those moments of sanity were few and far between. I slowly started to get back on track today. I actually went to school, although I skipped one of my classes. I didn't eat any non-vegan food and I didn't eat after 5 pm. I absolutely MUST go running tomorrow morning. I'm kind of nervous because I run right by the high school and it will probably be right around the time school starts, but what the heck am I nervous about? They're in high school! I'm supposed to be a grown-up now. Ha.
I am overcaffeinated and feeling disappointed in myself. I think I might be bipolar. But I am also a hypochondriac so that might be most of the problem. It's just that my antidepressants aren't working the way they should be. I don't feel blah depressed, like I did when I first went on them, but now my highs are really high and my lows are really low. I kind of like it, because I fully appreciate the full range of human emotion, but it's not cool when I miss three days of school because I'm laying in bed crying. I'd like to be able to feel that sad and still be capable of getting out of bed and doing what needs to be done. There is just no happy medium.
Friday, April 3, 2009
149.4
Foodwise, today was a pretty weird day. Luckily it wasn't raining out this morning (although it was ridiculously cold) so I got to go running. The elliptical trainer at my house broke yesterday and I don't have a gym membership so for now, running is my only option.
I ran some errands this morning (no class on Fridays, yay!) and made a very simple cabbage soup when I got home (onion, garlic, cabbage, and lots of salt and pepper). Then I ran some more errands and got home around 4:00, at which point I was pretty famished. I ate an avocado salad, (one avocado plus 10 cherry tomatoes plus balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper), and one piece of bread (par-baked which I heated slightly). Although I was no longer hungry I recognized an insatiable thirst for EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I thought maybe if I just had another piece of bread it would go away. So put one in the oven and then changed my mind, turned off the oven and went upstairs. But the feeling would not go away. I realized that if I didn't eat something now, I would break my no-eating-after-5:00 rule, which would lead to a binge. I always binge if I break my eating rules. So I went to the kitchen and looked around. Stuck the bread back in the oven and pulled out some lemon sandwich cookies. "I'll have two of these and my bread, finish before 5:00 and be done for the night." But as I took the two cookies to my seat at the table, I sadly thought of what this late-in-the-day carb-eating would do so my nightly weigh-in. Then, right after my first bite, my dad walked in and told me he was going to get the car serviced. I would have the whole house to myself! I immediately decided to purge the disgusting meal I was about to consume. And since I was going to throw it all up anyway, I figured I could add six more cookies to my meal.
Purging went well, I think. In Wasted, Marya Hornbacher said something about eating colorful foods first as a marker for when you're finished. I don't know if it was because of the water I drank or what, but my meal came up in the exact SAME order it went down. Avocados, then bread, then cookies. Vomit that smells like avocado is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered. Afterward, my heart was beating really fast but I felt calm: not happy, but not freaking out. I experienced a slight twinge of nervousness: what if it's all still in there and I really just puked up thick colored water??? But I'm feeling good now and my stomach is growling reassuringly.
Today's intake:
Breakfast: 1 (full calorie) vitamin water
Lunch: 2 large bowls of cabbage soup (stole it from another girl's blog: 1/4 tsp olive oil, onion, garlic, cabbage, celery, soy sauce and salt/pepper. I added chili powder)
Dinner (purged): avocado salad (1 avocado, 10 cherry tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper), 2/3 loaf of par-baked bread (baguette), 8 lemon sandwich cookies
"Snack": 1 low-cal vitamin water
So I guess I consumed somewhere in between 400 and 1820 calories. I am pretty sure it's somewhere on the low side. Maybe 600 total? 800?
