154.6
3.2 lbs so far. Yesterday my sister told me that she's gained fifteen pounds and she now weighs 145. I tried to hide the ecstasy on my face: I've never ever weighed less than her and now I feel like its within my grasp.
I want to come up with a really strong plan for refeeding after the fast so that I don't just binge and gain it all back. Unfortunately the second day back will be Thanksgiving. I guess it's possible to be healthy on Thanksgiving, because there's SO MUCH to choose from! Like if I avoided dessert and stuck with salad and white meat. It wouldn't be the first time. Or I could even bring some sort of healthy dessert (like fresh fruit) so that I would have something to eat as well and not draw attention to myself. Brilliant.
Alright so to break my fast on Wednesday morning at 9am I will have half a cup of oatmeal cooked with 1/2 an apple, diced, and cinnamon. Approximately 200 calories. I'll need to think about lunch. Oh man thinking about food is so fun. Maybe I'll go read some cookbooks.
I'll write later tonight to let you guys know how it went today. :)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Day 1 of 4-day fast
Starting weight (ugh I don't even want to write it down): 157.8
I'm hoping to get down to <150 by the end of this.
The first day went swimmingly. I drank one glass of water, 1 cup of black coffee, and three cups of tea. I really need to aim for more water. There were only a few minutes of painful hunger that ended pretty quickly. Now my stomach is growling and it feels great!
I'm making a list of all the things I need to buy for my new apartment and it's a little scary. Things like dishes, garbage can, dresser, etc. But I'm sooooooo excited. I don't know if I'll be able to afford internet right away but this computer's too big to lug around. So posting on here might be a little tricky. I'm sure I'll figure something out though.
I didn't get to the gym today, maybe I'll go do some lunges.
I'm hoping to get down to <150 by the end of this.
The first day went swimmingly. I drank one glass of water, 1 cup of black coffee, and three cups of tea. I really need to aim for more water. There were only a few minutes of painful hunger that ended pretty quickly. Now my stomach is growling and it feels great!
I'm making a list of all the things I need to buy for my new apartment and it's a little scary. Things like dishes, garbage can, dresser, etc. But I'm sooooooo excited. I don't know if I'll be able to afford internet right away but this computer's too big to lug around. So posting on here might be a little tricky. I'm sure I'll figure something out though.
I didn't get to the gym today, maybe I'll go do some lunges.
Friday, November 20, 2009
4-day fast starts tomorrow!!!
Alright, so I know it's really late notice but I am doing this 4-day fast with Semira: starts tomorrow morning and goes until Wednesday morning. Anybody in? Rules are posted on her blog.
I'm pretty stoked, I've never had a buddy to fast with before. I think it will really help to keep me motivated and honest. :)
I'm pretty stoked, I've never had a buddy to fast with before. I think it will really help to keep me motivated and honest. :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
154.8
Two days in a row.
It's only 7 am but I figured I'd probably better write now, since I didn't yesterday and I have a pretty busy day ahead of me to look forward to: gym; then work; then (don't laugh) I'm totally going to the midnight showing of twilight tonight.
I didn't spend the night at my BF's last night because it was way too cold. I should have, though: being cold burns calories and anyway when I got home I ate the rest of my Thai food from dinner. When I'm with the BF I don't eat very much because he once accused me of having a "weird love-affair with food" (completely true) which makes me self-conscious. Probably sometime today I'm going to find out whether my application for rental was approved. (Yikes!) So I'm going to get my boxes and packing tape ready.
Oh, yesterday I ate a fiber-one bar and drunken noodles with tofu. I went to the gym but could not keep my speed up - I was getting cramps and side-aches the whole time! So I tried to work at a higher rate of incline but ultimately burned only 410 calories on the treadmill. I'll be careful not to eat or drink too much before the gym today. And I'll try to hydrate (I never drink water: a bad habit that needs to be broken now.) Then last night I woke up at 4 am and ate two more fiber-one bars. Yeah I really should have spent the night at my boyfriend's. I'm going to go ahead and take my appetite suppressant now.
