FUCK

Yesterday was an awful, awful, awful day.

I ate a huge breakfast, and felt myself in addict mode all day. I read others' pro-ana blogs to keep my focus and keep me from eating. At dinner I ate exactly enough to meet my 1500 calorie absolute limit for the day. I felt a snack-attack coming on so I poured myself a tall glass of water and ran upstairs to read some more blogs. And the stupid, stupid internet was down. It stayed down all evening as I gorged myself on cookies, bread, and crackers. I even ate two girl scout cookies that were NOT vegan. I hated myself when I woke up this morning.

But I am back on track. I made twenty more rules for myself and followed them all today. Not all my rules have to do with eating or exercise, but about 80% of them do. They all have to do with being a better person. So now I have forty total:

1. Go running every day
2. Lift weights every day
3. Do 50 crunches every night before bed
4. Do 50 sit-ups every night before bed (to me they're different...don't ask)
5. Do push-ups every day
6. Do squats every day
7. Do three sun-salutations each morning
8. Weigh yourself every night before bed
9. Eat only plant-based foods
10. No fake sweeteners
11. Record all food consumed in journal
12. Don't spend any money on food when alone
13. All meals must be eaten sitting down at a table
14. Take one sip of water between each bite of food consumed
15. Don't eat after 5:00 pm
16. Take a vegetable laxative for each day you don't poop!
17. Brush teeth first thing each morning
18. Brush and floss every night before bed
19. Five-minute shower every evening
20. Moisturize daily
21. Take a daily multivitamin
22. Never skip antidepressants
23. No drugs or alcohol!
24. Smoke only one cigarette each day
25. Only herbal sleep aids (in the proper doses!)
26. Don't leave the house without make-up on (except to exercise)
27. Stop popping your zits!
28. Sleep at least 6 hours per night
29. Don't sleep more than 9 hours per night
30. Sleep in your own bed in your own pajamas
31. Clean for one hour every day
32. Talk to at least one non-family friend each day
33. Journal at least one page daily
34. Blog for at least twenty minutes each day
35. Don't blog until after 8:00 pm (otherwise I'll just spend all day on here!)
36. Make and complete a one page to-do list each day
37. Don't watch any movies you've already seen
38. Check email daily
39. Unplug fuse each time you park your car (yeah my car is a POS)
40. Give at least one creative compliment daily

I've done all of these except I could not complete the to-do list I made for myself today. It was a little too ambitious I think. I've been having drinking dreams almost every night for the last three or four nights. Maybe it's because I'll have thirty days tomorrow. I've heard milestones are hard. Also I've been taking melatonin at night. My sister told me that stuff makes you have weird dreams.

I did pretty well today. Sips of water between bites worked awesome. I ate one meal today, spaghetti. Since I knew that would be my only meal I served myself a huge bowl, but ended up eating only half of it. It was still a lot but I usually clean my plate so it's progress.
I hope the other girlies out there are starving more successfully than me. :)