Today was a very unproductive day. I didn't go running, I didn't get to a meeting, I hardly did anything on my to-do list. I went out to lunch with my boyfriend's family, where I had been planning to order only a salad. We went to a greek restaurant and I had a vegan gyro. In my head I tallied it as 700 calories. I also ate one granny smith apple. It was really small, though. I have made a committment to eat one apple per day because my mom, who is a complete space case, bought three huge sacks of apples on three different occaisions in one week. So now there are literally about 50 apples in my house.

Tomorrow I am getting up early, going for a run, and then completing each item on my to-do list (which I'm going to make right now) before I do anything else. Ironically, my lack of productivity today was due to the fact that I was reading Wasted, which I bought for inspiration. I could not put it down. So I'm going to combine it with blogging as something I can only do after 8 pm. I just get really caught up in these things. I read half of the book today.

It seems really twisted to use these kinds of accounts as "thinspiration." This book was clearly intended to discourage eating disorders, and yet I'm sure that most people who read it get the opposite effect. I have actually been inspired to purge after reading the first half. I've been thinking about Chinese food and wondering if I should plan a binge for a couple of weeks from now, after which time I can practice what I've learned about purging. But the addictive aspect of bulimia really scares me. I know from experience that I develop addictions quickly and that they consume me very rapidly.

I have purged only once in my life, though not for lack of trying. I think my main problem is that when I'm eating, I rarely drink any water. I've changed that recently by making it a rule to sip water in between bites of food, but this is a very recent phenomenon. The one time I purged I was in eighth grade, and my mother had forced me to eat a bowl of cereal while she watched me with hawk eyes. I was so desperate to expel it from my body that I took ipecac. If you ever want to truly punish yourself...

It tasted like death, and then all of my vomit had that same taste coming up. And there was so much puke. I felt like I was throwing up things I had never even eaten. I couldn't stop wretching for hours.

I've noticed that as I get older my gag reflex is getting more and more sensitive. I've thrown up simply after smelling garbage or drinking too much coffee. This seems counterintuitive but it's a pretty welcome change. I'd rather have less trouble than more trouble throwing up. I wonder if it's related to all the alcohol I've consumed over the last couple years. I have done some real puking in my day. Alright. I'm going to go read and probably stay up too late doing it.