It's only 7 am but I figured I'd probably better write now, since I didn't yesterday and I have a pretty busy day ahead of me to look forward to: gym; then work; then (don't laugh) I'm totally going to the midnight showing of twilight tonight.
I didn't spend the night at my BF's last night because it was way too cold. I should have, though: being cold burns calories and anyway when I got home I ate the rest of my Thai food from dinner. When I'm with the BF I don't eat very much because he once accused me of having a "weird love-affair with food" (completely true) which makes me self-conscious. Probably sometime today I'm going to find out whether my application for rental was approved. (Yikes!) So I'm going to get my boxes and packing tape ready.
Oh, yesterday I ate a fiber-one bar and drunken noodles with tofu. I went to the gym but could not keep my speed up - I was getting cramps and side-aches the whole time! So I tried to work at a higher rate of incline but ultimately burned only 410 calories on the treadmill. I'll be careful not to eat or drink too much before the gym today. And I'll try to hydrate (I never drink water: a bad habit that needs to be broken now.) Then last night I woke up at 4 am and ate two more fiber-one bars. Yeah I really should have spent the night at my boyfriend's. I'm going to go ahead and take my appetite suppressant now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Exercise Rash?
Good day. I still maintained my unhealthy work junkfood diet, but limited it to one pizza bagel and one old-fashioned donut. Oh, and one sample-sized bite each of eggnog bread and pumpkin bread. I got to the gym again and burned 430 calories on the treadmill today. Plus, I weighed in this morning at 155.6 - down 4.6 pounds since yesterday morning - so the day got off to a good start.
It's almost midnight (way past my bedtime!) and I'm having some trouble thinking. Plus I took my contacts out but then couldn't see to find my glasses, and I'm leaning in super-close to the screen and squinting right now.
Oh, so at the gym tonight I actually gave myself a rash on my inner-thighs from running with fat legs and being out-of-shape and sweaty (gross!). ...Oh that my thighs wouldn't always be touching... When I ran cross-country in high school I would put antiperspirant on my legs. I was even thinking about doing that tonight, but I felt weird sticking deoderant up my shorts in front of a bunch of girls in the locker room.
Thank you soo much to Semira for the support on my last couple of posts. :) It's definitely been a weird week.
I saw my sponsor tonight at a meeting and made no progress whatsoever in convincing her that my moving out is for the best. Basically, we've both made up our minds in opposite directions, and we're both just going along with it. Although I suppose she mistakenly believes that she has me convinced, which is just not true.
Oh I might not post tomorrow because I'm hanging out with the BF (for the first time in TWO WEEKS!) and I'll probably end up spending the night there. Which means I must get to the gym earlier in the day.
It's almost midnight (way past my bedtime!) and I'm having some trouble thinking. Plus I took my contacts out but then couldn't see to find my glasses, and I'm leaning in super-close to the screen and squinting right now.
Oh, so at the gym tonight I actually gave myself a rash on my inner-thighs from running with fat legs and being out-of-shape and sweaty (gross!). ...Oh that my thighs wouldn't always be touching... When I ran cross-country in high school I would put antiperspirant on my legs. I was even thinking about doing that tonight, but I felt weird sticking deoderant up my shorts in front of a bunch of girls in the locker room.
Thank you soo much to Semira for the support on my last couple of posts. :) It's definitely been a weird week.
I saw my sponsor tonight at a meeting and made no progress whatsoever in convincing her that my moving out is for the best. Basically, we've both made up our minds in opposite directions, and we're both just going along with it. Although I suppose she mistakenly believes that she has me convinced, which is just not true.
Oh I might not post tomorrow because I'm hanging out with the BF (for the first time in TWO WEEKS!) and I'll probably end up spending the night there. Which means I must get to the gym earlier in the day.
Monday, November 16, 2009
frustration
the kind where you feel completely helpless and small. Like you're in some kind of small enclosed space (Beatrix Kiddo in vol. 2, anyone?) and you're not even bothering to try and escape because you know it's impossible, so you just resign yourself to it and curl up into the smallest ball possible, hoping that maybe, if you can just make yourself small enough, you can disappear and never have to deal with it.