I ran some errands this morning (no class on Fridays, yay!) and made a very simple cabbage soup when I got home (onion, garlic, cabbage, and lots of salt and pepper). Then I ran some more errands and got home around 4:00, at which point I was pretty famished. I ate an avocado salad, (one avocado plus 10 cherry tomatoes plus balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper), and one piece of bread (par-baked which I heated slightly). Although I was no longer hungry I recognized an insatiable thirst for EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I thought maybe if I just had another piece of bread it would go away. So put one in the oven and then changed my mind, turned off the oven and went upstairs. But the feeling would not go away. I realized that if I didn't eat something now, I would break my no-eating-after-5:00 rule, which would lead to a binge. I always binge if I break my eating rules. So I went to the kitchen and looked around. Stuck the bread back in the oven and pulled out some lemon sandwich cookies. "I'll have two of these and my bread, finish before 5:00 and be done for the night." But as I took the two cookies to my seat at the table, I sadly thought of what this late-in-the-day carb-eating would do so my nightly weigh-in. Then, right after my first bite, my dad walked in and told me he was going to get the car serviced. I would have the whole house to myself! I immediately decided to purge the disgusting meal I was about to consume. And since I was going to throw it all up anyway, I figured I could add six more cookies to my meal.
Purging went well, I think. In Wasted, Marya Hornbacher said something about eating colorful foods first as a marker for when you're finished. I don't know if it was because of the water I drank or what, but my meal came up in the exact SAME order it went down. Avocados, then bread, then cookies. Vomit that smells like avocado is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered. Afterward, my heart was beating really fast but I felt calm: not happy, but not freaking out. I experienced a slight twinge of nervousness: what if it's all still in there and I really just puked up thick colored water??? But I'm feeling good now and my stomach is growling reassuringly.
Today's intake:
Breakfast: 1 (full calorie) vitamin water
Lunch: 2 large bowls of cabbage soup (stole it from another girl's blog: 1/4 tsp olive oil, onion, garlic, cabbage, celery, soy sauce and salt/pepper. I added chili powder)
Dinner (purged): avocado salad (1 avocado, 10 cherry tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and salt/pepper), 2/3 loaf of par-baked bread (baguette), 8 lemon sandwich cookies
"Snack": 1 low-cal vitamin water
So I guess I consumed somewhere in between 400 and 1820 calories. I am pretty sure it's somewhere on the low side. Maybe 600 total? 800?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
148.8
First time below 150 since I started dieting almost a month ago (one month on Sunday). So I am on a pink cloud. :) It's kind of ridiculous, though. I feel great when I think about the difference from my start weight (minus nine pounds, exactly), but when I just look at the number I feel wretched. It's SOOO much! Oh well. Not for long. That's what I just have to keep telling myself. I had wanted to get down to 145 by tomorrow night but I totally binged on mac and cheese last sunday. I am positive that that is the root of my failure. But I'm in a good routine now. I'm kind of freaking out since it's Friday tomorrow and The Routine that I've established this week may be in jeopardy. But I know I'll prevail. The BF knows about my obsession with routine, so he probably won't be surprised if I just go, "sorry can't spend the night, I've got this new routine that I don't want to break, have to go to sleep by midnight!" I'm also a little nervous because he smokes a lot, and I'm down to one a day (in theory). And for some reason, whenever I see him I REALLY want an energy drink. I'll just have to live with vitamin water. As long as I'm sipping something I have nothing to complain about.
Today's intake:
Breakfast (at noon): 2 boca patties, fried in pam with garlic salt, LARGE salad (remaining half of the prepared bag from yesterday, plus onion and celery, and a handful of bean sprouts) with 1/4 cup of italian dressing
Lunch: 1/3 bottle of vitamin water (full calorie), large banana
Dinner: one large fuji apple, two sticks of orbit gum
No more than 860 calories. Almost certainly less: I didn't finish my banana and ate only half of my apple.
Sipping water between each bite of food is so effective. A lot of times when I eat, after the first few bites I am suddenly ravenous. But with the water I get full so fast. And at first I thought it was cumbersome and too much of a hassle to keep up for long, but now I do it automatically without even really thinking about it! I am in such a good mood.
Today's intake:
Breakfast (at noon): 2 boca patties, fried in pam with garlic salt, LARGE salad (remaining half of the prepared bag from yesterday, plus onion and celery, and a handful of bean sprouts) with 1/4 cup of italian dressing
Lunch: 1/3 bottle of vitamin water (full calorie), large banana
Dinner: one large fuji apple, two sticks of orbit gum
No more than 860 calories. Almost certainly less: I didn't finish my banana and ate only half of my apple.
