I feel like such a whale. I felt horrible about myself all day. Frumpy, fat, ugly, dirty and other words come to mind. Plus I engaged in a mini-binge this morning. I didn't eat any foods that were not allowed, and I made sure to sit down at the table and pour myself a glass of water with each food that I consumed, but it was unplanned and therefore out of control and really shameful. I barely stayed within my self-imposed limit today. And as I continue to read other girls' chronicled success that limit is seeming more and more disproportionate. 1500 calories would feed an obese person. I can't believe that to me it feels like a diet.

And I ran out of benedryl so I drank theraflu to help me get sleepy instead. That stuff has at least 5 calories AND contains aspartame - and I vowed to stay away from fake sweeteners!!

I feel like my addict and my eating disorder are two incompatible sides of me that are constantly battling for my attention: good vs. evil. Today I was much more addict than dieter. Lately every time I think about alcohol I remind myself of the calories and loss of control that come with it, and that's enough to inhibit any cravings. But today controlled eating was just not on my mind. All I could think about was a chilled bottle of vodka and solitude. By some kind of miracle I am still down another .8 lbs today. Maybe it's just dehydration.