I turned in my rental application today. My parents have to cosign because I don't meet the income requirements, which irritates me because I want this apartment to be 100% mine. But that's not why I feel this way.
I'm a "recovering alcoholic" and I'm in AA. I'm not sure if you guys are familiar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but basically I have a "sponsor," which is someone that's been through the twelve steps already and is supposed to be like a mentor to help you in recovery. Anyway, my sponsor is great - she's super strict which really helps me stay focused (plus I'm a structure-whore), but she's kind of on a power trip. When I told her about my apartment (I already think of it as "mine"), she put her foot down and basically said Don't Do It. I feel like I have to listen to her, because that's one of the major rules in AA - shut up and follow directions. But that apartment is mine. And I absolutely refuse to stay in this house.
I've already made up my mind, but I'm not going to feel good about this unless everyone is on my side.
In case you haven't noticed, I am a people-pleaser. Nothing scares me more than having people disapprove of the choices I'm making. I almost cried when she was telling me her reasons why I should stay with my parents for at least a year, and then maybe think about moving into an apartment with some sober friends. F* that. And the stinging tears made it worse because then I was embarassed as well as frustrated.
I woke up this morning and weighed in at 160.2 (yikes!). All I ate today was fattening icky pastries from work. 1/2 slice of coffee cake, 1 cheese bagel, 1 slice of eggnog bread, and 1/2 a molasses cookie. I have to remember to snag the nutrition info from work so I can calculate the damage done. I also had two energy drinks, (sugarfree rockstars) and I'm about to crack open a third. But luckily after talking to my sponsor I was so keyed up that I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a week. I burned 420 calories in an hour on the treadmill.
I turned in my rental application today. My parents have to cosign because I don't meet the income requirements, which irritates me because I want this apartment to be 100% mine. But that's not why I feel this way.
I'm a "recovering alcoholic" and I'm in AA. I'm not sure if you guys are familiar with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but basically I have a "sponsor," which is someone that's been through the twelve steps already and is supposed to be like a mentor to help you in recovery. Anyway, my sponsor is great - she's super strict which really helps me stay focused (plus I'm a structure-whore), but she's kind of on a power trip. When I told her about my apartment (I already think of it as "mine"), she put her foot down and basically said Don't Do It. I feel like I have to listen to her, because that's one of the major rules in AA - shut up and follow directions. But that apartment is mine. And I absolutely refuse to stay in this house.
I've already made up my mind, but I'm not going to feel good about this unless everyone is on my side.
In case you haven't noticed, I am a people-pleaser. Nothing scares me more than having people disapprove of the choices I'm making. I almost cried when she was telling me her reasons why I should stay with my parents for at least a year, and then maybe think about moving into an apartment with some sober friends. F* that. And the stinging tears made it worse because then I was embarassed as well as frustrated.
I woke up this morning and weighed in at 160.2 (yikes!). All I ate today was fattening icky pastries from work. 1/2 slice of coffee cake, 1 cheese bagel, 1 slice of eggnog bread, and 1/2 a molasses cookie. I have to remember to snag the nutrition info from work so I can calculate the damage done. I also had two energy drinks, (sugarfree rockstars) and I'm about to crack open a third. But luckily after talking to my sponsor I was so keyed up that I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a week. I burned 420 calories in an hour on the treadmill.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Freedom on the Horizon
Make it $800 out of my own pocket for septic and cleaning (UGH the grossest job in the world, I'm so glad it's not mine), and I've found my new apartment.
But let's get through this in chronological order.
The septic guy came in the morning, spent an hour or so emptying the tank, and then came ringing at the doorbell. He proceeded to charge me $360 for the pumping, letting me know that the draining would still be messed up because the main line from the house to the tank was clogged with a bunch of powdery white stuff. For a minute I panicked: could it be the sugar cookies and cinnamon rolls I recently binged/purged? But that's impossible...right? He said he wouldn't be able to fix that, but he could send someone over later in the day who could. I said fuck it, why not, and dropped 800 dollars. Then the guy actually had the nerve to ask me out. I had a lot of fun turning the fat fucker down.
Then the BF slept through our date and I almost wished I'd said 'yes' to Joe-six-pack. Almost.
