152.8

Lunch: 1/2 red delicious apple
Dinner: 1 boca patty, 1 large tomato and 5 tiny stalks of celery (they were organic) :)
Calories: 200

Oh my god I can't friggin believe it's been such a long time since I was on here. Time goes by so fast and weight stays depressingly stagnant. But that's because I've been avoiding all sacrifice, and have been on a binge-purge nightmare cycle since the last time I wrote. I'm going to say I probably vomited on average 6 times every four days. And I didn't exercise once. My motto for the last three weeks has been "I'll start tomorrow." Well, finally, today was tomorrow and I am back in the game.

No more half-assed bullshit. I do not want to be bulimic. I want to be thin, in control, happy, productive. And bulimia practically is the definition of waste. I hate waste. HATE IT. I am such a hypocrite for prancing around trying to convince people to conserve and reuse and recycle, then off to the bathroom to puke up the entire pizza I just ate.

So today is Day One. I'm jumping right back in with 2-4-6-8. And forcing myself to exercise everyday until it becomes habitual and I actually like it. I'm not going overboard this time. I'll start simple: run at least one mile each day, 30 push-ups and eight-minute abs. That's it. Easy. I can do the whole thing in a little over 20 minutes if I want so there are no excuses for not doing it.

Why I Need to be Thin
1. So I won't feel so shitty about the way I look all the time;
2. So that I can actually pull off the weird hippie clothes that constitute my wardrobe;
3. So people will stop thinking that my sister is "the pretty one;"
4. So I won't be too shy to let my boyfriend see me naked;
5. So people will think I'm a runner when I exercise, instead of a fat girl trying to lose weight;
6. So that I'm not ashamed to let guys pick me up;
7. So that I'm not ashamed to tell people how much I weigh;
8. So people won't look skeptical when I tell them I'm a vegan;
9. So that my boyfriend's continual remarks on how attractive other girls are won't bother me;
10. So I won't stand out as American when I go to Eastern Europe.

To elaborate on a couple of those: my sister really is the pretty one. She has never had to worry about her weight. She drinks regular soda. I haven't drank any of my calories (except alcohol, lots of alcohol) since I was twelve. She's a fast food junkie. Her stomach is completely flat. Guys love her. She even has really short hair and guys love her. Yesterday my family went to a funeral. She and I left early. This morning, my dad told her she got a compliment after we left: "The lady who shared the table with us said 'your younger daughter should be a model!'" It was a slap in the face to me but also a serious wake-up call, and probably the reason why I am so fully back on the weight-loss wagon. The vegan thing: I've actually had people say, "you're vegan?? But you look so healthy!" EVERYONE knows that healthy, when applied to people who were never obviously unhealthy, means fat. Fat fat fat fat FAT! And finally Eastern Europe. I've applied to the Peace Corps, and will almost certainly be sent to Eastern Europe because I speak Russian. The girls there are ridiculously skinny (and beautiful!). It's like being in a live collection of thinspiration. It's actually a pandemic phenomenon - the girls are so skinny that they can't have babies. Women there are obsessed with their weight, but unlike American women, their diets actually work. I do not want to stand out as the ugly American. I want to blend in.

Well enough for today, I think. But I am 100 percent back.