I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've been doing!! I'm not in school and I'm not working. I really need to make this a priority.

Today I almost had a major lapse:

My sister's been hanging out with her new boyfriend all the time lately, and I've been feeling needy and lonely because I'm stuck at home and all my friends live at the university. So once again she asked me if I wanted to hang out today and then (oops!) made other plans. I pretended like I didn't care, that I had accidentally overbooked myself too. Then my mom came home and told us that there was a cultural event going on tonight (we're really involved in our eastern european ethnic community). I said sorry but I just had way too much to do. My sister said sorry but she was hanging out with her boyfriend. My mom then proceeded to get sulky and say, "You know it really bothers me that you girls don't attend these events. And it's an embarrassment to the family: all the other young people go." Which is not true at all. So I cheerfully said, "well, I can probably put some of that work off until tomorrow."
I don't know why I always do this. Actually I didn't want to go at all, and I was nervous because those kinds of events can be really triggering for me, and my friends in the community are crazy drinkers and would expect me to drink as well. And then my sister got mad at me because she thought I was trying to make her look like the bad daughter and now she felt like she had to go. For some reason I burst into tears and I could not stop crying.
My mom said I didn't have to go (she didn't want me embarrassing her). Then she left and my sister went to go hang out with her stupid boyfriend. Back when I was drinking, an event such as this would have been the perfect excuse to pull out the vodka, put on a movie and zone out. I felt like I deserved it. I knew I couldn't drink, but I figured a couple of sleeping pills would have a similar effect without breaking my sobriety. The biggest problem with this is that I always want to snack on disgusting junk food when I'm loopy and sitting in front of the television. I was even starting to plan a trip to the gas station to get chips and candy bars.
I went to get the pills from my mom's hiding place and the first bottle I grabbed was my sister's adderall. (My sister has abused her medication in the past so now she has to have it administered to her each day.) I think it was an act of God. Adderall has like the complete opposite effects of sleeping pills: I would be active, my metabolism would be temporarily heightened, my appetite would be suppressed. Plus I was mad at my sister so using her drug of choice seemed like the perfect way to get back at her. I crushed up three of them and mixed the powder into my water. That's why I'm still awake at 3:30 a.m. I didn't eat a thing, and I got my exercises done. But I haven't been as productive as I would have liked to be. I did research on bands so that I can get started on making a mix for my friend. I wanted to start looking at my text books for next quarter.

My jaw is clenching. Weird. My pupils are crazy dilated and I can't stop fidgeting. I love stimulants. I'm really careful with the ADD meds, though, because I could see getting super-addicted to them. I usually only take them if I have to stay up all night to work on a paper or study. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep at all tonight. I wonder if it's even worth it to try.

I set my first short-term goal for myself: 145 by Thursday night. That means I have to really get down to business, because I've been slacking off these last couple of days. Today I ate one apple and a plate of fried potatoes with fake sausage. The potatoes were pretty greasy, so I'm going to put myself at 900 calories for the day.

I've been seeing the book Wasted referenced a lot in other pro-ana blogs and I think I'm going to look for it at the bookstore tomorrow if I have time. I have a gift card to Barnes and Noble from X-mas that I still haven't used. I have a couple of books about anorexia that I keep next to my self-help books, nutrition books and cookbooks on the shelf in my room. I wonder if that looks suspicious, or if anyone even notices. Normal people would probably assume that I'm trying to make sure I don't become anorexic, right? Hmm. Note to self: think about this.