Then at four I made an appointment to go look at an apartment in a hidden corner of the sprawling strip-mall and auto dealer town I live in, and I fell head-over-heels in love with it. I'm moving in on the first of December, if I can talk my parents into co-signing. It's not too expensive for me (only $650 per month, which is actually quite low for this area), but they have an income requirement of atleast three times that! I make about 2.4 times. So co-signers are required. :(
Still. My own place. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm stoked.
But let's get through this in chronological order.
The septic guy came in the morning, spent an hour or so emptying the tank, and then came ringing at the doorbell. He proceeded to charge me $360 for the pumping, letting me know that the draining would still be messed up because the main line from the house to the tank was clogged with a bunch of powdery white stuff. For a minute I panicked: could it be the sugar cookies and cinnamon rolls I recently binged/purged? But that's impossible...right? He said he wouldn't be able to fix that, but he could send someone over later in the day who could. I said fuck it, why not, and dropped 800 dollars. Then the guy actually had the nerve to ask me out. I had a lot of fun turning the fat fucker down.
Then the BF slept through our date and I almost wished I'd said 'yes' to Joe-six-pack. Almost.
Then at four I made an appointment to go look at an apartment in a hidden corner of the sprawling strip-mall and auto dealer town I live in, and I fell head-over-heels in love with it. I'm moving in on the first of December, if I can talk my parents into co-signing. It's not too expensive for me (only $650 per month, which is actually quite low for this area), but they have an income requirement of atleast three times that! I make about 2.4 times. So co-signers are required. :(
Still. My own place. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm stoked.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
((Period)).
ICKY, BLOATED FAT FEELING.
I have sit at home all morning to wait for the septic guy to show up. 400 dollars out of my own pocket, and I wasn't even living here for the last couple of years. Grrrrr.
My AA sponsor talked me out of moving from my parents house for the time being. But I'm already re-thinking the decision to stay. I'm sure you can relate: NOTHING IN THE WORLD sounds more satisfying than having an entire apartment to myself: bedroom, bathroom, and especially kitchen. Plus I thinking having home responsibilities might actually be good for my recovery. I'd have to go out to buy toilet paper, I wouldn't have cable, my living area would reflect on me and me alone so I'd actually be motivated to keep it looking nice. The BF would probably come over more often, too, and I have no desire whatsoever for him to find out what a worthless slob I am.
I'm going to look at more apartments right now.
I have sit at home all morning to wait for the septic guy to show up. 400 dollars out of my own pocket, and I wasn't even living here for the last couple of years. Grrrrr.
My AA sponsor talked me out of moving from my parents house for the time being. But I'm already re-thinking the decision to stay. I'm sure you can relate: NOTHING IN THE WORLD sounds more satisfying than having an entire apartment to myself: bedroom, bathroom, and especially kitchen. Plus I thinking having home responsibilities might actually be good for my recovery. I'd have to go out to buy toilet paper, I wouldn't have cable, my living area would reflect on me and me alone so I'd actually be motivated to keep it looking nice. The BF would probably come over more often, too, and I have no desire whatsoever for him to find out what a worthless slob I am.
I'm going to look at more apartments right now.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Crazy?
This morning (as usual) I did not want to get out of bed. At 9 am I dragged myself out from under the covers to find that the house was empty (which really shouldn't have surprised me: my parents are out of town and my sister always works weekday mornings). So I drove to QFC and bought a family-sized bag of cheeto puffs and a carton of sugar cookies, 1 liter of coke zero and two sugarfree energy drinks. I came home, crawled back under the covers and alternated scarfing down cookies with taking swigs from my coke zero. When the coke was gone and I'd eaten 7 cookies and 3/4 bag of cheetos, I calmly walked to the bathroom and performed the cleansing ritual of purging. It was really friggin unsatisfying though. Like all the food was stuck to my ribs and only liquid was coming out. I "rinsed" - drank a couple more glasses of water and then purged again - and then took a very hot bath.