Sipping water between each bite of food is so effective. A lot of times when I eat, after the first few bites I am suddenly ravenous. But with the water I get full so fast. And at first I thought it was cumbersome and too much of a hassle to keep up for long, but now I do it automatically without even really thinking about it! I am in such a good mood.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Once again I don't have that much news. I had to leave class early today because I was coughing so much. It was incredibly embarassing. So I didn't even bother going to my next class; so much for my perfect attendance this quarter. I am feeling frustrated at the moment with this stupid flu for not letting me live life on my terms.
I did do 40 minutes on the elliptical this morning, though. I've decided to make my BF a pie for his upcoming birthday. I'm wondering, though, if it's a little too much. I'm already getting him a couple of other (pretty expensive!) things. Although we've been together for almost two years, I am a natural game player and am constantly thinking on competitive terms. I don't want him to think that I love him more than he loves me!! I know, it's ridiculous. But obviously, something's working. I'm still very happy with our relationship (most of the time).
Okay, intake for the day:
Breakfast: 1/4 loaf of italian bread (ugh I was only going to have one slice and then it turned into two)
Lunch: 2 boca patties, fried in pam and seasoned with garlic salt, very large salad (half a bag of one of those pre-made, American style) plus one stalk of celery plus thinly sliced onion with 1/4 cup of tahini dressing
Dinner: one large fuji apple
I calculated no more than 1000 calories.
Even though I didn't do anything today I am really looking forward to sleep. I've been taking melatonin lately an hour before bedtime, which makes me fall asleep instantly when I lay down. That's a really nice change for me: under normal circumstances it takes me about thirty minutes to fall asleep after I go to bed. And it makes me have these crazy dreams so that every night is an adventure. But I can never seem to remember them for more than a few minutes after I wake up, even when I remind myself. Maybe I should start writing them down, but the last thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning is pick up a pencil.
I still haven't researched how apple cider vinegar works. But I actually really like the taste so I think I might continue to drink it even if I never find out.
Haven't had coffee in three days. Not really by choice; I've just been too lazy to brew it in the mornings, so I've been drinking tons of earl grey tea instead. I guess it's a pleasant change. I might make coffee tomorrow morning, though. Lots to do!!
I did do 40 minutes on the elliptical this morning, though. I've decided to make my BF a pie for his upcoming birthday. I'm wondering, though, if it's a little too much. I'm already getting him a couple of other (pretty expensive!) things. Although we've been together for almost two years, I am a natural game player and am constantly thinking on competitive terms. I don't want him to think that I love him more than he loves me!! I know, it's ridiculous. But obviously, something's working. I'm still very happy with our relationship (most of the time).
Okay, intake for the day:
Breakfast: 1/4 loaf of italian bread (ugh I was only going to have one slice and then it turned into two)
Lunch: 2 boca patties, fried in pam and seasoned with garlic salt, very large salad (half a bag of one of those pre-made, American style) plus one stalk of celery plus thinly sliced onion with 1/4 cup of tahini dressing
Dinner: one large fuji apple
I calculated no more than 1000 calories.
Even though I didn't do anything today I am really looking forward to sleep. I've been taking melatonin lately an hour before bedtime, which makes me fall asleep instantly when I lay down. That's a really nice change for me: under normal circumstances it takes me about thirty minutes to fall asleep after I go to bed. And it makes me have these crazy dreams so that every night is an adventure. But I can never seem to remember them for more than a few minutes after I wake up, even when I remind myself. Maybe I should start writing them down, but the last thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning is pick up a pencil.
I still haven't researched how apple cider vinegar works. But I actually really like the taste so I think I might continue to drink it even if I never find out.
Haven't had coffee in three days. Not really by choice; I've just been too lazy to brew it in the mornings, so I've been drinking tons of earl grey tea instead. I guess it's a pleasant change. I might make coffee tomorrow morning, though. Lots to do!!
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