After my bath I got ready for work and couldn't find my work shirt. Dress code is khakis and a collared black or white shirt. I tore the entire house apart, looking for anything that I could wear and found nothing. I was soooo frustrated. I screamed out loud several times, and punched myself as hard as I could in the stomach. By this time I was running late. So I settled for a smelly stained black t-shirt from the bottom of the laundry bin in the bathroom. My boss was surprisingly nice about it. At work I ate a bran muffin and a (shudder) pizza bagel.
After work I went to 1/2 an AA meeting, and then to Fred Meyer where I bought the first ridiculously over-priced collared shirt I found (white). And an energy drink. Then I stopped at Walgreens to get cigarettes and bought another energy drink and some diet pills (dexatrim max).
I have a little over six hours before I have to get up for the opening shift at work. I am debating whether or not to sleep. I think I border on some kind of "sleep anorexia." Is this a real disease? I am obsessed with seeing how little sleep I can get. I'll go for days on 2 or 3 hours a night and then have extended "sleep binges." It's essentially the same as my eating disorder, except unfortunately I haven't yet found a way to purge sleep. I love it when I get bouts of natural insomnia - there's nothing more artistically romantic than not being able to sleep. I feel like it cries out "SOMETHING'S WRONG!" more effectively than just about anything else.
No rest for the wicked.
After my bath I got ready for work and couldn't find my work shirt. Dress code is khakis and a collared black or white shirt. I tore the entire house apart, looking for anything that I could wear and found nothing. I was soooo frustrated. I screamed out loud several times, and punched myself as hard as I could in the stomach. By this time I was running late. So I settled for a smelly stained black t-shirt from the bottom of the laundry bin in the bathroom. My boss was surprisingly nice about it. At work I ate a bran muffin and a (shudder) pizza bagel.
After work I went to 1/2 an AA meeting, and then to Fred Meyer where I bought the first ridiculously over-priced collared shirt I found (white). And an energy drink. Then I stopped at Walgreens to get cigarettes and bought another energy drink and some diet pills (dexatrim max).
I have a little over six hours before I have to get up for the opening shift at work. I am debating whether or not to sleep. I think I border on some kind of "sleep anorexia." Is this a real disease? I am obsessed with seeing how little sleep I can get. I'll go for days on 2 or 3 hours a night and then have extended "sleep binges." It's essentially the same as my eating disorder, except unfortunately I haven't yet found a way to purge sleep. I love it when I get bouts of natural insomnia - there's nothing more artistically romantic than not being able to sleep. I feel like it cries out "SOMETHING'S WRONG!" more effectively than just about anything else.
No rest for the wicked.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wow It's been a Long Time
I can't believe how little has changed in the virtual years since I last wrote. I was happy to find that I had a small smattering of followers upon returning to this blog, though whether or not I deserve them is another question entirely.
Since I last wrote I had a one-day alcoholic relapse and I've gained about fifteeen L.B.s
So I'm at 155.0 now. But I'm feeling optimistic: I've been saving up a ton of money (for hopefully moving out and having a fridge to myself to stuff with water and lettuce), I started a gym membership which was super expensive and so I've been using it as much as possible, and I'm taking my wellbutrin again, so I'm not super depressed anymore.
I've decided to go back to my roots, as in, my original rules like weighing in at the end of the day and absolutely no fake sweeteners.
Oh man I am currently stoned and getting super paranoid about munchies. Huh. There's a 270-calorie container of special k with red berries on my desk. Should I? Should I just give up and go to watch kill bill with my arms cradled full of food?
Since I last wrote I had a one-day alcoholic relapse and I've gained about fifteeen L.B.s
So I'm at 155.0 now. But I'm feeling optimistic: I've been saving up a ton of money (for hopefully moving out and having a fridge to myself to stuff with water and lettuce), I started a gym membership which was super expensive and so I've been using it as much as possible, and I'm taking my wellbutrin again, so I'm not super depressed anymore.
I've decided to go back to my roots, as in, my original rules like weighing in at the end of the day and absolutely no fake sweeteners.
Oh man I am currently stoned and getting super paranoid about munchies. Huh. There's a 270-calorie container of special k with red berries on my desk. Should I? Should I just give up and go to watch kill bill with my arms cradled full of food?
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